Could I Get Your Advice and Insight?

Hi there. I could use some insight. I dated a man for five months……the most deliriously happy months of my adult life. He said (and I believed him and agreed) that we were perfectly suited for each other and that we had a wonderful future. He loved me and told me that I was perfect and that every time he was with me, he felt as though he was in heaven. Within a few days, he went from adoring and doting to questioning the entire relationship and pulling back emotionally. He said that he was protecting himself. He went from calling or emailing me several times a day to distance. Four days after telling me that he was completely crazy for me and hated to be away from me, he broke up with me via instant messages. He has called once since then, but ended up telling me that he had fallen out of love with me and that he could probably pinpoint the moment it happened. His voice was different (zombie) and he didn’t go out of his way to make things easier for me.

He is extremely sexual and capable well beyond his 50 years. He is very productive and successful and sleeps very little – he admits that he has severe difficulty with sleep and I am aware that he is on several medications for it. I noticed Depakote in his overnight bag along with six other drugs that I looked up and found they treated sleep and seizure issues. When I asked, he told me that they were all for sleep. He admitted to a suicide attempt five years ago and told me that he could take medication to level him, but he stated that he hates feeling numb. He had never admitted to bi polar, but since we broke up and in this very strange and cruel way, I have been struggling with this and I am wondering if all the signs were there and I opted not to see them.

He’s extremely intelligent and a very caring and empathetic prior to this recent experience. If he is manic, it is an impressive state for him – focused, productive, charming, talented, passionate, etc. He knows that I had been hurt previously by a bi polar husband and would choose not to deal with it again, so I wonder if he didn’t tell me, didn’t know, or knows, but is in denial.

Or……am I reading too much into this and ‘he’s just not that into’ me?

I dont think your reading too much into this, I think its very possible he may suffer from bipolar or another disorder? Im not an expert on this, I am also trying to learn about this for a friend, Do you Know any of his Friends? Anyone who may be able to shed some light on the way he behaves around them that maybe could give you some insight?

I think you have grounds for thinking he may be bipolar. Anti-seizure (convulsant) medication is very commonly used to treat mood disorders. Hypo-mania( a less intense form of mania) can make a person seem like a hard worker, outgoing, funny and stimulating. When I am hypo-manic I don't feel like I need a lot of sleep. I am very productive and have a take on the world attitude. We can't diagnose anything but we can tell if we do relate and I can see many consistencies in what you describe in the man you explain in myself and I am bipolar.

I recommend doing some reading about the difference between mania and hypo-mania so you can see the difference. Mania can be very scary where hypo-mania can seem like a good trait.

I really appreciate your thoughts here. I hadn't considered the difference between mania and hypomania and will do some research right away. I am very hesitant to ask anyone that knows him for fear that I would betray confidence because I know that finding the medication and knowing about the suicide attempt have put me into a very small circle (and I don't know anyone else in the circle). While I am sure that his mania phase is high-functioning, would this mean that his depression may not be 'as low' (he attempted the suicide years ago during a self-described 'low' period and depression). I do absolutely know that he is either not medicated by choice or medicates only when the symptoms bother him.....(so not during the ups).

He broke up with me and has clearly stated that he 'fell out of love' (from deep love and total commitment for months to this stage in less than four days), so I am also not welcomed to pursue these answers. I would like the insight for two reasons ~ (1) for my own personal care of my own heart since I am feeling totally confused and devastated by this sudden shift and (2) understanding and preparation because, from everything that I have read on this site and others, his 'shift' may be short lived and I want to be knowledgeable should he change his mind again and reappear in my life.

I have left him alone entirely except to let him know that I care about him, don't blame him, and want to leave the door open to talk down the road.....in a letter immediately after he broke up with me. I will feel silly if I am completely wrong about this and learn that I've misread it. I don't think that I'm wrong about the bipolar, but just because he is bipolar doesn't mean that he can't actually have stopped having feelings ~ it's the suddenness of the 180 degree change and seeming complete lack of empathy that makes me think that it is something more than a normal 'boy dumps girl' scenario.

I do adore him and would like to be there for him as much as possible, but I haven't been invited to be anywhere near him right now. I would love your advice, though I understand that all of these facts are isolated and I may be completely off base with this set of thoughts (I don't think that I am, though). Anyone have advice? And, thank you so much for your help already.

