[meApe]

When I look back yesterday I started to go down. This morning putting on my shoes is when I really started to feel it. I still getting used to meds, but I'm trying me best to get happy. The only time I'm laughing is when I messing with people. I screw up random print jobs just to frustrate people. I am in a dangerous position with the computers around me so I do things (not illegal or potentially damaging).

When I am by myself...it just seems....blah

The problems my wife and I have had in the last couple of months, I realize that she isn't in a position to try and deal with this. More healing and education are required before I can expect that kind of support from her.

I meet a new t in on Tuesday and I'm scared out of my wits. I've felt like this before and I let it sit. I try, but it just sits. Then I start the isolation. No one, absolutely no one. I can't push her away anymore. I might finally lose her this time. This is not the time to go down. Not NOW.

[NuckingFutz]

Took you about five minutes to tie your shoes this morning and they are slip on shoes...am I right? Sounds like you are taking steps to work on you and your marriage. Think it is normal to have some fear. If it helps any, the situation did not pop up over night and will take time to resolve. Maybe baby steps right now will help. Take some deep breaths, take it easy on yourself, use caution when handling computer print outs. Working with a therapist right now is good because it will help you get your needs met in areas you think your wife can't be supportive of right now. Keep posting...specifics help.

[meApe]

I now do IT work, but I used to work in a bowling pro shop. Once I dropped a bowling ball on foot and decided to get steel toe. So my brother (Staff Sargent) gave me a pair of steel toe combat boots. I hate to change things, but eventually I got used to them. After about three years of wearing them everyday they wore out. Seeing how I hate change I got a new pair and have had these about three years now. After six years of wearing combat boots I've gotten to the point I can put them on in one minutes for both boots. Yesterday It took about 15.

This last few weeks haven't been perfect, but they have been better than in a long time. I was actually starting to smile. No where near manic but definitely picked up. Monday and Tuesday I was starting fights with my wife. I've noticed that her reactions are always a direct result of my actions. 24 hours after fighting if I don't yell anymore she has forgotten that the fight even took place.

Now I'm going down, doesn't feel like a full depression yet (hopefully it won't get there), but I feel like I'm going to have to fake it for everyone until this is over. Working today is not easy, getting going is not easy. I just want to sleep. Climb under my computer desk with a pillow and a soft blanket and just sleep, why am I so tired.

[Typo]

(((((((((((Meape))))))))))))

[kadesgirl09]

((((meape)))) I understand wanting to climb under your desk and just sleep... the days go by so slow here at the office too when I am in a bad funk... heck they go slow here when im manic too (just cause I cant stand working) lol ... hope you start to feel better soon!

[TerminalxDarkness]

i understand too, but you just have to do your best and wait for the meds to kick in or to be regulated to what is best for you. the roller coaster that is bi polar is a nasty one and the turns and drops are rapid and random alot, just do your best to keep control of yourself until you have a healthy way to release it. (((meApe)))

hang in there, im pullin for ya

[grizmom]

I hope things get better for you soon...try to hang in there!

[meApe]

I was feeling a little weird. My wife called me at work because she wanted to hear my voice. I was feeling pretty good. I came home, not smiling, but not feeling like I have been. Then I get home, and started to feel trapped. I just saw the windows closed and the curtains draw the lights were off, but my wife was in a good mood playing on the computer. She asked me to kiss her and hold her. I was feeling trapped and didn't want to be held. I started yelling, about not having enough space. That is the exact opposite of what I really want. I want to be close to her. I want to hold her just not then. I went in the other room, and she started crying,
"I didn't do anything!"
"I know!"
"Then why are you upset?"
"I don't know."
"What?"
"You didn't do anything and I'm yelling and I can't understand it."

Today was just one example. After a couple of hours she forgave me. She didn't need to. There is not enough remorse in the world or the next to clear my sins. I'm so sorry, and I couldn't stop. I was yelling and it wasn't me. That is not how I am. Now sadder then before. God please help me maintain.

[Eloise42]

Something that helps me a lot is thinking about the difference between responding and reacting. I am terrified of the effect my mania can have on other people. When I was first diagnosed I would literally just walk away from a situation that looked like it could turn into a trigger.

Now I can just stop for a split second, look at what's happening outside of me, look at what's happening inside me and decide whether I need to be by myself or not. It initially difficult getting the people around me to respect my weird boundary of hitting the pause button while I figured out how to deal. But saying "hang on, give me a minute" is a lot better than some of the other stuff that could potentially come out of my mouth.

I operate on a traffic light system. Red light=stop, yellow light=think/take inventory, green=now it's okay to proceed. At first I could only see the red light in retrospect but now I can usually see it in time to stop.

[meApe]

Y did i get up this morning? I don't want to talk to anyone, and no one wants to talk to me. When my wife gets off work she wants to have a nice dinner and go for walk if the weather holds. That sounds like it too much work. I don't wanna make dinner, I don't want to eat, I don't want walk. I want to climb into the closet and cover myself with every blanket I own and stay there for a couple of days.

[grizmom]

Have you talked to your T or pdoc? It sounds like things are getting really bad and it's possible that you need a med adjustment and/or a short stay in the hospital. Just my opinion. I hope you will talk to someone before this gets worse!

[meApe]

Its okay my wife knocked some sense into me.

[sugahorse1]

MeApe - glad you feel better. I know what it feels like to be down and there really is nothing worse. some days you wish the pain was physical and you didn't have to go through the mental anguish of it all