[PufNStuf]

Okay, so basically I'm in the "perfect" situation in my life, except it's not. (Please don't hate me....I'm humble and work very hard to give back the good karma that has surrounded me lately...i never thought I'd get a "break" in my life. Literally, I was down on my knees begging God for a change in my life (when I had suicidal thoughts frequently. I haven't had any since "obedience school" (what I call my little partial inpatient program I went through...humor always helps!)

I don't have to work (although I never stop 'working' around the house...BF is too paranoid for a housekeeper) and I still can't seem to get myself together. After being married for 4 years and then a divorce, I left the town where I went to college....after working on my degree for 7 years (worked full time, so the going was slow). I just couldn't mentally take living there anymore, so I left. I didn't care that I had struggled forever for my degree..I just couldn't take it anymore.

I've got 5 classes with an "incomplete" grade to finish my degree and I just can't seem to do it....but I really need to. I don't know how long my relationship will last (it's been 9 months) and I'm terrified that if it ends and I need to work again, I'll never finish it. I don't know what my problem is....I would have given anything a year ago to have the time to finish it...but I've been struggling with motivation for a long time. Any tips/advice/personal experiences welcome.

[Fresia]

I completely understand about taking incompletes but still not being in a frame of mind to finish them. What is the timeline you have to get them done? I know for some schools, it is by the end of the next semester and others is not until you enroll the next time but there are problems with this if professors leave, etc. which creates other issues. I tried breaking down everything into smaller task, REALLY small tasks, and focused on just one task at a time. I also talked to the professors about my situation and what could do to streamline what was left over so it wasn't so monumental. Many were understanding and either did streamline it by giving one final assignment to complete (which was more manageable) and/or by granting more time than the allotted official university time (which is also at their discretion). I'd encourage you to talk to them and whatever is decided on, break into much smaller steps.

The worse case I had was that I could not finish under any circumstances. I got documentation from the Pdoc of the circumstances and the semester was voided. Being so close to the end, this would be painful and to start over frustrating to say the least.

You've come this far. You've gotten through all the other classes. One small step at a time and I bet you can do it, really! I wish you all the best.

[shaggy dog]

Hi PufNStuf, it sounds like time may or may not be a problem. You mention you don't know how long your relationship will last, maybe it will continue to last and you will have the time necessary. It sounds like you are having regret of things past and uncertainty of things ahead and that must be a hard path to be on. Since you cannot have that year back, I think it would be better not to expend much energy with regrets. Nor would I spend much energy on trying to fortune tell the future. I agree with Fresia that you should break it down into small steps but it does sound as though you do need to take that first step. Good luck and I have faith you can do it. shaggy

[PufNStuf]

Thank you guys for responding! =)

I guess I failed to mention that some of the incompletes are 4 years old! =P

Pretty much, I've got countless documents and the head of Student Mental Health that saw me for 7 years ready to help me appeal anything. What I'm trying to avoid is having to re-take classes, although that really may be my best option....unfortuantely, with the incompletes, it took my GPA down. I'm not sure I'd be accepted into the state university that is near me....I'm pretty sure I could petition to have those classes dropped, but I already put so much work into them...but I guess that's not helping me much now. I did do something positive and contact a local history professor to ask if he knew anyone (grad student/TA) that would do tutoring...hopefully that may help just set me back on the right path...I did most of my writing in a manic phase....funny enough, I couldn't complete papers in depressive stages...and therefor finished less and less class material.

I am lucky in that the professors knew me well before I went over my "cliff" and I thank God I worked so hard before then. Obviously they could see a change in me/my work over the years....I went to a HUGE, hard-to-get-in school and it really "made my day" that my professors noticed and encouraged me through my department.

Anyway, I'm not worried about the school/professors letting me finish....I'll find a way around that (or maybe that's just a grandiose notion talking...somehow I've managed to get around all of that stuff and deadlines - to wait until I was manic to research/write).

I didn't even suspect BPD...even though I knew I could only write my academic reviews/term papers in certain moods. Now I know...but I can't encourage mania to help me with school....

Another option would be for me to complete maybe 3 of the classes at my undergrad instituion and then maybe 2 of the ones I'm really struggling with here. Some of the classes just need one paper to finish...others are a lot more.

I am going to find a tutor or someone in that capacity to just sit down with me...let me talk it through...help me with breaking it down...I get so overwhelemd when I write down everything I need to do for each class.

Fresia, thank you for your kind words! I've kept in touch with the profs. year after year...and I just feel SO horrible that I haven't completed them that I can't bear to contact them again unless it is to submit everything and apologize.

Shaggy, thank you, too, for your kind words! I do have regrets about past impulsive decisions/actions...sometimes they've really hurt me, and sometimes the decisions have been great for me. I know you know the feeling (or at least, I think I'm not alone in this).

I think I feel worried about the relationship because I haven't saved any money...the allowance (or whatever..) I get is twice as much as I made working....but the thing I enjoy most is making my family/friends happy (if they had it, they would do the same!), so I've pretty much spent it all on that and paying off the remainder of my school debt.

Anyway, I'm trying to make myself save at least half of it every month so I don't feel so anxious about that. I could also get back into modeling and make money that way, but that sends my ED into high gear....and stresses me out.