Honestly, I was wondering why it makes a difference. He is up to him to take care of his mental needs. You have your own to deal with.
Though each of your interations and mental states along with issues...
What you did see is that it wasn't working out - That's okay it's better to know than not...so you can begin again working on yourself

I had thought that I had responded, but it didn't post.

First, I wanted to thank the folks that responded and I am going to look into mania versus hypomania. I am curious about the situation if the highs aren't so high, are the lows not so low?

I am leaving him alone now after simply letting him know by letter that I care and am not mad at him. I don't feel that I have much response other than that. However, I do care about him deeply and these last months didn't indicate things weren't working, quite the opposite. The end came with no real reason other than a seeming complete personality change and within a matter of a few days, a shift from not wanting to spend a minute away from me to no longer feeling anything at all for me.

I am trying to figure it out and looking for insight because if he shifts back (which everything I've read suggests is likely), I would like to understand what is happening so that I can be supportive, but make decisions with facts.

I don't think that I can approach his friends. I think that I am one of the few people that knows about the medications (that he either takes or doesn't take) and the suicide attempt. I wouldn't betray him like that simply to answer my own questions ~ and he hasn't indicated that he wants my help or support so I don't see any specific action that I should take.

I'm not really searching for recommendations (unless there is something that I should be doing and I'm just not seeing it), I'm simply looking for clarity and insight from people who either personally suffer with BP or love someone who does.

I'm going to try to define what I'm seeking again because I am sincerely eager for a response from someone who either suffers BPD or loves someone who does. I was married years ago to a man that was diagnosed with it and it manifested itself in periodic violence. I left the marriage, but never actually saw the ups and downs and complete closure that I have just witnessed with my boyfriend.

The change was so extreme and so sudden that it really chilled me. One of my friends told me that her exhusband has BPD and would periodically 'disappear' with no consideration of her feelings or how it might affect her. Other times, he was a kind man. I wanted to hear from someone who has actually done this to understand what happens?

Please help.

~MYLIFENOW~
It does sound like BP. I am diagnosed bipolar 1, and have had a few full blown manias in which I destroyed trusts people had in me and a couple long term relationships. Depakote is a well known drug used to treat BP. I feel very sorry for the people who deal with bipolar folks. It must take alot of tolerance and love to deasl with it. I hope you find your answers and can successfully get on with your life. I wouldn't be surprised one bit if he came back in a few days acting as if nothing ever went wrong, but if you choose to stay with him, be aware that this is typical behaviour and will last his lifetime. Good Luck!

Rainy_daze,

Thank you. No one in the world is perfect and everyone suffers their own personal challenges. I, frankly, would rather be with someone that acknowledges their flaws than someone that pretends to be perfect (because no one is). I don't understand what it would be like to have no control of your ups and downs ~ but please know that anyone who admits to a problem, seeks help (even when it is unsuccessful), and carries their own burden is still a wonderful person to be with. I read what you wrote, but I am sure that someday, someone will know your value.....warts and all.

Thank you for your help ~ and it DOES help.

I am leaving him alone now after simply letting him know by letter that I care and am not mad at him. I do care about him deeply ,I am trying to figure it out and looking for insight because if he shifts back (which everything I've read suggests is likely), I would like to understand what is happening so that I can be supportive,I I can't approach his new friends . I think that I am one of the few people that knows about theres something going on besides depression, I wouldn't betray him like that
'm looking for insight from people who either personally suffer with BP or love someone who does. The change was so extreme and so sudden, would periodically 'disappear' with no consideration of her feelings or how it might affect her. Other times, he was a kind man. I wanted to hear from someone who has actually done this to understand what happens?

That Sounds so much like my situation, My life now, I can relate so much to you, I hope you are doing ok,Like you, Im also searching for answers, I think your great for trying to understand and want to help, Im doing the same.

Thank you. No one in the world is perfect and everyone suffers their own personal challenges. I, frankly, would rather be with someone that acknowledges their flaws than someone that pretends to be perfect (because no one is). I don't understand what it would be like to have no control of your ups and downs ~ but please know that anyone who admits to a problem, seeks help (even when it is unsuccessful), and carries their own burden is still a wonderful person to be with. I read what you wrote, but I am sure that someday, someone will know your value.....warts and all.

