Not functioning, not happy

I am not sure how to put this into words, but I am just not well.

I am working with my p-doc to get my meds straight, my bloodwork came back normal, I am going to therapy, taking my meds, but I can't get going.

Why can't I heal? Why can't I recover?

What is stopping me?

I know what I am supposed to do...

Oh (((((((hon'))))))), if you find out, tell me! It took so many years before things started to work right with me, and i still get these blips from time to time. Hang in there. If you are doing all the right things, keep doing them. Something somewhere has got to give. Huggss!

I almost feel like I need a day program so that I can re-learn daily functioning and be accountable to people and professionals, but I don't want to have to leave my kids and find daycare for them. Plus, the program I looked at online requires 25hours of structure outside the program such as job or school or volunteer work, and that scares the crap out of me.

It does sound like a lot, but what is so scary about it for you?

Right now, I can't even bring myself to go to the YMCA for a 60 minute workout. The thought of getting a job or having to be out with people makes me want to throw up.

I wish I knew why...

It takes everything I have to leave the house to pick my son up from school. He is on break right now and I honestly stayed in my pj's for three days until my friend (my only friend left)dragged me out for a cup of decaf last night. I only get to see her about once a month.

lots of hugs to you, and support. This is hard, i can sympathize, but it doesnt last-bipolar is unique that way- take care of yourself and wait this thing thru, leah

HMMMMM. Sounds like you might actually need what cares you. I'm sorry i am so scattered, but are you seeing a T? You might honestly do the "first I'll take myself to the curb every day, then to the corner, etc until you can get yourself out and around the block. I'm kinda worried that if this keeps going, it's going to get harder to get over that bump. HUGGGGS, say the person who has a training machine behind her saying "Just try it, #¤%&! See what happens!"

I do have a T and we have been trying to figure out how to build some structure into my day. I was honest with him and said that I honestly would blow it off if I set it up for myself. If I had a volunteer job, I would end up just not going any more, and if I had a job that I would call in sick as many times as I could until a supervisor talked to me about it, and then I would try to find a legitimate way to be sick, like wanting to get hurt, and eventually I would quit.

I am not in crisis, but I am not functioning and I just want to go somewhere and wipe out all the bad habits and get new ones.

I am also exhausted. I need a break. From what, I have no idea.

Maybe I am just too far gone...

TRIGGER





My husband is angry. I am depressed. He thinks I am not trying to get better. He thinks I am just sitting around letting the disease run me. What about therapy? What about my doctor? What about my meds? What about going to the hospital twice? What about my effort? What about my symptoms?
I give up. I should just sit around. I should just let it take me over. I should just let him go. But he won’t go. If I stop taking my meds he will. He said so. He will take the kids with him. I’ll lose the house. I’ll lose everything that matters to me. I will die, even if I live.
He is not supporting me. He is making me worse.
Every time I try to express what is going on with me, he gets angry and makes me feel worse. He just got pissed that I said I feel there is a wall between us and I try to hide how I am feeling until I can't hide it anymore. He told me it's my fault.

I know he is afraid. It takes so much energy for me to continue having these arguments with him and then explaining that I need his support and holding his hand on ways to give me support. I can't take much more of his reaction to me. I can't recover if I have to keep going over the same ground with him.

Sounds like you are reacting to your environment. This how i respond to verbal abuse. Maybe if you found what triggering your depression whth your therapist. Then you can work on it to fix it. I hope you feel better soon dear.

You and your husband really need to be in regular couple's counseling focused on living with this illness. He doesn't understand. He needs someone to help him have more awareness of his role with you with this illness. You both need to come to terms with this together.

I agree. We do go to counseling, but I think we need to change the focus to living with the illness.

He usually puts on a charm show for the therapist and then it makes me feel better while we are there so he and I seem to be in pretty good spirits. Then something like this happens and he can't deal with it and goes off on me.

That's why it needs to be on-going. He won't fool the therapist forever.

I agree with farmergrrl, BNLsMOM. It might also take time for your hubby to figure out what therapy is really about anyway. Mine has the same problem, and longer therapy might make a difference. Huggs and good luck

If I feel any worse, I am going to call my T. I don't want to bother him on New Year's Eve when he is taking a break with his family, but he said that I could call him 24/7.

I guess this time of year was a bad time to be in the middle of med changes.

My husband followed through with his threats... Had me falsely arrested, while in jail served me with a TPO, me on the streets, Husband moved his girlfriend into my home and she is now taking care of my kids while her mom is taking care of hers. I've been a stay at home mom since '96. Husband has always been too busy to be involved in our kids' lives, now he's got everything and me...

BNLsMOM and NoTime4Dreams my thoughts are with you both. Wishing you much peace.

BNLsMOM, I think your T would rather you call him then have something happen to you . That would be a far worse New Year memory for everyone, I think you know what I mean. Call when you need to, and remember, that is what he is there for,. If he had other plans, he would have arrainged for someone else to manage the emrgency calls. You are too important to lose because of ettiquette, hon. I'm sure you don't want that to be cut in your grave stone "Died of an overdose of good manners". OK, that was a jooke, but the way you are feeling is not. get yourself taken care of. HUUUUGGGGGSSSSSSS.

What you describe is identical to my own experience. I found that volunteering one morning a week paid off huge dividends. I was extremely nervous at the beginning but now look forward to those days and would not miss them for anything.
Don't beat yourself up over the PJ days. They are an occasional reality. Try and make pace with them and don't listen to people who think their lives are validated because they are always 'so busy'.
Best wishes

My head is spinning. I am trying to figure out a way out of this. I am so tired. I slept until 3 p.m. and then dozed on the couch until 8. I skipped our annual dinner and work duty at my inlaws house because I find it too triggering.

I dreamed all night about being in the hospital again.

My body is in slow motion and my mind won't stop. I am so confused about what I am feeling and what has heppened this week. I am glad I have been posting because I can look back and see. If I had to describe it, I don't think I could be coherent.

Sorry to hear you are going thru such a rouogh time right now. Just wanted to send hugs.

BNLsMOM, honey, have you called your T? I think it's time you got in and got your meds and situation overhauled big time, OK? Tell your hubby right away! Huggs, and Yes, I will keep nagging.....

Thanks.

I actually feel a little better today, but not as good as I should.

I am in the middle of a med change, but I have to get the Prozac out of my system before I can get on Lithium. There is a chance of serotonin syndrome if I still have a bunch of Prozac in my system. With my track record of weird side effects, p-doc doesn't want to take the risk. She switched me to Celexa which is safer with Lithium.

So until I can get on the Lithium I am stuck with my Trileptal which doesn't work very well, and Celexa which I suspect isn't working as well as the Prozac did.

I see her on Tuesday and I will definitley tell her what has been going on with me.

I haven't called T yet.

Thank you for nagging.

You're welcome! Glad to be of some help! I'll stop now Huggs.

Ugh. Tonight I can't sleep. Apparently, I have more on my mind than I thought I did.

I am beginning to suspect a mixed episode, here. That's what I went through this summer and it is starting to feel like that.

I hope I don't have to go to the hospital, but if I need a quick change-over to Lithium, I am willing to do it in a controlled environment such as the hospital.

Any thoughts?