[RRU96]

This is one of the more emotional days I have had in awhile. But its almost like there was a theme for the day.. Triggers you have no control over. I mean... I understand that if you know a certain thing is going to trigger you.. then you might try your best to avoid it. What do you do to triggers you have no control over.

The day started with my waking up to hearing my wife on the phone. It was a collection agency for my Sister-in-laws Mother-in-law. She has never lived in this house, and she doesnt even know my phone number. But yet someone, this crooked @ss collections agency has called since we have had this number. Always telling them that nobody lives here... take our name off the list... to no avail. Today... the straw that broke the camels back. I snapped... cussing them out while my wife was on the phone.. Then afterwards, checking the caller ID... called them back about 3 or 4 times.. eventually they got sick of it and transferred me to the boss.
He got it (or so he says)... but it didnt help. Someone else will still probably end up calling here for her.

Later, my wife tried calling her neurologist for some more pain medication. Her methadone is running out tomorrow... and she is not scheduled to see him again until Friday next. In the meantime, being out of METHADONE... they told her to take ALEVE. I not claiming to be a Doctor... but I am sure that if the Methadone ran out because she has had to use it more than she wanted, Aleve is going to be as effective as throwing a pebble at a tank. Add on that the withdrawals she is about to start facing this next week from the methadone. How is that going to be good? When she doesnt feel good, it puts more stress on me, which starts the whole emotional drain that ANY caregiver would face, let alone a BP caregiver.

This is how I stewed all day. Then later in the night, my wife asked her mother if we could borrow the outside table. Told her that when they decided to start using it in the spring, we will bring it back down, if we didnt get our own first. This is where it gets good.... quote the mom to my wife "Dear Heart, You will never get anything" .

Needless to say... this didnt sit well. I blew up on facebook at her. Kind of like... venting.. giving them what they probably expect from me. Jumping the gun, saying things I shouldnt have. Next thing I know, I get a message back from her saying I am pushing it to far. Reading the message, you can almost see her clinching her teeth, mumbling things about I did this... or I caused that.. thats the feeling that she seemed to write in her words.

I read all that... came back with another smartass remark like I do so well... pretty much saying... You would be Much happier if I got a divorce it sounds like.

Now, I love my wife.... I dont want a divorce.. Is life stressful. You Betcha.. But this is how angry this woman made me. I end up just getting up and leaving and telling my wife I go to bed. Next thing I know, my wife is crying, typing a message back to her mom in a very snappy, pissy kind of way. So all I can do is cry... standing there behind her thinking...
Look what I started. Getting so worked up, and then just passing it off to the wife. I mean, I know I feed off of other peoples emotions..Your happy, so am I. But to pass MY emotions onto my wife because of things I wrote and said. That just depresses me and makes me angry at myself.

After the first incident, I tried taking care of a project I was working on... but then.. poof... along comes the train wreck.

What can you do when you have these triggers in your life that you cant avoid. I mean, I do my best to not go down to their house for supper. They know I have BP.... but the attitude towards me is like... Okay.. Good for you.. Now how come you dont work? I avoid them, but then crap like this happens where I cant get away.

[Moose72]

I hope you can find some time away from home and just for yourself. I like to go to a coffee shop and read. And bill collectors will stop at nothing. The read everyone's credit reports to hnt you down.

[Moreta]

I find that it is best to "avoid" my triggers (mother) at all costs. Work on setting boundaries with your mother-in-law, and seriously, make your Facebook account inactive. That's what I had to do, after my mother discovered Facebook.

Most of lifes melt-downs are related to the fact that you don't have the proper coping skills. Which, I learned the hard way. I kept wanting to blame the medication, and not take the responsibility of using the proper coping skills, because it is a lot easier to blame the medication, then actually work at something that isn't immediate.

Simply posting my feelings on here some days are helpful to myself, and when that doesn't work, I usually write out the problem, think about it logically, and find the "broken" thought so I can fix it. For example, I have a recurring thought everyday, that for some reason (?) people are talking about me, and saying how horrible a job that I do. So I write it out, then write the response that "nobody is talking about me, and if they were, it's none of my business." Then I do some tapping, and say some affirmations, then I feel a lot better.

Hang in there.

[phlashback]

Hang in there, I am sure we all have had those days. I am just discovering triggers that I did not even realize were present, and my coping skills have left something to be desiered.