Thank you for your help ~ and it DOES help.

I agree with you 100 percent girl, I feel the exact same way, Your doing the right thing!

Hi Feeling Sad, I'm sorry. I'm so new to this board that I don't know people. Are you someone that suffers from BPD or are you in the same boat ~ loving one? I can tell you that simply finding this site and learning about the problem has helped dramatically. I'm still very sad about the change that came over someone who I care about, but I am coming to grips with possibly having to simply leave it alone. I'm so glad that (at the time) I didn't say or do anything mean or judging. I was so numb that I just told him not to be sad and that I loved him. In the moment, I felt that he was being cruel and uncaring ~ I'm realizing that he is the man that I knew before and his behavior is illness. May be illness that doesn't allow us to be together, but I'm so glad that I didn't compound his pain. Somehow, right now, that is giving me comfort. Thank you for your kind words and support.

I joined this site last May and it was the best thing i ever did, everyone on here is WONDERFUL AND VERY LOVING!! The best people! Im like you, Im someone who loves someone( I think Im in love with my Friend who suffers from this) He never told me he does have it, but i believe it by things Ive noticed and he pushed me away too, So So sad. Coming here has been great, very informative, learning alot, I think similiar the illness is why we couldnt be together, ,me and him, So def can relate, Im still a mess though, because we have been friends/more for 10 yrs and hes like part of my family so him being away now is very very hard,How do you cope? Im so sad.

Hi Feeling Sad. I'm so sorry. I think about the things that he has told me ~ about his highs and lows, his depression, his medication, etc......my sense is that he has been diagnosed and medicated and while he has told me everything AROUND the problem, he hasn't named it. Gratefully, a friend of mine had suspected it some time ago and started me reading all of this. Frankly, it doesn't change anything ~ but it does make it more understandable. I am so much more at peace than I have been ~ and will know how to respond when (and if) I hear from him again. Not counting on it, just preparing.

You'll get through this. Unreturned love is really hard and it sounds like you've been feeling this way for a long time. Trying to keep someone happy who is chemically destined to depression is a project destined to fail.......

Take care of yourself......

Thanks my life now, its not so much unreturned love , i know he cares about me, i think he thinks im better off without him, he even said trust me you can do much much better, which is not true cause he is the guy i want to be with, long story, we have a history, i dont think my friend is diagonosed or takes medication, and only told me about the depression and though which is why i worry, i know i cant be strong and help unless im strong myself , so im trying to takje care of myself too, so when and if he comes to me , im ready too, You too, take care of yourself friend, Big hugs!

I'm sorry. I know that hurts. He told me that he could 'even himself out' with medication, but doesn't like to feel numb. I didn't understand what that meant at the time ~ I feel kind of sorry that he didn't feel comfortable telling me, it would have relieved some of the pain of all of this. It was just before he spiraled down. I've read it some places on some of these sites and my girlfriend's exhusband also refused the medication because he lost the mania which he loved.

Sounds like he is a lucky person to have a friend like you.

Rainy_daze,

Can I ask you a question? I am curious about how this manifests itself. You mentioned destroying trust......and please forgive me for asking a personal question. Did you make promises, plans, etc., and not keep them? It sounds almost silly when I write it down, but is this something consistent with BPD or does it vary? Things like planning a vacation and either not remembering or not following through? Thanks for considering the question.

Hi All. It seems like it has been over a year, but it's only a few weeks. He seems to be shifting back, though I have no idea what his intentions are. I've become somewhat steeled because I was so completely devastated by his previous behavior and I'm a little nervous about it happening again. I haven't spoken with him yet ~ just exchanged some voicemails/emails. He says that he wants to be friends ~ not sure if this is part of a pattern that will have him ping-ponging back into my life. I do care about him ~ it's not that. We haven't really talked, so I don't know if he is aware of what happened or is going to tell me (or if I completely jumped to conclusions!) Any insight would be appreciated.

FYI: BP is bipolar; BPD is borderline personality disorder

Hope things get better enough so that you can talk to about this together.