[grizmom]

I'm SO sorry this is long but I desperately need some advice today!

My ex is supposed to come over tomorrow at 11:00am so we can work on some papers for our divorce (we need to finish the financial papers and the marriage settlement agreement, so I can't file these until he signs them). I sent him a text to set this up 5 days ago. He said it would work fine (he is out of work and spends up to 16 hours a day online with some girl from another country that he's never met in real life, so it's not like he has anything else to do).

We separated in 2003 but we were still friends until this January; he met that girl last August and she basically started telling him how to live his life (he's almost 46 and she is 25 btw). She told him that she didn't want him to be friends with me since I was his ex (although she still lives with her husband). This was one of the main reasons we stopped being friends; he started cancelling plans with me or he would show up over an hour late. That's the really short version LOL.

One of the things that has always bothered me (and triggers my anxiety and depression) is that I always had to remind him of everything. And I mean EVERYTHING!! But I am more triggered when I DO remind him and he shows up late anyhow. So my question is...do I text him today to remind him that he is supposed to come over tomorrow, or just wait and see if he actually shows up on his own? I'm conflicted on this. I kind of want to remind him because I want to get this done asap, because we will get a hearing date for the divorce when we file this set of papers. But I am SO tired of having to be his reminder service. It makes me really f***ing mad to have to remind a grown man to keep his word and show up when he says he will. So if I do remind him today, I will be annoyed all day that I didn't stand my ground and stop acting like his mommy, and then worry all night that he will forget or show up late anyhow. If I don't remind him, I'll worry all day and night that he has forgotten it completely.

I am honestly stuck on this, please, please, PLEASE help me! Do I remind him or not? What is your opinion?

[BNLsMOM]

Maybe rather than remind him, you could confirm with him.

Just be business like and say, I am just confirming that we are still doing our papers tomorrow.

Hi grizmom! I'd say remind him. Yes, it's annoying that you have to, but he has "proven" himself on this issue. It won't be any different this time, so don't set yourself up by expecting it'll be any different this time. Even though both scenarios are triggering, it seems one will be over sooner, and that's a good thing. Like you said, you want to get this done asap. Soooo, the reminder is the quickest way to make this happen. Even if he is late, you can get it done. Then you won't have to play "mommie" anymore. Which I'd imagine is something you quite look forward to, yes?
Just keep reminding yourself: "free of this nonsense soon, free of this nonsense soon". Repeat as necessary. Best of luck and keep us posted. It's hard, but will be sooo worth it!

[la doctora]

I think confirming is a good idea!

[perpetuallysad]

Remind him for sure. If you don't the wait will upset you more than reminding him.

[grizmom]

Thanks everyone!! I liked the confirmation idea and thanks for the little reminder to tell myself as well! I sent him a text: I am confirming that you will be here tomorrow at 11 for papers please reply asap thanks. That's one of the other things...he "forgets" to reply to texts or to return phone calls, and he won't answer the phone during the day because that girl doesn't want him to talk on the phone when he "should" be online with her...but if he wants to let her control his life it's his decision I guess.

Thanks again...I'll let you know what happens!

[allme]

well i was going to say remind as well lol hope all goes well

[grizmom]

Well, it's been over 5 1/2 hours since I sent the text and still no response. How ****** ****** hard is it to text back yes I'll be there or no can't make it?????

If I don't get a text back soon I will have to call him and I HATE talking to him, especially when I'm this angry because I want to remain civil and just get this done. Seriously, it takes a LOT to make me this angry. I am SO SICK OF THIS!!!

[Dave255]

Is he far away? Can you just drive to his house hand him the papers to sign when he opens the door?

[grizmom]

Originally Posted by Dave255

Is he far away? Can you just drive to his house hand him the papers to sign when he opens the door?

He's about 20 minutes away by car, but I don't have a car, so I can't do that. I can't really afford a cab both ways either. I also need to get his information about his car and how much he owes and some other info to fill in on the papers before he signs them...I hope he brings that info; he's known for 2 months that he needs it.

I finally sent him another text after 7 hours and said: WTF? It's been 7 hours. I need to know.

He texted me back in a couple of minutes and said: yep i'll be there

Now was that so hard?

Anyhow, when he gets here tomorrow I'm going to get the papers done as soon as we can, and hopefully we can drive over to the courthouse to file them without me losing my temper LOL. After those papers are finished and filed, I won't have to see or talk to him ever again except at the final hearing...YAY!!!

Thank you everyone SO much. Like I said, I don't get angry like this very often and I really appreciate the advice and support. You are a great bunch of people, don't let anyone ever tell you different!!

[perpetuallysad]

I hope everything goes alright today. Let us know if you are ok.

[grizmom]

Originally Posted by perpetuallysad

I hope everything goes alright today. Let us know if you are ok.

