[StarryNight]

I had said before that I'm on Seroquel XR and it was working well. Well, that was for about 2 weeks. I'm in such a mood today that I'm really getting discouraged about chemistry's ability to "fix" me.

I just feel so angry and irritable, and I'm even having morbid thoughts about hurting a few people (I would never do that of course; I've never been homicidal, but more likely to hurt myself). I just can't stop feeling like I hate the world and everyone in it. It's like I have 2 sides to myself. One side is the rational pacifist who would never hurt a fly, and then there's those angry, hateful thoughts just swirling around in my head.

I wonder sometimes if I'm a good person or not. I know I have good values- I don't lie, steal, cheat, or hurt anyone, and I'm against violence. But, my thoughts are psychopathic. Why can't I get rid of these horrible feelings of anger? Is this a mixed state? I would define myself as depressed, but I don't feel like crying. Instead, I feel like screaming and throwing things, but I've learned to control my actions behind a sense of decorum. So, people may know I'm crabby, but I don't think they can fathom just how angry I feel.

The main reason, I think, is because I hate my job, but I'm trapped there 'til I die. It's the best-paying job I've had, with the best benefits, but there are no openings for mobility or transfer (and who would want to hire me with these mood swings, anyway?) And, quitting is not an option, because now I have a house to pay for and cannot live on $8/hr anymore, which is what most jobs around here pay. I can't go back to college because I don't have the money. So, I feel like I'm stuck, and I have nothing to look forward to. I'm not living- I'm enduring misery for the next 26 years and I have no choice. It all seems to boil down to that. I'm so angry because I have no choices in life- I'm just pushed and pulled in whatever direction I'm "supposed" to go. It seems hopeless.

Well, I see the doc in a week and a half, and maybe she can adjust my meds. I can't believe I felt so good and stable for 2 weeks, just to end up right back feeling depressed and hateful again. I wonder, though, if meds can really fix this, when I'm stuck in a position that is precipitating and magnifying these feelings. I really have no goals or hope for the future. I've tried seeing a therapist and talking about this, but it was useless. Any suggestions?

Can relate to whole big bunches of this. And yes, you ARE a good person. (And if I may throw this in here, because it's related and I can't help myself...it really bugs the hell out of me when people are talking about someone who's got bipolar and all the trouble they've had with their lying and stealing and stuff. Maybe they do, but it's not diagnostic, not a given, NOT part and parcel of bipolar!!! ARGH!!! I don't. You don't. Lots and lots of other people don't. There's something else going on there, and I just HATE HATE HATE people lumping those things in. and making assumptions.) Ok, end rant.

I don't know what to tell you about the anger, I have it too, though it seems much less when meds are working. One thing to keep in mind is that one day does not meds-fail make. We'll still likely have ups and downs, but they tend to be mellowed out with working meds -- less intense or less long lasting or less frequent, and if we're really lucky, all three!

Can sooo relate to the stuck/hopeless/no goals thing. In the not-too-distant past, I had that in a bad way. Threw a major chunk of caution to the wind while my meds were working well, and shook that up. Big time. Still feel that way in certain regards, but it's not so overarching and oppressive. But maybe just changing up something small can help, or doing something new. Not necessarily work. It could be a hobby, or volunteering with a local theatre (you can usually see the show for free which is a nice treat for yourself!) or even just saying, "no" to an obligation that has become a burden -- something that might contribute to your feeling of being pushed and pulled(?) (Is it just me, or do others tend to take on way too many of these things when we're feeling trapped by what we're "supposed" to do in an effort to "be nice"?)

How long did you do the T-doc thing? I only had the opportunity to do it for about 6 months, so others will have much more useful things to say about it. I've been bouncing around in some bad mood zones lately, so totally empathize and hope things get back on track for you really really soon. Keep us posted, ok StarryNight?

[Moreta]

When I was in the hospital, the psych there brought up the fact, that I can't rely on the medications to fix everything. I needed to also learn how to cope with what life was throwing as me as well.

You can't give up on yourself, when you have one bad day. You have tomorrow to have a better one.

