[Pughead]

My doc upped the dosage of lamictal from 200mg to 300 a few weeks ago. I've tolerated it well, but I've been having a lot more anxiety lately. I have to take xanax more and more now.

Not sure if it's the increase in lamictal or what. Before I increased the dosage I was having a bit of increased anxiety. I notice that anytime I drink alcohol (more than a couple drinks, not even drunk) I get pretty bad anxiety the next day...even next couple days. I hate it.

Also seeming a bit more "up" than usual...maybe medication induced mania or hypomania coming on???

It could be work too, I tend to get triggered somehow when I get cool projects to work on. I had a cool project and I thought it would take me a few days to get a first iteration out, but it took me like 3 hours. Now I'm getting a little antsy (sp)? and I want to do a whole bunch of stuff. I spent the last few hours writing a twitter timeline xml parser in C and because string manipulation in C (not C++) is so painful, I switched to Java and finished it in about 10 minutes. So now I'm tweeting and checking twitter from the command line. (which to me is cool, even though highly geeky.) Don't worry if you don't know what it means. The point is that it's one of those things that you wouldn't do normally unless you were feeling "up" to it and just wanted to do things because you really want to do stuff and it gets in your head and you absolutely "have" to do it.

I also contacted some people yesterday with the idea to start a band that features 3 distinct styles of music being played at the same time. Think classic rock/hard rock guitar riffs mixed with soft ballad piano/keys, and jazz/fusion type drum beats that don't fit the rest of the song whatsoever (but still played at the correct tempo). The end result would be some kind of chaotic sounding prog rock, but it would be nerdy and fun... I don't know if the other guys are into it. They said they are and I think it will be fun. I dunno though...this little upswing I'm on will probably end soon and then I Won't care anymore and just scrap it...like so many things.

Haven't been sleeping very well the last few days, but I'm not tired either...

Anway, I haven't felt this way in a long time, probably a few years. I kinda like having the increased "brain activity", but at the same time I'm scared of what will happen next. That's probably why the increased anxiety.

I wish I could meditate or something and just accept the fact that I have an upbeat mood going and then just embrace it, and not feel so worried about it ending or something going wrong.

Just wanted to get it out...thanks for listening...(reading == listening???)

[thinker22]

Sounds like hypomania. I wouldn't worry about it unless you start to not sleep at all and get so anxious that it's a problem. I wish I had some hypomania about now. Watch and make sure it doesn't go too high...because there's always a crash coming. Also if you start getting mixed (i.e. depression plus mania) it could be a problem. Again, you know yourself best and if you're having new and creative ideas and are able to concentrate well enough to simplify otherwise complex tasks (like streamlining with computer languages), hey, why not enjoy?

Share the wealth, hey.

I've done some web design, but I don't really know how to write code. Just how to alter already existing code in html. Tis fun.

[Pughead]

Xanax is helping me calm down. But it's also kinda suppressing my natural "buzz".

I don't want to become dependent on that. I heard that's it's really hard to get off of it.

...going to go noodle on the ol' guitar for awhile.

Kids have been gone for 4 hours. Why the hell is the disney channel still on?!!!

[thinker22]

Yep, buzzes are tricky. Never know if I'll be irritable or exhausted or angry or excited or energetic or whatever throughout the day. I'm having my half beer and feeling a bit better than I was earlier. I'm so a night person. Shroud me in the dark and I come alive!

I have a guitar, but I've only learned some chords on my own, no songs. Can't read music.

[Pughead]

Definitely hypomanic right now. I haven't slept well at all for the last week, but I'm getting a lot done...also done a lot of stuff that I find cool, but in the end really doesn't do much for anyone else. But I'm not tired...I'm awake and want to find interesting things to do...work is boring. But I'm making it interesting by turning my custom chart application (for work related data) into a fully functional mathematical function graphing calculator. Why? Because I built it to work with any sort of data, and therefore, if I feed it a simple sequence of numbers, I can draw functions and tangents on curves, or sine waves or whatever the hell I want. I think it's pretty cool, but no one else will...well one guy, but he's cool. It took me like 8 hours to fix a bug in my C twitter program...but I did it and I'm very satisfied with the results.

Definitely having a lot of ideas right now and bounce around from one thing to the next. Also scared that I heard a couple things that aren't really there...auditory hallucinations...but I'm almost positive that was just my own paranoia (paranoid of full-blown mania). Also driving more like an idiot...not as bad as I used to. But still I gunned it to 85mph down a 45mph road because I didn't want to get stuck waiting for a train. Not that I was racing against a train...but they have trains that go across this road all the time...I didn't want to get stuck.. The bastards are testing some kind of remote control train, so when the train comes, it just sits there and goes back and forth forever. It's not even going anywhere! I hate them.

