[mamaJenof5]

Four years, Thats how long my husband and I have ben together. He lately told me, not in so many words that he is tired of the mood swings, crying,depression, what I call anger turrets(burst of anger uncontrollable). He's tired of me on the couch for days or not even getting out of bed. Sleeping all the time and just plain not caring. He's tired of all the hurtful words and worrying if I am going to hurt myself. Four years. must feel like forty.

I understand but I ask him to try to understand I have been doing this for as long as I can remember. Episodes going back to when I was five. I am almost twenty-nine. I asked him to try to live wth yourself as you look into the eyes of your children knowing you have just broke their little hearts with your break down. Try feeling so low you don't even care if your house is clean, if dinner is made, or if you have even showered all week. Try crying so much you can't even breathe and you can't even figure out what it is that broke you in the first place. Try Hateing yourself so much you are constantly questioning if and wy anyone could truelly love you.

I have five children, I watch two daily, Sometimes I wonder why I even allow these children around me what with the mood swings and all. I have bipolar. I am a rapid cycler. I am tired. Over Twenty years of ups and downs. MOre downs than ups. I would love to be more manic atleast then I can pretend to be happy. Atleast then I can clean and cook. I do fun crazy stuff with my kids. Who am I? I pretend so much of the time with the people around me so I don't seem crazy that I am five different people. I guess I can adapt to what people expect or need me to be. And then it all seems to come out for the people I don't have to pretend with. I am a mean hurtful lazy woman. Is that me or the illness? I know what I dream of being. I know the fantasys I make up in my head while I am trying to avoid my life, I am a great loving person. Am I kidding myself? Is it all just that, a fantasy?

I am a very tired soul. I have all but quit. Quit what? trying. The only thing that has kept mefrom the peace of death is my children, even though I really believe they would be better off without me. I have had serious thoughts of taking my own life in the past, but another shot at switching meds ( it feels like the hundreth try) and feeling like a failure in life. It leaves me thinking whats the point? Ending everything seems like calmness, peace and quiet. Sleep. Maybe death is a never ending dream. and in my dreams I am happy and nice and ok to be awake. I am not someone who hurts the ones I love...in my dreams I am not tired.

[BNLsMOM]

I can feel your pain in this post. I have many of the same thoughts. I find life stressful with two children; I can't imagine having five.

I am sure that your husband is tired. This disorder takes so much out of everyone. It is important that you are in therapy. Have you considered couple's therapy? Also, your husband might consider a therapist that he can talk to about how he is feeling.

In my family, I am in therapy, we are in couple's therapy, mu husband is in therapy and my oldest son is in therapy.

I think it helps, although it doesn't solve everything.

I understand the meds thing too. I have been dealing with this my whole life, but only got diagnosed about a year ago. I have been on so many meds already in that year that I can hardly keep track. I have to assume something will work.

Don't give up. We, on this board, are right there with you.

[grizmom]

Jenni,

Don't give up. Don't let bipolar win. Don't become a statistic. I don't think you are a mean, hateful, lazy woman. You have an illness that makes you feel like you are. It's a mean illness. Has your husband read any books or anything about bipolar and how to help you? Is there anyone who can watch your children for you one or two afternoons a week to help ease the pressure a bit?

I know you're hurting, and I know it's frustrating. I know that having to have medications adjusted all the time is a pain in the arse. The mood swings suck. Things that are no big deal for others are very stressful for us. It's not fair. Nothing about bipolar is fair. But Jenni, I believe in you. I think you're a strong person. It takes a strength to ask for help. It takes a strength to express how you are really feeling. And you've come here and done that.

Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself right now. If you need to have your meds adjusted, get in as soon as you can. If they don't have anything open soon enough and you don't feel like you can make it, get into an ER. MAKE someone listen to you. You deserve to receive help.

I hope that things look up soon. Keep posting and letting out those bottled up feelings. We'll be here to listen and help if we can.

[cocos421]

Hi Jenni,
I can understand how you must be feeling. You are NOT a lazy person, it is the illness. I am bipolar, but suffer from depression mostly, and my husband hates to see me sleep. Just yesterday he asked me if this is how the rest of his life is going to be. He meant that I am unmotivated and he does all the work. It is true. We have a home that we are in the middle of remodeling ourselves and he is doing everything. I can't get the energy to do something. I actually did some painting today. Wow! It's like I have to wait for some hypomania to kick in to get anything done, and that is few and far between.
I would suggest to you another med change. I know that's a pain to go through again, but I am finally on the right combination, I think.
Even though I am sluggish and unmotivated, these meds make me as stable as I can be.
I know what it's like to feel like your loved one's would be better off without you. And I question what my purpose in this life is. I complain constantly of aches and pains and I wonder if it's just an excuse to get out of work. Mybe I really am a lazy person. Maybe it isn't the illness.
I hope your husband can learn to understand bipolar. Mine listens to my problems and remembers what I say about things. He's a good listener. But he forgets that I am on disability for bipolar and I DO have an illness-- it's not made up.
Take care.

[mamaJenof5]

I know what you mean...I don't want to go on disability b/c I want to finish school and be a socialworker (in hopes I get stable enough to help anyone) I can't go to work now though I can't finish anything I start I'm so afraid I am going to let my family down by dropping out but I guess we'll see...this is what I do when I get manic ...sign up for things thinking I can conquer the world!