Is there anyway you can take some time off work? Sometimes we just need to get away. Also, think of your job as a game, and your prize is your paycheck. Take some head phones in and just work on your work. Get it done and go home. Can you go walking at lunch? Just getting away from everyone for a while can help.

Also, I got manic when I was taking Seroquel XR, but when I switch to regular Seroquel that went away. Maybe something to ask your doctor about.

Good luck

[canineserenity]

Starry,
It's the illness that's talking. You aren't trapped for 26 years. You don't have the money to go back to school today. You can't quit your job today. It doesn't mean you won't have more choices next month or next year.
I hate the periods that I go through like this where the hole seems so deep that there will never be anything that can change. The truth is that things seldom stay the same. Maybe you can get a student loan, maybe you can try for a grad assistant if you have your undergraduate degree, maybe you need to wait a bit for things to stabilize but there will probably be a chance for change.
I hope you feel better soon. Take care of yourself, try doing some nice things for yourself, and I hope that you see some light soon.

[Ascension]

I just wanted to say almost everyone has the quick and fleeting feelings and thoughts of violence at some point in their life and that you aren't alone in that. I used to be so disturbed by the frightening things that would run through my mind. It isn't the thoughts that make you who you are but the way you feel and respond to them. Don't be too hard on yourself or think too much about those flashes of scary thoughts. I find I have them when i am hypo-manic or manic and mixed. I like you would NEVER hurt anyone and some of the thoughts I have had as brief as they lasted scared me a lot. I also can't help but to wonder if some of these things are just subconscious responses to what we see in movies and on TV. I hope you are feeling a bit better.

[BlackPup]

you are not bad, you are human, we all do things or think things that are wrong - you don't have to be perfect, when your moods are playing up things can get even worse, so give yourself a break...
hope the drugs get sorted, my head always gets a bit messed up when i go on a new med, its like my brain and the med are fighting it out to see who will win!
There are a lot of good suggestions here but remember you don't have to solve your whole life's worth of problems today. Leave the big decisions till you are feeling better and maybe they wont be so bad then.
PS a job and a house are good things - not bad - even if they are a bit constrictive at the moment....

[StarryNight]

Thank you all for your replies. They really helped me to feel that I'm not evil, but that this anger is normal for the condition. I mean, I really do at times think some awful, violent, morbid things, fantasizing about they way I would want to hurt people, and then I tell myself that it's stupid, I would never do that because it's wrong, I would end up in prison and throw away everything good in my life, and I would never forgive myself. So, I know I would never act on my thoughts; I'm just not sure if they're a release of my anger, or if they're making my feelings worse, and I wish I knew how to stop them. I think I need a method of thought control, because instead of being able to push the thoughts away, I seem to stew in them.

Innerzone: I loved your reply, and thank you for bringing that up. It's even Hollywood! Last night I watched "Shutter Island", in which the main character's wife had been "bipolar", and she killed their 3 children! I mean, come on! They're just playing into the stigma of the mentally ill, and making the mass of uneducated movie-watching people think that bipolars are that dangerous and twisted. And yes, I've heard that before, about bipolars lying and stealing, as though all of us are like that. That's part of what bothers me about accepting this diagnosis, the ignorance of people and being ostracized and misunderstood. I work in a job that requires a lot of trust in me (I had no problem with the background check-I've never been in trouble), but now that people know I'm bipolar I feel like they'll be suspicious of me and think I'm a risk, and not want me there.

QueenAccountant: No, I can't get time off work, because a few months ago I was out for 3 months with a back problem, and used up all my time. And, I only get a half hour for lunch, so I can't really go anywhere. I just eat at my desk, then go outside for a few minutes to smoke.
I was on the regular Seroquel at first, and I think you're right, it was working alot better than the XR, and I actually felt happy during the day. The main problem was my heart racing about an hour after I took it, which is why they switched me to the XR. I'm on 200 mg. Maybe I just need the dosage upped?

CanineSerenity: I try to be positive and think that things will change eventually, but when nothing has changed for 4 years, it's hard to belive they ever will.

