[gravyyy]

I can be totally honest here and that's the only reason I post this today. Definite trigger so please, please don't read on if you're vulnerable right now.
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I rarely start new threads, but obviously this is my 3rd new thread in the last couple days. Sorry for that. I can't tell anyone else this right now. To be honest, I am so fed up with this mental illness thing that my sui urges are really, really strong right now. They have come and gone for the past 2 weeks but this morning is really strong. I can't call T... already told me she'd make me go to the hospital and I understand that she's obligated as I would be if one of my patients told me what I would tell her. I get it. I don't tell my family these things because I don't want them knowing the dark side of the illness. I'm just not comfortable. In the back of my mind I know that it's part of the game and it should pass but even when I feel well I think about sui quite often. It's just that I'm so drained mentally and physically. It's hard to hang on when you feel that way, which I know most if not all of you understand. I am only going through the motions of life and not getting anything out of it... I feel nothing positive it seems. I don't really feel anger and those types of negative emotions but feeling nothing seems to be worse. I still go to work every day and coach high school softball but it's dull. I hate it and I'm totally over it. I am usually apathetic about life vs. death in that if I live, great, if I die, great. Today I don't want to live. That's not typical for me and it's very painful and very frustrating. I just wanted to post and get it out there so someone else knows. I'm off to work (should be interesting). I'm just going to keep going through the motions but it's hard to stay safe when you actually don't want to. I need a break!!!!! Thanks for reading if you made it this far!!!

Try to evaluate whether you are having suicidal thoughts or making suicidal plans. The thoughts alone shouldn't put you into the hospital, but if you are looking at plans, you really need to check yourself in for your own safety. Call your t. You need that support right now. Know we're here for you, but take care of yourself and stay safe.

[grizmom]

You don't have to be sorry for starting a new thread...that's what the group is for! I know how you feel and it's an awful feeling. Can I ask why you are against going to the hospital? I've been several times and it's nice to be somewhere that you don't have to put on a mask or go through the motions. It's a relief to be able to just be yourself. It also might be the break you are looking for. You're allowed to shut down and just rest, mentally and physically.

I do know that I felt that way for most of my teenage years but I was too afraid to tell anyone, and I was afraid to be in the hospital, since I'd never been in one. I can tell you that I wish now I hadn't been so afraid, because I could have been diagnosed and been started on treatment sooner. I know you are already diagnosed, but maybe you need a med change?

In the end, please do what you need to do to feel safe. If you absolutely refuse to go to the hospital, is there anything else you can do? Can you take a couple of days home from work and relax? A couple of times when I was thinking about not wanting to live, but I didn't intend on going through with it, I got a hotel room for a couple of days and went down and swam in the pool, sat in the hot tub, looked through magazines, got room service...I didn't have a lot of money, but I was able to scrape up enough for a "vacation". Take care of yourself, and let us know how you're doing. Here is a special hug for you:

[BNLsMOM]

You have been through so much in the las few weeks. No wonder you are hurting and feeling like life isn't worth it. I totally get that.

At the risk of sounding unsupportive, do you think the hospital might be the break you need right now? When I am depressed to the poing of sui thoughts/plans, I tend to not understand how low I reall am until I am feeling better. Last summer, it was the hospital stays that helped me get to that point. I realized recently that although I am not where I want to be mentally that I actually value my life now.

I understand that you feel apathetic either way usually, but to me that seems like a level of depression too.

Think of all you have gone through and how strong you are in making decisions for your life. Maybe a short stay in the hospital is another strong decision you need to make right now. I am not pushing. I would just really hate to see this pain continue.

Can you call your T and have a conversation about what you are going through with the promise that your T will help you make a decision for yourself rather than having her "make" you go? Can you ask her for extra support right now if you really don't think you need the hospital?

Please be safe. I understand it is hard to want to be safe, but do you think that could be a deep-down cry for help from your brain? You know that if you do something unsafe that you will end up at the hospital anyway, or worse.

I remember you were there for me last summer through all my irrational suicidal posts. I just hope I can give back some of that support.

