Not doing well at all

I hate the way these thoughts come...after 2 days in bed...and nonstop crying, I feel the creeping of "oh why don't you just end your misery" thoughts. Not serious ones...but why does BP make it so alluring? Like a light at the end of the tunnel. I won't do anything...I just...day 3 of no food and I wish my heart would just give out...it's broken already. Not from boyfriend. From everything in my life. One trauma after another. I'm not feeling sorry for myself...I'm just tired of it. Mom always points out people who have lost kids, their homes, etc. That's all horrible. I wouldn't be able to deal. And I don't feel ashamed saying it. I wish I had someone, anyone, to hold me right now.

Tears are running down my cheeks as I type this...I couldn't even make it through the grocery store without crying. I just hate this. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

It's so hard for me to even write this. I just...I guess I'm pretty alone besides you guys. Thanks for being there for me.

PufNStuf Gosh do I know how you are feeling right now. I have been in the same boat this past week.
It SUCKS and there is nothing I can do to take it away. I did the no eating thing, because I wasn't hungry, but it made my eyes get all fuzzy and I kept feeling like I was going to pass out. Not good. You are right, BP does make it alluring....for now. It won't stay that way forever.
I believe you know already that this feeling is going to go away. It always does for me and that is what keeps me going. Thinking that one day the feelings will go away for a little bit.
Let the tears flow if they need to.
Always here for ya! Just some more to hold you over for now.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time right now! Have you had any recent med changes? Just wondering if maybe you have just started a new med and it hasn't had time to "kick in" yet. I hope you will speak to your pdoc if this persists or get worse. I usually give myself 5 or 6 days to see if the episode passes; if not I get in for an emergency appt. with my pdoc because it may indicate that I need a med adjustment. Sometimes just a small adjustment makes a big difference! Hang in there!!

I agree with GrizMom. Good advice. I've been going through the same thing for 2 weeks--downward slide. Finally decided I can't handle it anymore. Making an appointment to see my pdoc much earlier than the one already scheduled later this month. I hope he can squeeze me in.

I hope you and your doc can find something to give you relief. We'll all be here for you.

I have been there. At times I can't stand hearing people telling me it will all get better because I feel they don't understand where I am coming from with this affliction. But it always seems to get better. I believe that is because as long as we are still alive, there is always something worth living for everyday. When I learned this basic pillar of truth, my life became much brighter. Hang in there.

How are you doing today PufNStuf??

Thank you, thank you for your kind words, guys...it really helped. I mean, really. I feel a lot better today...I haven't had any med changes...it was a huge stressful trigger I think that did it (actually, I'm sure of it. BF took the wrong nighttime meds and OD'ed accidentally on AMBIEN (of all things...god). I had to stay up all night and :::gag::: keep the vomit out of his mouth. It was awful. Traumatizing. I thought he was going to die. He would have totally gone off the deep end if I'd called 9-1-1....unless he wasn't breathing (I'm still certified EMT). It's a lot different when it's someone you love you're working on.

Thank you so much, you guys. I'm just worried that now I'll have a seizure...usually 2-3 days after I feel better, if it was very stressful with a lot of crying, I'll have a seizure when I least expect it. =P Thanks so much for just being there. It helped immensely just to read your kind words. I can only really open up about the BPD to my Mom and bless her heart...it wears her out.

Hey there Puf! Are you feeling any better today?
When you get down, you need to just look forward to the goals in your life. Do things for yourself and look after yourself. If you enjoy massages, go for one. Take your dogs for a walk - they are super at therapy!
Keep your mind occupied with different things, like crosswords or watch happy movies. I also just want to climb under the covers when I feel like this, but becoming all introverted makes it that much harder to climb out of the hole. Don't allow yourself the opportunity to think about your feelings - just keep busy.
I hope we eventually get used to these depressive episodes, as it is something I also really battle with. And it doesn't matter how much I know that it will pass, at the time it's hard to deal with.
Try get involved in a hobby which you can really get stuck into. Take the focus off yourself - maybe volunteer at a hospice or similar. I get a lot of satisfaction out of being able to help someone else

Hi Puf - thanks for the feedback. Glad you're feeling better.
Do you have a support system in place for your seizures? What happens if you are home alone? Is there nothing your pdoc can give you to help with the seizures?
Hang in there!

Suga,

I'm okay if I'm alone...I usually always have them alone. The Lamictal for my bipolar is also my seizure medicine (I am lucky in that). It controls them for the most part, but after a bad bout of depression/crying...somehow that triggers them.

Luckily, they are simple or complex partial seizures...I feel a rush of heat unlike a hot flash (lol) and feel my knees start to give out. I've always managed to sit down. When I used to work, and had them in front of people, they would say I'd just say 'I don't feel well" and then I can't remember what else.

Last time was (luckily) on the carpet in the dining room. I "woke up"...and I feel like drunk afterward...that's the only way I can describe it....I couldn't figure out why I was looking at the chandelier feeling drunk in the middle of the day. It took me some time to put together that I'd had a seizure. That's the only bad part...you're very confused afterward. I just sleep it off. Luckily, they aren't grand mals (my great aunt has those...and she's also on Lamictal....it seems to run in the family...I also have a brain lesion that they call a UBO - Unidentified Brain Object. I looked at the neuro-radiologist like he was making a joke...but apparently they actually call it that).

I haven't had an MRI in years because I guess I'm scared to see what my little lesion is up to (I call it "Freddy"...hah!! I have to have humor about it). It's in the middle of my left frontal lobe...so no surgery...it's right on the personality area. I would rather live like "myself" than as a shell. When they first discovered it (about 3 years ago), I was just beside myself....I told my Dad I wouldn't have surgery because then I wouldn't be "me". He said I wouldn't know the difference. Hah!!! Not funny, but it is at the same time.

I won't drive for a couple of days right now...just in case. I'll take a bit more Lamictal to make sure they're under control. It's nice to know the pattern though.

Thanks, Suga. I <3 you!

Glad you still have such a great sense of humour!
I've been going through major hot flushes - not sure what those are. And today I feel like my head's in a goldfish bowl. I'm just not really all here, and my head feels slightly swollen (Hard to explain!)

I just wanted to thank you guys so much for telling your stories on here, I am trying to learn alot about bipolar for people i love and hearing about it gives me greater understanding. Love all you guys, big big hugs!

have you eaten yet pufnstuf? thats very important to your health... I know you know but it can jack with your emotions to it seems. (((pufnstuf)))

kadesgirl, yes I have....I made it 3 days without food..and then I started feeling better. Been eating with abandon (which makes me feel guilty with an E/D...and I hate this about me, but I don't care what it does to my body when I feel like that...I just...want to curl up and ignore the world). Thanks for asking =)

Go get a McD's Big Mac!! Lol! Ummmm, I love those