Ascension: Thanks for helping me feel that I'm not alone. I did feel better yesterday, and only felt angry for an hour or two. The problem is, when I'm in that all-day agry/hatred feeling, the thoughts aren't "fleeting," but rather persist all day.

BlackPup: I know logically that a job and a house are good things, and when I'm feeling good my #1 priority is making sure I keep both. But, when I'm feeling bad, there are times when I just don't care anymore and want to give up. I just want to sell everything I own and go back to living in an efficiency apartment. Then, I could live on a low-paying job, and it wouldn't matter if I didn't like it, I could always get a different one. I know logically that I would regret it and hate myself for losing the house, but I can't help the way I feel, that I want to just throw it all away. Material things seem like a burden that are keeping me trapped. I just want life to be simpler, but I know it would come at the expense of losing everything I've worked so hard for.

Once again, thank you all for your responses, to help me sort out some of this madness jumping around in my brain. I will definitely tell my doctor about it, and maybe an adjustment to meds will help.

[canineserenity]

I hope the an adjustment will help. I understand about anger and wanting to just walk away from everything. I also understand about feeling trapped. I don't really think I would be happier if I threw it away but sometimes I just feel trapped by the rigidness of everything.
I discovered some truths for me. I was also off work for two years. I learned that when my life really was simpler, it was easier for me to slide into my depression. The very structure and rigidity that I think I hate also keeps me functioning. It makes me get up, put one foot in front of the other, and be productive. I don't make good use of the free time I have.
Good luck and I hope you find a happy place again soon.

[greylove]

Just yesterday my own husband made what he called afterwards a "dumb joke." I asked him how he was feeling about my relatively newly diagnosed Bipolar 1 and his reply? "Well, at least you haven't murdered your family yet." I was so stunned all I could manage was "I would never do that!" When I asked him after a few minutes where on earth did that come from, he brought up the news about the local guy who murdered everyone in his family, including the mother-in-law......just a few days ago. The authorities thought he may have "mental" problems. This from my own husband of 42 years......

I guess my point is that if we're not thinking about the violence that may or may not be fleeting in our thoughts......someone else most likely is.

I am so sorry......this is a terrible post that doesn't really seem to belong here, but came to my mind as I read StarryNite's response to Innerzone.....(I wish I knew how to quote parts, or cut and paste) about Hollywood, the movie 'Shutter island" and the stigma attached to having bipolar......my husband's "dumb joke" is doing nothing to help me move out of the depression I'm settling back into.

Originally Posted by greylove

I am so sorry......this is a terrible post that doesn't really seem to belong here, but came to my mind as I read StarryNite's response to Innerzone.....(I wish I knew how to quote parts, or cut and paste) about Hollywood, the movie 'Shutter island" and the stigma attached to having bipolar......my husband's "dumb joke" is doing nothing to help me move out of the depression I'm settling back into.

Dunno. Doesn't bother me! You know, sometimes there's just something random and unrelated that makes things seem "off topic", then there are those that flow from the give and take of the conversation. Yours seems the latter to me.

My ex made "jokes" like that, greylove. Soooo not funny. Hear you and feel for you. (25 year history, and he only said he "couldn't deal with the mood swings anymore" upon it having a name. )

It's like you talk about the frustration of the ignorance, StarryNight. It's hard, but more understandable to have to deal with that with the general public. But like what greylove brings up, we kind of expect that those who know us would be more understanding. They've seen our suffering! It's not just some abstract concept(!)

Originally Posted by canineserenity

The very structure and rigidity that I think I hate also keeps me functioning. It makes me get up, put one foot in front of the other, and be productive. I don't make good use of the free time I have.

Yup. Here too. Especially the getting up in the morning part.

StarryNight, you said in your response to canine serenity that it's hard to believe that change can ever happen. Soooo can relate. BUT! I recently *did* have huge (and positive) changes. They really can happen. But I'd never have believed it in a million years just a few months ago that it could either. In fact, even hearing myself saying this makes me want to roll my eyes and swat myself. CANNOT believe I'm saying it you know? When just a few months ago I'd want to slap a person spouting such pollyanna-ish crap. Turns out it's not crap.
Wishing the same revelation for you.