So yes...I hate a lot of things, but I am more irritable now when I get "pulled-off" of what I'm doing...because I get really into things. And it's bad sometimes because I get really frustrated with the kids for interrupting me...and that's not right...they are kids. I would never hurt them ever...I'd endure 100,000 sessions of torture in a North Korean prison before doing that...but they still don't need to see me blow up...it's not good for them to see that....regardless if it is directed at them or not.

mother F***. I just don't want it to get out of control. I'm enjoying the "spark", but I've been on the other side too many times...I don't want to crash. Hopefully Lamictal will keep me from crashing hard.

I'm rambling because I can ramble here. I know it and you all know it, and it just feels good to do it somewhere where everyone understands and no one is bothered by it.

I have a meeting that is coming up and I'm dreading it. Reason? I don't know the subject matter and I really don't care about it...it's just more data...but I'm suppose to do the application architecture and design...so I have a lot of responsibility there.

Right now I feel like writing all kinds of crazy chaotic music...with elements of beauty here and there...maybe influenced from mathematical concepts or computer science algorithms...I've tried it before and I always get stuck. Because it's really hard to play a note on the 3.6488967th fret of the guitar.

But to do something like Strapping Young Lad would be awesome. Devin Townsend is God. He covers the entire spectrum...from the utmost beauty to the most frightening chaos. And he's BP ...go figure.

I wonder what he would say if he read this post...

Lot's of ellipses in this post...that means many thoughts.

DRUGLESS HIGH...

Feels good to let some of it out...nobody else can understand.

Thank you...God bless

[thinker22]

Your rambling makes total sense, but I'm just crazy like that.

I'm currently hyperactive in the worst way. I'm so angry I don't know what. I need to calm down. I'm still depressed, I'm just also angry to the point that I want to take action and have some justice served. It feels like no one is held responsible for their negligent actions and I'm getting super pissed off.

I probably need a xanax. My heart has been racing since last night. Anxious, having invasive thoughts and close to an outburst. Breathe, must remember to breathe.

Hope you feel a little better soon.

[Pughead]

Thanks. But I hope that YOU feel better soon.

[Trying & Caring]

I'm not sure how long you have been treated for bipolar or how many "episodes" you have had of hypo mania, mania, depression or mixed. I'm OLD (55) & have had bp since 15 so I know my signs of impending episodes & symptoms when I'm in one pretty well. Doesn't mean I always react correctly, though! I LOVE hypo mania but for me it lasts months & then I have a total & devastating crash into depression that leads to bad stuff like overdoses (haven't done that in a few yrs.).

But I am on Lamictal (among other things) & had my dosage upped when I had increased daytime anxiety. Lamictal is supposed to HELP w/anxiety, but everyone is different so if you read the insert of possible side effects it does say it can increase anxiety (as well as make you sleepy or have insomnia!). I do take Klonopin at night (most nights) as anxiety makes it hard for me to go to sleep, but even though I am "authorized" to take it during the day I don't as it just makes me so sleepy & I do not want to sleep during the day.

It does sound like you are agitated & maybe becoming a little hyper-focused on stuff that maybe is not that productive (interesting, but the meeting at work needed some attention even if it seemed boring!). I think YOUR concern about not sleeping & the anxiety & perhaps hypo mania, it would definitely be important to talk to your meds provider. Hope you do so. She/he needs to keep informed about all that is going on.

Plus, it is usually recommended to do therapy as well as meds so don't know if you are doing that. A good therapist who understands bp can help you determine if you are having an "episode" & if your coping skills are finely tuned (mine are not--thus DBT & indiv. therapy).

Your computer knowledge is amazing. Whole different language. My brother speaks that language. I do not! Tech support really hates talking to me as I say stuff like, "Which button is that?"--Take care.

[Pughead]

Note: I flagged this post as a possible trigger because I talk about one particularly bad episode from my past

Hehe T&C. It IS a different language. I just went on rambling and felt free using that language here because I know that everyone understands (not necessarily the computer language) the fact that I'm just rambling.

About therapy, I did it for a couple years, but now I think I have the tools to deal with things myself. It came to a point where it stopped being money well spent.

You see, when I'm at work or home and start rambling like that, people can tell something is up...because I'm usually very quiet. Unless I drink, then I can be quite loud/life of the party type. But that's kind of how I was all week last week, but a little on the border of things getting out of control. And yes, I think some increased anxiety was most likely because of the lamictal...though I did have some problems right before the dose increase. Got WAY too drunk on 4th of July...had a real bad couple of days of anxiety afterwards.

