Apology and a Question (TRIGGER)

I am sorry for not posting much, I don't feel like I contribute anything of use. I read my posts and I come off as bossy or bragging and I feel bad.

Lately I have been really stable. Feeling pretty good. I got a Lithium level done yesterday....and when I got home I thought "What's stopping me from getting the level back....then hoarding my Lithium instead of taking it? I could then have a nice stash of pills if I wanted a way out."

WHERE did that come from? I don't want to do that! I like being alive! I like not being depressed! I miss mania, but not that much where I want to not take my Lithium. I can't even think about lying to my beloved T every week about my meds, I love her too much to lie.

I just have no idea where such an icky thought came from. Although I wonder if it's connected to the session this week where T and I talked about my first bipolar episodes in college. I have PTSD related to that experience.

By the way, I am taking my Lithium as prescribed and am NOT hoarding.

It's so nice to hear when someone is doing better. I'm so glad you shared with us, it gives us hope.

Hey Amazon... negative intrusive thoughts are a typical part of bipolar disorder. It's not unusual at all for you to have a normal mood, no suicidal ideation and have thoughts that are preoccuppied about death or have thoughts about your death or more 'passive' suicidal thoughts. I don't want to say this is 'normal' but it is typical. I deal with it daily at this point. I have times where I feel great but yet still think about hurting myself or think about suicide even thought I have no urges. The point you should be really concerned is when the urges start to come around, but I know you know that.

I always love your responses and posts on here. When I'm reading a thread and I see Amazonmom has a reply posted I actually get excited and skip to reading it first usually. Your opinion always counts and is valued and you're a great member of the community. Please never stop posting!!!!!

I thought I was just some sort of weirdo for having such morbid thoughts. I wonder if having so many depressive episodes has trained my brain to think in such ways. Two babies died on my unit last week, so I have had death on my mind.

Before I was stable I would think of actually executing such a plan...but now there is no chance. I can't leave people behind. I can't lie to my T that way, not after she has done so much for me. There is no way I could lie to her about meds, or how I am doing. Sometimes I wish I could give her a giant hug for figuring out what was wrong with me, for listening to me after 13 long years of suffering.

I don't think you're strange at all. I have these thoughts at the oddest times myself. If it wasn't spontaneous I would wonder if it was a tool I used to gauge how I was feeling. But as in your case I'll be sitting there reading, watching TV, on the computer or whatever and those thoughts just pop in my head. I used to wonder "where did that come from?" and get very concerned that perhaps I wasn't in as good of a place as I thought I was.

It's hard to verbalize this in a way that isn't triggering. But basically I've decided that as long as I am able to answer those thoughts in the negative (as in I do not want to act on these feelings) and I'm able to pluck something positive from the air to be grateful for I'm fine. If those negative thoughts ever become more attractive I will definitely let my doctor know.

Agreed, I have had similar thoughts, but they come in "packs" then disperse pretty soon. Don't feed them and they'll find someplace else to hang out.
As to your posts, I have not personlly experienced any of them as being bossy or braggy. I was in fact wondering where you had gotten to and was getting ready to chase you down on the profiles! Please post! Your input is just as improtant as anyone else's here, dear. I mean it. Huggs!

I have those thoughts from time to time as well. I am far from stable, however.

As far as your posts go, I like reading the things you post. You have a lot of insight and wisdom to share.

I have those thoughts too. Even when I'm stable, I'll have some, but they are more random and don't have that compelling feel. When I'm depressed, they are much more pervasive and.... convincing, for lack of a better word.
Btw, amazonmom, when I first saw the title of your thread, I thought, "huh? Apologize for what???" I think your posts are very helpful -- certainly nothing to apologize for there! :-)

Unfortunately, I have those sorts of thoughts all the time but as long as I can, like you, say, "Whoa, no way," I blow them off. When I start to think about it more I try to get to a doc as soon as possible.

So, I'd say as long as you're able to dismiss them out of hand you're doing ok.

As for not posting much, heck I've been a member for years and only have 373 posts.

I'm glad to hear from you, I have missed your responses (which I don't find to be bossy at all). I hate intrusive thoughts as well. Seems like we all get them. UG.

I think it is typical for someone who has spent a deal of time thinking negative thoughts to have that residual energy come back. I used suicidal ideation so many times in my youth to cope with all kinds of stress and now my mind subconsciously goes there, but I don't dwell on that. For me being bi-polar is a kin to being an addict and my drug of choice were my excessive emotions. So when I get stressed I go to what is natural for me as a recovering addict. And I agree with many other posters to your response the fact you take the time to share with the community should be commended. I wish well to you and yours.