dontknowwhattodo

dontknowwhattodo: My girlfriend is suffering from this illness and is not getting any help whatsoever, due to not having health insurance. She has been very distant towards me lately and never wants me around. I want to help her, but at the same time it makes me feel like I'm such a piece of garbage. I have no idea how to go about this situation anymore. I know I can't completely take off on her because she needs people right now, but I feel as if she is pushing me away on purpose most of the time.

Hello don'tknowwhattodo,
I shifted this response from the "Never Stop Caring" discussion because I know you're new and you might not know to go back and check the discussion for responses.

You may find it reassuring to know that I've spent the past several years learning about severe forms of mental illness after experiencing psychosis several years ago. As a result, I'm quite well versed in a great deal of the options, the terminology, the symptoms, etc. In spite of all that, there's times I don't know what to do either! However I am learning so here's some suggestions that might help you.

Step 1: Learn everything you can about the disorder. Bear in mind that a dry list of symptoms seldom captures the reality of how those symptoms may manifest in your life and the life of your girlfriend.

Step 2: Learn to identify the phases she may be in. As a general rule of thumb there are three phases: Depressed -- Stable -- Manic. I'm finding that I respond differently to different phases with my child and that this different response is necessary.

Step 3: Find a support group for yourself. I'm finding it helpful to converse with other people who actually have the disorder because I have faith that they have insights that dry medically oriented articles just can't offer to me but I also have places I can go or people I can talk too when I'm feeling overwhelmed or exhausted or burnt-out.

Step 4: Try to solicit some help from her family. I'm certain I read a post of yours somewhere that said her family seems to be blind to what's going on. They probably aren't, but maybe they don't know how to talk about it. Also, loyalty to the family member can inhibit them from talking openly about what's happening but that might change if you initiate a conversation. It's probably best to choose a time when you're feeling relatively calm; it might even be helpful to choose a place outside of the household. Share what you've learned about bipolar disorder with her family members and express your specific concerns -- for her, for you and maybe even for them.

Step 5: Begin to seek out local support resources that may be able to help your girlfriend. Some communities have mental health hotlines and this can be a good place to begin. Alternatively, look for local support groups. Both options can help point you in the direction of local resources even for those people who do not have health insurance.

Step 6: Accept that it is a learning process that you will get better at as you go along. Initially, it's so challenging and such a struggle because you don't yet understand exactly what you're dealing with or where you can go to find the help you both need. As you seek out your own answers, you'll figure that out.

Step 7: Obviously you love your girlfriend -- if you didn't, you wouldn't be so distressed by all of this. Try to hold on to that vision.

Step 8: Know that you can't do this alone. You need personal and professional support as does your girlfriend. Your stress levels are so high right now because it sounds like you have been trying to deal with this on your own and it's too much for you to address on your own.

Step 9: Know that you can't do it for her. She has to make the decision within herself to want to move towards wellness and recovery however you can help line up some options for her.

Step 10: Come back and ask for more help if you need it.

Thank you so much. I've been working on this and things have not been going well at all. I've lost my patience a few times and have been very nasty towards her because of this. The guilt I feel is unbearable, and I just want to apologize but I feel nothing I do is good enough. Also she wont let me even discuss BP with her, she assumes I dont understand, and just cuts me off, no matter how much I try and tell her otherwise. I dont completely understand, and I'm afriad I've done even more to distance us further as of late, and I just want to make things better, as I wouldnt want her giving up on me if the situation were reversed. I can only apologize so many times though, and just need help as to how I can make things better. Obviously I love her otherwise I would've given up awhile ago, and the last we spoke she believes I already have given up, and I just want her to know that's not what I want to do, but again it goes back to her accusing me of knowing nothing about what she's going through, and of course I'm not in her situation so I don't know completely, but I'm trying to understand, that is the important part. Please help me out here, I cant go another night without sleep.

Aww I dont knowwhat to do, Im up too - same reason, I think my friend is going through something similiar too and I feel the same way, only its reversed, Im the girl and I worry about a guy.Hugs!

Can she call a crisis center and get in to see a doctor on a sliding fee schedule--pay what you can afford? Have her look up crisis help in the yellow pages or call directory assistance.

Hello don'tknow,

Thank you so much. I've been working on this and things have not been going well at all. I've lost my patience a few times and have been very nasty towards her because of this. The guilt I feel is unbearable, and I just want to apologize but I feel nothing I do is good enough.

Being in the role of caregiver/caretaker or supporter to someone with bipolar disorder can be immensely challenging. I can be impartial in your situation because I'm not the one who's in it, but when I'm in the midst of attempting to work things out with my own child, my emotions can certainly become far more involved. It can help to brush up on your communication skills and to call frequent time-outs to any discussion if you find your own emotions are building. In some cases it may also be helpful to communicate by writing because it allows a little more time for reflective thought in composing your words and in responding to the words of another.

Meantime, I noted above that how we respond to someone may depend very much on which state they are in. Here's some basic descriptors, can you identify which phase your girlfriend is currently going through?

Remember that the list of symptoms may not correlate specifically to your girlfriend's experiences. For example, when my own child is entering a manic phase the increased energy they experience can often be seen in a mass flurry of intentions. For example, they will want to start several new projects or suddenly decide on a chosen career, only to come up with five alternate careers they would like to explore all within fifteen minutes of emphatically stating they have found their life purpose. In addition, some people experience a mixed episode which includes both mania and depression. If you're not sure what phase your girlfriend might be in, I suggest you share with us what you're seeing and we might be able to recognize the phase.

Meantime I agree it would be helpful to get in contact with some professionals. Often a starting point can be a family doctor or a therapist. Note, your girlfriend might be more open to going to therapy if the initial focus is on you and her, i.e. you may be able to find a local therapist who can help the two of you learn to communicate more effectively about this and other relatioship difficulties who is also knowledgeable about bipolar disorder.

What a wonderful person you are (((Spiritual emergency))) - you really are what your name implies - ' a person who helps in an emergency'.

Best of luck to you ((Don'tknowwhattodo198 and GF))

Thank you, lynn_P. I've learned a lot and I don't mind sharing. The moniker "spiritual emergency" however is actually a transpersonal phrase that shows up in the DSM as Code V62.89 - Religious or Spiritual Problem under psychotic disorders.

It may be applicable to some people who carry the diagnosis of Bipolar'd or Schizophrenic.

~ Namaste

Thank you. I haven't spoken to her in a few days, so I have no idea. I believe she's been having mixed episodes though, considering I've been having such a hard time figuring anything out.