Actually feeling a bit anxious right now...has to be the couple beers I had earlier tonight. I over-committed myself big time last week. So this weekend I've been overloaded. During the last week I scrambled to finish 4 weeks of calculus homework and I have an exam Monday. I could have scheduled the exam later, but remember I was He-man last week. I also took on some big projects at work and between screwing around on my own little projects and doing actual work and everything else I found myself at the foot of a pretty big mountain this weekend. While I've calmed down quite a bit, I still have a good amount of drive in me. Not sleeping great but also not tired at all. I think I'm prepared pretty well for the exam and the work thing I might have to scramble on tomorrow night or the next day. But I'll get it done. I always do. (Now THAT is He-man talking)

I'm 30, am married with 2 kids and I still go to school. I have 2 degrees, a BA and an MS. I'm not bragging but it just puts things into perspective. I did all of that schooling (was also in the military- reserves, but spent time deployed overseas) was married, had kids, and bought my second house by the age of 25. I was ascending through the ranks and already almost at the level of Senior Software Engineer. I got cocky. I thought I could do anything. Right before the kids came, I had a severe panic attack and my pregnant wife had to take me to the emergency room. Even after, I still felt like I would reign supreme. Then the kids came and the crash hit. Horrible horrible depression, and dangerous behavior. The worst thing? When I was dx'd with severe depression and put on meds right away...
That made me feel even worse, and like I was a failure and could never be a good father because of my "condition". Then I got mad at myself for just having the "condition". I felt I was doing a disservice to my children because it is hereditary and they might get it. Since then, being on meds, I've had some ups and downs, but have been reasonably stable. I didn't get dx'd BP until about 3 years ago, when other p-docs had been probing me about my past and I complained how I was frustrated that I couldn't be "superman" anymore; that I felt suppressed. That's when I started the trek toward being on mood stabilizers instead of anti-D's. I was on depakote for a long time. It worked at keeping hypomania/mania completely suppressed, but it did nothing for depression. I had one severe depressive episode while on depakote and celexa (or maybe lexapro, don't remember) that I almost didn't make it through. I was having persecutory delusions and was convinced that my wife and mother in-law were plotting against me. My kids saved my life, no question about it. I simply couldn't stand the guilt of causing them to suffer over having to grow up without a father. And that was it. When I was "close to the edge" (Great Yes album by the way), that saved me. I could see how they would end up blaming themselves, and how hard it would be for them to grow up, without me there and knowing what I had done. I could not leave, because I was aware of the consequences that would fall onto them. Worse still, the note I had written pinned all the blame on their mother, and I would have left with that permanent image of hatred. Again most of that was all because of irrational suspicion from delusions. I just love my kids so much. I can't stand the thought of anything or anyone hurting them, most of all me. IT makes me tear up even now as I type it.

Other than that major episode, I have been ok, but depakote also made me gain 30 pounds, which I lost in about 4 months when I completely switched to lamictal. And I must say, I feel the most like "myself" with lamictal. I feel like the old me. Some of the drive is back (hence throwing myself back into school online)...but then it gets too high sometimes (planned on going to get a BSEE and MSEE online with a grueling schedule for 8-10 years). A couple months ago there was a downturn in my mood. I started looking at those plans and then I finally came to what I think is a reasonable conclusion. So I said to myself, "Dude. You're BP. You're going to have ups and downs. Making big commitments is probably not the best of ideas, especially when you already have so many commitments to attend to. Appreciate what you do have and just accept things for what they are. Accept yourself and the fact that you have BP. Embrace it and accept it." So...the schooling plans aren't canceled. But they have been indefinitely shelfed, and if I don't ever resume, then that is OK. I'll probably just take one more Calc course so I have a solid foundation in that area. Anything I go back to school for is going to require a foundation of 4 calculus/advanced math courses. If I have the first two done, that's a huge hurdle that will be out of the way. And in some instances, that may even be enough. I want to get into embedded systems, but what I do right now (enterprise software) is fine and I should be happy with it.

The biggest motivator and what helps to keep me grounded the most is again: my kids. They are almost 5 (they are twins) and I feel like It's all gone by in a flash. I want to share more memorable moments with them and enjoy watching them grow up. If I put my head down and charge through school or other grand projects (no doubt dealing with emotional peaks and valleys along the way), then I will completely miss all of that. And this is it. This is my one shot at it. I've got to be in "the present" to do that. Oh, and when I am up like this and have my head down charging ahead, I get angry at anything or anyone that sidetracks me. And the last thing I want is to blow up at the kids, especially when they are just being kids...and want Dad's attention.