Thanks. No, I'm not okay. I am even angrier now...I don't think I have ever in my life been this angry.

Well, here's what happened:

I woke up this morning and turned on my cell and there was a message from him "we need to talk. call me." So I called him and asked what's wrong. He says "I don't think I should come over. I don't think we should see each other at all." So I said "Chuck, you have to come over because you need to sign these papers so I can file them. I don't want to see you either, but we can't get the divorce done unless you sign these papers. This is ridiculous. You're almost 46 years old and we've known each other for 13 years, you're acting like you're 12 years old if you can't f*****g come here for 10 minutes to sign these papers so we can get the divorce done" He says "Oh, and I don't want you to text me anymore and ask how the cats are. They are my cats now. Plus you never ask how I am, you only care about the cats." I said "We're not friends anymore, plus if I asked you how you are, Joss would get mad that I was asking about you. I don't see why it's a big deal if I ask how the cats are doing." He said "Well, Joss doesn't want you to text me at all." I said "It's none of her business anyway". He said "It is because she is my girlfriend" I said "Fine, Odin was my cat before I even met you, but if you can't be a grown up and send me a text and let me know the cats are okay once in awhile then I'll stop asking. Whatever." He said "Can't you just mail me the papers and I can sign them and send them back?" I said "Seriously, that is SO stupid. You don't have a job and you're not physically disabled and you have a car. There is no reason you can't be an adult and come here for 10 minutes and sign these so it can get done." He said "Fine, I'll be there at 11."

So, at 11:25 he calls me and says "Well, I'm still coming but I had something to do first. I have started seeing a therapist ON SECOND LIFE (omg) and he says I should only see you if it's necessary. And I don't want you to put Joss down anymore." I said "Signing these papers IS necessary. If you would have just come over when you said you were going to and signed the papers, that conversation about Joss would never have even happened." He said "Well, you need to let us live our lives and you live yours." I said "That's what I've been doing, I haven't contacted you at all except to ask about the cats once in awhile. But I said I wouldn't do that anymore, so you don't have to worry about it." He said "Okay, well I'll be there in a little while."

He finally showed up at 12:10. He came in and signed the papers and left. When he got out the door I said "I have really tried to be civil about this, but after this bull***t today, I don't want you to contact me or come near me unless it's absolutely necessary for the divorce." And I slammed the door.

Stupid *******le. So my mom is going to come up here sometime and take me to get copies and file the papers. They don't have to be filed for a few weeks, I just wanted to get it done, and I'm so PO'd that he agreed to come and then pulled this stunt. My peer support specialist, Pam, had called me on Monday and asked if we could start our sessions today and I had said I couldn't because I was SUPPOSED to be doing this today. If I had known he wasn't going to take me to get copies and file them and everything, I could have had an appointment with her today.

And WTH? A therapist on Second Life? What? How stupid is he? No real therapist would be sitting around doing free therapy on an online computer game when they could be making money doing therapy in real life. OMG.

I wish I didn't have to wait another month to start seeing my new therapist, but he doesn't have any appointments before then.

/end rant (for now)

[BNLsMOM]

I am sorry it didn't go well. You have the papers signed now and you can file and get closure on this relationship.

I am sorry about your kitties.

I wish you could see your T sooner.

[kadesgirl09]

why does he get to keep the cats? thats not right at all!! I know you want him out of your life but does he HAVE to keep both of the cats???? That pisses me off greatly. I would gladly go retrieve them myself and bring them to you so you wouldnt have to face that low down miserable excuse for a human being... eek sorry... i just think you should have your kitties if nothing else

[grizmom]

Originally Posted by kadesgirl09

why does he get to keep the cats? thats not right at all!! I know you want him out of your life but does he HAVE to keep both of the cats???? That pisses me off greatly. I would gladly go retrieve them myself and bring them to you so you wouldnt have to face that low down miserable excuse for a human being... eek sorry... i just think you should have your kitties if nothing else

I can only have one cat here in my apartment building, so I have Grizabella. I would have taken Odin, but Odin and Freyja are "in love" and Freyja and Grizabella never got along, so it was better for them if I took Grizabella. Since we were still friends then, it wasn't a big deal because he would take me over to visit them. If I could have taken all 3 of them I would have. It's ridiculous that I can't text him every couple of weeks and ask how they're doing. Thanks though!!! And don't be sorry...if he acts like that, then he is what you said! All I can think is that if his mom knew how he was acting, she's kick his ***!!! I'd love to call her and tell her, but that would be stooping to his immature level, and I'm not doing that.

[Lisa Michelle]

grizmom, sounds like a bit of a nightmare but CONGRATULATIONS!!! it's done!!!

I think he sounds like a bit of a ...loser... I guess he's dealing with his own issues if he's glued to his computer and even having therapy via a computer a game. Sounds like he really needs to break away from his 'gf', sounds like a damaging relationship... but luckily not your problem now. he's shown his true colours, basically.