I am worried about you.

[kadesgirl09]

hi gravyyy.. im new here and not very insightful, not really sure what to say except i know your worth it. you work with children and im sure they look up to you. please talk to your t. i have heard that bi-polar people are very self absorbed and ignorant to the rest of the world but i believe this site proves otherwise. ill be checking this post to see if your feeling better.

[perpetuallysad]

(((gravvvy)))

[gravyyy]

Thank you so much to all of you. I should clarify that have been in the hospital 2 times, both in 2008 pretty shortly after I was diagnosed. Both time were at the same place and it was really nice because it was a private psych hospital and there was no ER or anything else involved. I walked in and was admitted. The biggest thing for me is that I was in Philly then and away from my family. When I'm ill (mentally or physically) I want to be left totally alone. I felt like there I could go in and relax and decompress and regroup and restart and I never had to see my family. I would talk to them but never had to worry about having them visit. Here in Ohio, my whole family is right here. Even if I went to the private hospital up north it's still only about 90 minutes away so they'd still come visit. It's just a comfort thing for me. It would be worse to be in the hospital with my family around than to be, well, the alternative.

That all being said, I left after I posted this morning and just being able to get the feelings off my chest was helpful. I had a productive work day so that's always a plus. I was short-tempered with a coworker today but I went aside and clamed down and apologized, letting her know I had a lot going through my head and the snapping at her was not meant for her. It wasn't personal. She thanked me so I just needed to make sure there was no hostility. I don't want enemies!!! All in all I'm still here. I didn't call T, though I thought about it. I see her Friday and I don't like calling people. I see pdoc on Tuesday. I am in the midst of a lot of med changes but I was feeling better then all of a sudden wham!!! again!!! The only thing that worries me sometimes is that I already have a plan and the means. It's fool-proof. I haven't yet been willing to give the plan up to anyone. I fear someday it may be an impulsive decision and then it'll be too late. Not sure, but I can see that happening. For now though it's still one foot in front of the other and a day at a time and all that. Thanks again for your support!!!!

[BNLsMOM]

Keep checking in, OK?

Just a thought. If you were at the hospital, couldn't you refuse visitors? I remember people refusing visitors when I was there, although I felt like I needed that time to connect with the "outside."

I hope you feel better soon and just get through each minute as it comes. If you feel the impulse, just put it off for a few minutes and see if you can get through it. Walk away from the means and see if the urge passes. If not, then it's time to make a phone call.

[perpetuallysad]

BNLs is right. If you need to go, just refuse to see them. You could tell them before hand that this is something you need to do alone and a card from them would be ok, but you would prefer no face to face visits. If you told them your wishes before hand, maybe it would keep them from being hurt and help them accept what you want?

I am glad things went better today and I think its great you were able to see that when you snapped at a co-worker it wasn't anything to do with them. That's just awesome! You are doing healthy things, whether you realize it or not. Good going.

No one can come visit you without your permission generally. I'd just tell them what you told us. You need the alone time right now; it's no reflection of anything other than that. I completely understand that feeling. I was glad that my only visitor was my husband, and even he understood if I asked not to come some nights.

[grizmom]

I have the same problem with my family wanting to visit, since they only live about an hour away...I know they mean well, but generally I don't want visitors. I just tell them that I don't want them to visit because there is really no privacy to talk and that the nurses are always coming around with medications and to check on how I'm doing, plus it is always a long day with groups and all so I get really tired by the time visiting hours come around. That is all true, I just leave out the main reason that I don't want visitors: I'm there so I don't have to put on a mask for anyone and pretend I'm doing well. So it spares my family from feeling like I don't want them around and it spares me from having to deal with the outside world; a win-win I think. I do call my mom every day when I'm there because otherwise she would have a fit, but I keep it brief and vague: "Lunch was great today, groups went well, I hope to be home soon...oh, someone is waiting for the phone (the nurse wants to talk to me; the shower is finally free; we have group in a few minutes) so I'd better let you go."

I'm glad that you made it through the day and please let us know how things are going.