So I'm going to continue on the path of acceptance and trying to live in the present. I still think it's good to think about the future, but damn the past. What's done is done and nothing can change that. I had real problems with that before, especially when my kids were born. That day was very traumatic for me. My wife nearly died shortly after childbirth. That's really the thing that sent me into a downward spiral. But enough is enough, that is over...it is done. No could of, would've BS, because it doesn't freaking matter. The past is the past, so f**k it. Strong language there and harsh attitude, because that's how I have to do things. My way, I need to do that and be strong about it. I'm focusing on the now, because that's all I have, and I don't want to lose that.

Oh, also...I do try to practice mindfulness (when I can), but I'm not a Buddhist. I'm not a Christian, Jew, or Satanist. Nor am I an atheist. I am ME. I have my own little subset of beliefs that belong to me and no one else. Just ME.

I don't know why I said that. It's just that I have brought up mindfulness before and I don't want people to think I'm trying to push religion on them because I'm not. That's the LAST thing I will do. I grew up catholic with constant threats of condemnation if I didn't conform. I now resent the whole thing very much. I just have found mindfulness very helpful, especially walking mediation. Soaking in the life of other living things.

Sorry for rambling again...but then am I? You guys know where I'm coming from!

[thinker22]

Wow, you've lived quite a life in 30 short years. I find that's true of a lot of bipolar people. In spite of our illness, we seem to have great achievements...maybe due to the hypomania/manic side, but the broad spectrum of emotions can help a variety of fields. I've had tons of insomnia through my college years...which will probably never end...and yes, I like ellipses too. So, I've been to 4 colleges, 1 non-accredited associate's degree and I was still a sophomore at the end of spring. Ha! But I finally convinced them to add some of my credits from that Bible college, like Hebrew, Greek, a general science course, and my English classes, etc., so now I'm a junior. Still seems silly at my age (same as yours). But I guess people go back to school all the time and get their degrees into their 90s. Go them! I've had tons of jobs and traveled and lived in many places in this country and around the world. And I wouldn't trade that for graduating at 22 and starting an entry level job, then doing the whole shebang of what my parents expected of me. I resent my religious upbringing as well. I think all the people who preach about hell should go to it because it's people like them who invented it and continue to spread the cruel practice of inculcating children in such a way as to fear everything if they don't line up perfectly. I personally know this is a form of abuse. I'm not exactly an atheist or an agnostic...I'm somewhere in between them on the "faith - non faith spectrum." I think I could be proven wrong through more experiences, but I'm hecka sure that no deity as described by any religion or holy person exists. If they did, we'd be pretty much screwed no matter what we do. But then, since life itself is terminal, I guess we are anyway. Enjoy the good things while they last. And yeah, I'd do the same thing...put school on hold and enjoy your kids while they still want your attention. They'll be standoffish soon enough.

There I go on several tangents, but you know how it is. I hope to now (after 3 or so major changes) to get a BS in studio art. Quite a shift from geology. I do love science and even some aspects of math, but it totally stresses me out and turns me OCD about memorizing everything in my textbooks. I like to paint and write and sculpt anyway, might as well get through my schooling in one piece...that is if my mind ever gets balanced out. I'm really teetering about going back to the professionals for different meds or else just trying to find natural remedies, but I kind of suspect I won't be able to do it on my own or just with therapy since I've had spells of depression and hypomania since I was at least 7.

And mindfulness is way cool if you can be there in the moment. I've been able to do that now and again in my life. It's very peaceful, but this world is sure distracting with all of the crazy things going on everywhere.

Take it easy man.

[Pughead]

Wow thinker. That sounds awesome! I think it's great that you've traveled and lived all over the globe and that you're in school pursuing something you're really into. It sounds like a great adventure. I want to do that too.

I've had 8 jobs in the last 8 years. So as you can see, I bounce around quite a lot too.
BTW, my undergrad degree is in anthropology. I wanted to be an archaeologist.
But I took a few comp sci courses along the way, and by the time I graduated, I decided to shift gears completely. It was very difficult to break into this field without a related degree, but I pounded away until I got in...starting from the absolute bottom, but I finally got some experience in the field. And once you get your foot in the door, you're set from there. I've always been a geek, it just took me a little while to admit it. I was a long-haired dope smoking F all jocks and nerds metal-head in high school. I'm still a metal-head, but I'm also a nerd. And I get along with jocks too.

