Please help!

Okay, Im 20 years young, married, and a mother of 2 wonderful boys. About 6 years ago i was diagnosed with moderate depression. I was a self mutilator for about a year until i met my husband, who helped me stop. Then, I got pregnant with my first son at 16, at 5 or 6 months along in my pregnancy i started to get more depressed and was thinking about suicide. My husband and I split up (then dating) and I went off the deep end. I was so upset when my mom picked me up from his house that I tried jumping out of the car. She took me to the hospital and I was then too young to stay at the hospital in town so I had to go to a psychiatric hospital about an hour away. I stayed there for about 2 weeks. They put me on medicine and I was then diagnosed with severe depression. My husband (then boyfriend) and I got back together when i got out. But, still had plenty of arguments. I had my son in Jan. 2007 and suffered from post partum. Then 6 months went past and I was starting to feel better and I found out I was pregnant once again. This time was a lot different. Since when I was pregnant the first time I ended up in the hospital the doctors & I thought it was necessary that I stay on my meds. though-out my pregnancy. I was still sleeping way to much and crying a lot but, didn't have thoughts of hurting myself. I had my 2nd son april 2008. After that I had extreme post partum and for the first 4 months he was alive I wanted nothing to do with him. I switched drs. got on different meds. and things started to change.I turned 18..was no longer on my moms insurance and didn't have the money of my own or my own insurance. So, I stopped taking my meds. My husband and I got married in June of 2008. Things went down hill from there. We argued all the time and I ended up meeting someone about 4 months after we got married..on the internet. We never met but, still talked everyday and there was plenty of flirting. I told my husband. We argued, split up, then got back together. In Feb. 2009 My husband and I were arguing one night, and he went out to a bar. I went to sleep and woke up to him screaming and yelling at me. Then, what I thought would never happen did. He repeatedly started hitting and choking me. I thought I was going to die that night. I was so scared and trying my hardest to scream, but it's not like anyone would hear me. all of our windows were closed and it was around 2am. I was bleeding everywhere and didn't think it was ever going to stop. Thank god finally my oldest son woke up and started screaming. (he was in his room and couldn't get out because we had a gate up so they couldn't go down stairs in the middle of the night) Finally my husband snapped out of it. I ran into the bathroom bleeding everywhere on the way. He came in astonished as to what he had just done. After that nothing was ever the same. We stayed together, after he promised probably over a million times that he would never do it again. Then in May 2009, I met another guy and we talked for awhile, ended we up having an affair. My husband found out, he moved out took basically everything including our kids. And the worst part was because we are married there was nothing the police could do. Anyways, we lost our house, ended up moving in to his moms after getting back together about 3 weeks later. Things still aren't better. In July I quit my job, and in Aug. I ended up on the psychiatric floor for about a week. I got back on medicine but, when I left the hospital I only had meds for a month. I was suppose to make an appointment to keep getting my meds but got so sucked up in trying to get a job that I put it off until now. He hasn't beat me but, I feel so caught in the middle. I don't know whether I want to try to work this out or not. We have tried marriage counseling and he said that we are emotionally divorced, and that we either need to get divorced and move on or start over. After that first appointment we didn't go back. Things are getting worse for me and us as a couple. My husband lost his job so, I'm now the only one working and I'm getting more and more depressed. I sleep all the time unless I have to work. My husband has been taking care of our kids for the most part. Also about 3 days ago my husband and I were talking an he said something about me being a compulsive liar. I knew I lied but, I didn't realize the extent of it. Now, thinking about it I lie like its an addiction. It could be something so simple and I lie about it. I also have very bad mood swings and most of the time don't remember what I said or what started the fight. Then, to make matters worse. Last night I was laying in bed, then next thing I know my husband was laying next to me rubbing my back and telling me to calm down. Apparently, I threw one of our kids toys across the room, started screaming and crying histarically and saying I wanted my mom. Then, he said that I wouldn't move that I was standing on the bed and would not sit down for nothing. Then finally he got me to sit and I was rocking back and forth and crying still. I guess then I was yelling that I wanted kool-aide and screamed and scried about it until he got it/ He said it was almost like I was a child.I guess it lasted about an hour. I don't remember one bit of it. I only know what he told me. All I remember is laying in bed and next thing I know my head hurt really bad and I was shaking and really upset. It took a good hour to feel "normal" again. And, I'm still having trouble talking and I can't stop wondering what happened. I have a counseling appointment on the 26 but, I really need advice now. Please if anyone can help! Is this just severe depression or something more?! The blackout from last night has really got me scared. I will greatly appreciate any advice.

That is a lot to deal with. Though I don't have any real advice (but am glad you have an appointment... I've found that there is some comfort even in that, just knowing that there is some hope of relief in sight and in knowing that you took that step), but I do want to definitely give you a big

I see where innerzone said you have an appointment with your pdoc, but I didn't see it in your thread...maybe I missed it. In either case, you really, really need to go to the doctor. I know they are expensive, but this is a necessary thing. If it comes down to it, you need to go the a hospital with a psych ward and go to the er. I am really sorry you are having so many problems and clearly you are in a great deal of pain. I wish you well and sincerely hope you go to the doctor's very soon, it is important that you take care of yourself.

I think regression is normal when you have a series of traumatic events that occur. I think a good step to becoming mentally helathy is to be in an evironment where you feel completely safe. I can't offer too much advice on your situation i wish that i could... if you need someone to talk to i'd absolutely listen. Alot of times finding something like a hobby to distract you can help excerise your mind and turn your focus outward rather than direct it on yourself and how awful you feel Good luck at your app.

Okay, so I already tried to post this once, but I don't think it worked. if it did sorry. First, I wanna say thank you to all of your advice. Second, I have 8 days till I have my counseling appointment (not for med.s). I don't know if I'm gonna make it. Things are getting worse. I slept the whole day away today and 2 nights ago I got to depressed I cut my wrist. I haven't got that depressed in a very long time. My husband thinks I should go to the hospital but, I'm in the middle about it. My oldest sons birthday is on the 31st and I don't wanna miss it. And since I'm the only one working right now I don't wanna lose any hours. But, I can't keep being destructive. My mood swings are getting worse, but I haven't had another blackout...maybe I haven't had a trigger I don't know. But, I'm glad I haven't because that really scared me. It really seems like the only time I'm REALLY depressed is when I'm around my husband..but, I have no where else to live right now. So my question is do you think I should wait it out for 8 days and longer than that to get on some meds.. or go to the E.R. tonight? & Thank you again to everyone!

I don't think you should wait until you can't take it anymore, people do things they regret when they are irrational, especially if you are cutting it's just not safe.

Go straight to the er. You need help BAD. Maybe they can start you on a road of help.

think about it

do you want to miss your son's b-day or your son miss you on his b-bay the rest of his life?
you need to take care of yourself so you can take care of your kids.

also you might want to look into SSDI
you sound like you have major problems and there are programs out there to help. you just need to look and find them and ask your doctor for help!