Congratulations on getting this out of the way. You handled it amazingly from the sounds of it.
x

Sorry it was a rough sled today, grizmom, but you've got the papers (hooray!) and are in the homestretch!

(Seriously, must say that I had to snort at this:
"He said "Well, you need to let us live our lives and you live yours." "
What part of "take 10 minutes to sign some papers so that this may in fact be able to happen" does he not get???!!! <boggles> ) One just has to shake their head and laugh.... )

I'm sorry you can't get in with the T-doc sooner, but hopefully, knowing this is all in hand and almost over must be such a relief, and I hope that knowledge (and knowing you persevered and got it done) will be some comfort in the meanwhile...

And remember, we're here too....

[grizmom]

Thanks again everyone! I feel better now...I took a short nap and got rid of most of the tension and I'm over being angry. Now I just feel kind of sorry for him. He definitely has big problems, and he doesn't realize it enough to get REAL help. At least I know what my problems are and I'm doing everything I can to get as well as I can. Even though I feel sorry for him, I still think he's a jerk LOL!!

Again, you all are wonderful

[perpetuallysad]

My god, I am so glad you will soon be rid of him. I cannot believe this is a grown man behaving this way. If I've read all of this correctly, this "girlfriend" doesn't even live in the same country, right? Has he even MET her in REAL LIFE? Oh woman, I am so glad you are rid of him!!!!

And now I see why you have the name "grizmom"! I always kinda wondered.

[grizmom]

Originally Posted by perpetuallysad

My god, I am so glad you will soon be rid of him. I cannot believe this is a grown man behaving this way. If I've read all of this correctly, this "girlfriend" doesn't even live in the same country, right? Has he even MET her in REAL LIFE? Oh woman, I am so glad you are rid of him!!!!

And now I see why you have the name "grizmom"! I always kinda wondered.

Right, this girl lives in England, we live in Wisconsin, USA. They have never met in person. My friend googled her and found her on a bunch of websites with a profile picture...she is a large girl with brown hair and blue eyes. (I'm large too, not judging, but one of the reasons he and I separated is because I used to be thin but when I gained weight he flat out said that he wouldn't sleep with me anymore because I got fat). Anyhow, she sent him a picture of a thin girl with long blonde hair and brown eyes and very cute saying that it is a picture of her. I compared the pictures and there is no way it is the same person unless she's lost a lot of weight, got contacts, dyed her hair, had a nose job, and got botox in her lips.

I picked the name grizmom because I was sick of the username I've been using on sites ever since I got online, and I my Grizabella! Here's a picture, her eyes are gold...

[perpetuallysad]

Aww, Tortoiseshell, soo pretty.

Sounds like you are very lucky to be rid of the dude.

[Perna]

I'd see if you could hire a lawyer or some other "official" person to call him, someone who he'd "respect"/be afraid of. Even a friend you have that he doesn't know who can make up a "reminder service" company he's part of that you have "subscribed" to. Set up some meetings with other people in a neutral area that he can't bug out of.

[grizmom]

Originally Posted by Perna

I'd see if you could hire a lawyer or some other "official" person to call him, someone who he'd "respect"/be afraid of. Even a friend you have that he doesn't know who can make up a "reminder service" company he's part of that you have "subscribed" to. Set up some meetings with other people in a neutral area that he can't bug out of.

I can't afford to hire anyone...that's why we are doing the pro se divorce (do - it - yourself) and actually we were able to be civil about it until this happened...as long as none of the info changes (like address or occupation) before the hearing, I shouldn't have to talk to him or see him again until the actual hearing. None of my friends would be able to call him without chewing him out LOL! My one friend was begging for his phone number so she could yell at him but I don't need him filing complaints against me or her. He just needs to start thinking for himself instead of having his fake girlfriend and fake therapist tell him what to do all the time.

We did DIY too, and I know what you mean about not creating problems if you can make it through in a civil-as-possible way. Less stress. Have they given you a date for the hearing? Thinking about you and you can bet that I'll be sending extra good thoughts your way on that day. I'm excited for you!

[grizmom]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

We did DIY too, and I know what you mean about not creating problems if you can make it through in a civil-as-possible way. Less stress. Have they given you a date for the hearing? Thinking about you and you can bet that I'll be sending extra good thoughts your way on that day. I'm excited for you!

Since he wouldn't take me to file the papers, I didn't get a hearing date yet. My mom will take me to file them sometime in the next couple of weeks when she is in town to visit; I'm glad that I didn't wait until the day the were due to get his signature! LOL...when the judge asks me at the hearing why I want a divorce, should I say "Your honor, he's a number 1 class A jerk, and everyone on PC agrees with me"?