I had to work from 8:00am to 12:00am on a project at work, I was already cycling from low to high and back again... each time getting more and more intense. My coworkers were all gone by 4:00 pm, and they left me alone to do complete mail server upgrades and mantenence. I am salaried, and do not get overtime, and I wasn't even the person who was supposed to be on-call and would typicaly be responsible for system maintenence. They wanted me to do it, because I know the system inside and out, backwards and forwards. I would have had no problem acting as a resource, heck last week was my on-call week. Nobody even offered to assist me, and any thing that needed to be done was tasked to me. It has taken a lot to not snap on people.

My emotional state has been... hazardous according to my family, so when I got home from work last night after all the garbage of the day I find my brother waiting for me. My family decided it was in my best interest to remove my direct access to medication, and items that could be used to do self harm (pills, drink, impliments...). I understand where they are comming from, and realize that they are worried about me. So here I am responsible for the entier hospital network, but can't even get my own meds to take.

I said a few choice words, and fummed for another 4 hours, just so that I could turn around and come back to work.

I am tired, cranky, hurt, and just plain fuming.

I can relate to... hang in there and good luck. I think we all need a hug today.

[Moreta]

Hugs for everyone!!

They wanted me to do it, because I know the system inside and out, backwards and forwards.

I struggle with this problem too. Knowing too much. Then everybody just expects for you to do it, since you actually know what is going on. Unlike the rest of the people you work with, who only know the basic skills required for their job.

I just enjoy knowing how things work, and I do a lot of research to accomplish this. Most of the time it's when I'm hypo-manic, because I just feel like doing something, and if it helps me progress at my job, I'm all for it.

Plus, I hope to get the hell out of here one day, and actually go work for a company that will actually pay me enough for what I do.

[RRU96]

Well... my wife and my mother-in-law ended up having a talk this morning. Things seemed to straighten out, but of course it still just taxes the relationship we did have that much more. Last night, my mother-in-law made a comment to the extent... I didnt care about them... because I can't stand to be around them. I dont go down there if they invite me. Which she is right, I dont go down there, and I do have a problem being around there. But its a trigger... and I dont think she can understand that. Everytime I try and go down there, they end up bickering... losing their tempers... thats how it goes. I can't take that. It reminds me to much of my mother and father fighting when I was a kid. She says she walks on egg shells when I am there because she knows I cant take the fighting, but it still doesnt work. They still fight, and it still triggers. The anxiety starts building up, start to get hot flashes,.... itchy all over...and then I excuse myself and leave. She knows its because she is bickering with her husband or HER mother-in-law, but she still takes it that I cant stand to be around her.

I have decided that having her on my facebook is not the greatest thing. I am going to take her off of my facebook today, but no matter what, I still cant take her out of my life, and I still cant make her understand that it isnt her that I dont like, its the fighting.

[pogo]

Hey there, just thought I'd add in my hopefully helpful two bits. It is definitely tough when the inlaws can set you off, as it does add that strain.
Sorry, I'm fizzling out on what I'd planned to say, as the bedtime meds are kicking in. It sounds like you're bothered by the gap between what you actions show and what you feel about your in-laws. They may never really understand - I haven't found many people yet that get it if they haven't been there. But if separating the trigger of their bickering from them as individuals is important to you, perhaps you could look for ways to demonstrate what you do feel from a safer place. A service done for them, ask about them and any details events when you talk to your wife. Maybe consider an occasional e-mail when you're in the right frame of mind. E-mail is not quite so prone to flame wars and collateral damage.
If you do decide to do something, do it for yourself, to feel your doing your part. Don't do it if you feel they'll owe you something in return.

Hang in there, and good luck.

[grizmom]

I wish I could give you some great advice, but I don't know how to handle triggers that I can't avoid either. For me, this is one of the things I really hate about bipolar...even when I am on meds that work well to keep me from cycling for no apparent reason, situational triggers can still set off an episode and as far as I know, no medication out there helps with that. Even my anti-anxiety meds don't work very well when something happens to get me "bent out of shape" (for lack of a better phrase).

I do try to do guided meditations, focus on a puzzle or a game, come here for support, write in my blog or a journal, relax in a hot bath, or even call a crisis line just to talk with someone, and sometimes those things will help a little bit and sometimes they don't help at all. I'm hoping to start seeing a therapist again sometime in the near future and it is definitely something I will be asking about, so if I get any good advice I will pass it on!!

Sorry I am not much help, but you're not alone! I will keep you and your wife in my thoughts; I hope that something can be figured out to help your wife while she waits to see her doctor, and I hope that taking your mother-in-law off of your facebook page will help a little. I wish you and your wife the best, especially for the upcoming week which might be difficult. Take care!!