I hope you get to do what you love doing. To me that stuff is really interesting. I could never do that type of art, because I'm simply horrible at it. If I tried to make a sculpture of a round ball it would end up looking like a pile of elephant dung.
I can't even wrap a birthday present. I guess that part of my brain doesn't really work. I think it's great that yours does. BP's are a creative lot. The only art-related thing I can do is music...but my creative ability has gone down quite a lot since being on meds. I used to be able to write and record a demo of an album's worth of material in a few days. Now I just listen to lots of music...stuff that blows my mind.

BP's can do great things. Sometimes we are GODS.

I heard of this book about how some of the great accomplishments in America stem from hypomania. Sounds a little hokey but I dunno...might be an interesting read.
It's called The Hypomanic Edge.

Crap, gotta run (not to crap)

[thinker22]

I'm reading Touched with Fire about the relationship between artistic ability/talent and bipolar. Interesting, but also scary the hospitalization/asylum stats as well as suicide rates. I'm primarily a poet in my writing and they are at the highest risk for almost everything bad. Hoping my novel, screenplays, stageplay, and short stories even me out, along with abstract painting and sculpting. Eh, we're all screwed. I've said it before, but I don't want to be a fatalist. It's just hard to get all the things I've read and experienced out of my head.

According to the book, if you have bipolar and aren't artistic, chances are you have one or more relatives who are, even if they don't have any mood disorder. There seems to be a genetic link between the traits, but who knows. My brother's more artistic in the fine arts sense than I am. Not sure what his problem is, but he's got lots.

I've always been a geek...at least since 9th grade, and I'm not afraid to admit it. Geeks can be cool too. How else would we keep our computers running or figure out formulas to maximize profit? The world runs on us geeks, although we generally don't run the world. The ambitious ones use us and we stay in the background.

I haven't lived anywhere else but the US, but that sentence probably sounded like it. I've traveled to a bunch of places (only continents I haven't been to are Africa, Australia, and Antarctica...and I aim to knock them down soon), but I've only lived here (5 different states) and I've been itching for a year to move again. I get easily bored.

At one point I wanted to be an archaeologist with a focus on ancient languages too...I was going to get my master's in linguistics. Then life happened. Then I studied acting...on and on it goes. Sometimes it's fun being crazy. Other times it sucks. C'est la vie.

[Pughead]

Fun's over. I got almost 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep last night and I'm still tired as hell.

Thinker I love your sig btw.

[thinker22]

You're crashing and I'm spiking, go figure. I almost beat Spore last night. See the thread I started today. This feeling is nice for a change. Hope it lasts.

Yeah, the Hitch is a lovable sonuvagun for all his dry wit and perspicacity when it comes to all things needing debunking or a swift kick in the rear for obvious ridiculousness.

[Pughead]

False alarm I guess. I think I just slept a lot because I ate Micky Deez and it made me feel like crap, so it probably took my mind off other stuff and I was able to sleep. Not last night though. Not one second of sleep, literally stayed wide awake the entire night. And I'm not really tired. I could feel the energy ramping back up as the day went on yesterday. I was really talkative during lunch and I did a ton of homework last night...actually I'm completely done with my class now. I actually scanned the homework and assembled it so that it was like a web page with two frames. On the left was the navigation with a link for each section. And then when you click on a section it loads the images for the homework in the other frame. Then I uploaded it to my web hosting provider and sent my professor the link!

Way better than trying to put all that crap into MS word, and posting them individually as attachments in Blackboard (online learning application).

[thinker22]

Oh yeah? We have blackboard too at my college. We have to email our profs stuff though, not post it online. Go you Mr. gogetter.

I slept some last night. Fell asleep after midnight. Woke up at 2 something and 4 something and by the time it was 5 something I thought, "The hell with it, I'm getting up." We have to leave here in an hour, so I'm just doing all my routines until then. Long drives are cool. I like the challenge. On a manic or possibly mixed episode in 2002 I drove from so CA to NY and back (stopping in Chicago and Boston for a couple days each) in about a week of time. It was cool but pretty dangerous. My car completely spinned on an ice slick in the night on a curving road and came back to almost the same place as I started. I had to take a breath before I started driving again, but luckily no one else was on that road at the time. Was probably somewhere in Wyoming. Welly, hope your episode doesn't have a bad crash at the end and cross your fingers that mine doesn't either.

[Pughead]

I dig long drives too. I use to live in Oregon and I enjoyed the long drive to the midwest when we moved back. I miss Oregon though.
Also have done some long trips from here to western Canada and east to New York.

Hope you have a safe and fun trip!