I'm going to try my goal-setting habits again (i went to a really great two-week program that gave me all sorts of plans to help myself, but I've gotten lazy. Joining this forum has been extremely helpful for me because I need to actively engage in managing my BP...if I'm not paying attention to it, I tend to forget it's impact on my life....when I am conscientious about it, it impacts me a lot less.

Sorry for the rambling, but I'm really happy I found such a wonderful place. Thanks for listening/responding. I'll write soon and report on my progress.

As silly as it sounds, it would be nice to be "accountable" to a group, rather than struggle with it myself.

[grizmom]

I can't really give advice on this one because I didn't go to college, but here are some hugs for you!! I hope you are able to figure out a way to finish!

[sugahorse1]

May I suggest that if you are going to complete your studies, now is the most time you will ever have on your hands.
I would also take a part-time job, which is much less stressful, but will make you a lot less dependent and will also allow you to see you relationship rationally.

Motivation is hard to find at the best of times. I'd recommend allowing yourself time to rest and get better when you feel really down. When you feel on top of the world, push yourself to be ultra productive and get the most out of yourself.
That's what I've found has been the only way I could get through - accept the cycles and adapt your life around them. And at all times keep up your meds and therapy, and talk through any possible med changes with your pdoc, especially if you are stuck in a hole.

Hang in there!

[Dave255]

Getting into patterns makes working less hard. I always do dishes right after eating dinner. Before when I would do them whenever, it would take a lot more effort to do.

Its good that you like to make your family and friends happy. They would want to make you happy as well. If they knew that you were getting lots of anxiety because you don't have anything saved they would rather you spent a little less on them and kept some to make yourself feel better.

[sugahorse1]

Not sure, but judging by my own experiences, I'm sure being a "people pleaser" could often be as a result of BP. I do the same all the time, and end up achieving the opposite by making people claustrophobic.

I hope you managed to get some stuff done since the last post

[PufNStuf]

Okay! I found a Grad student from the University here that specializes in the area I'm struggling with. He won't be back until August, but thank goodness that professor I emailed found someone for me! That was awesome. I should send a thank you.

So. I also scheduled 2 photo shoots....I haven't done any shoots since last year, as I've gained about 10 lbs. and don't want my portfolio to be false advertising...so the ED is creeping back up, but I just want to be motivated. My weight dropped from this episode of "low", and at least it's something to do...it's fun to get all glammed up by a makeup artist.

The first shoot will be for a wedding dress company....I hope I don't cry ridiculously...my first marriage was rough. How am I going to depict such a happy day in someone's life? Hah.

Oh well. At least I'm moving forward in some areas! =)

Oh! I emailed a couple of local models in the area...and basically said "I need friends!" (In a fun, nice way...lol). One was very responsive and we have a coffee date set up! They actually usually aren't shallow - they're just like the rest of us.

I wish I could hide in a potato sack when I go in public...people look at me as if I'm an alien. It really makes me uncomfortable because I'm already socially anxious....and I know they're looking because of how I look, but it really unnerves me. I'm happy to live in the country and not have to deal with people a lot. I've never liked attention...and it's like these people have never seen a model. It also makes me a target....one guy tried to run me off the road. I need to get a concealed permit so I can take along some heat to shoots, just in case. I guess I shouldn't gripe about it, but it makes me feel really weird. Girls don't like me (Does anyone listen to Ani Difranco? I did as a teen, but I don't now for triggering reasons, but in one song she says, "Everyone harbors a secret hatred for the prettiest girl in the room), and guys just want to um......It doesn't help that I'm a quick-thinker. =P

I know I shouldn't complain about good looks...god...listen to me. I just want to be normal, though.

(PS - I spend a lot of my free time researching old crime cases that Law Enforcement doesn't have time to...it's really fulfilling and allows me to help when I can, and behind my 'puter...but that work has made me ultra-aware of the dangers of the world...I will NOT be one of those girls to go missing. I will not.)

[sugahorse1]

Puf - just make sure that whatever decision you make are made when you are NOT going through an episode, and that all are clearly thought through. Find yourself one or 2 friends that are genuine.
Be careful though, as I tend to be emotionally draining on my friends and need to be VERY conscious of it. Do things that make YOU happy.

Hey, it sounds super interesting what you do with researching crimes - gosh, wish I had that opportunity!

[Eloise42]

Loved Ani as a teenager. I would say buzz your head or dye your hair blue but I can say from experience that it gets you just as many stares. Best chance of not drawing too much attention is keeping your hair in your face. At least you listened to Ani and have the right perspective on being good looking.

School: TAKE ONE THING AT A TIME. Get a team in place, academic support staff, disabilities coordinator, school counselor, kick-*** assistant dean of students type of person who know your situation and are ready to go to bat for you. Their salaries are built into your tuition. They are there for people with needs like yours. My one college regret was not utilizing their services sooner because they saved my *** more times than I can tell you.

The finish line is in sight so just break everything down into manageable pieces and get as much help as you can (and are PAYING for it). The only thing you should stress about is your stress level, that's the big one you gotta watch out for.