[Trippin2.0]

I felt it coming, it creeped on me quite slowly, yesterday I became irritable with my precious daughter (had 2 keep my actions and responses in check,remind myself it's NOT her it's me), I'm the sociable type,but found myself cringing at the thought of company! So I saw this coming, I even thought I'd be prepared this time, got up really early 2 have breakfast, took my prescribed dosage of Lorien, thinking, it won't be s0 bad,I Have meds now, maybe if I'm lucky, I can sleep through it. WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! By noon I just wanted it all to end! Felt s0 lonely,s0 angry,s0 hopeless... Stayed in bed crying for hours,my anger and frustration was escalating, I sent h8ful sms's to my bf (I KNOW,I KNOW, BUT I NEEDED 2 LASHOUT) I knew that if I stayed in my room any longer I would SI, or worse... So I did a very responsible thing and forced myself out of bed, am at a friend's place right now, tried to explain, but you guys know how THAT goes, so, now I'm here but not really here,smiling but inexplicably sad... What's the point of it all? What's the point of medicating if I'm still gona be THIS? I never wanted anything as much as want to be normal right now, and I CAN'T HAVE IT! I Feel doomed,cursed to be isolated in my emotional abyss. Do any of you perhaps know what the point is? Please don't respond with things like "your daughter" and "quality of life" coz to be honest, right now, I don't give a rats ***. (thats the bp,not the mum sayn that) but it's true NOW,and here's the only place I can say that... I need to know that there's a point to meds, there's a point to fight,there's a point to LIFE... Is there?

I won't say any of those things, because I soooo have felt that way towards such statements at such a moment. Meds don't necessarily eliminate the swings, but make them less often than they would be, you know? (and by extension that there is more time that you *won't* feel the way you do now. The logical side of your brain *will* win. The BP side's just being a bully to it right now.) And I know you know that and hope that doesn't make you angry, though I understand if it does... how the logical side takes a good stompin' down from the BP controlled thoughts, and how damn convincing they can seem while it's happening. Been there. But know also that those of us who have been there are here for you and pulling for you and care about you, Trippin. Very much.

(Hope to not be an annoying pest , but there's something else I'm compelled to add.) I'm never up this early. No place to have to go. It's just weird and completely out of character to be up so early. To make it weirder yet, went straight to the computer and straight to this forum and straight to your post. Usual order of things? Coffee and a smoke, wander over and turn on computer and go to email. Sometimes forum next, sometimes not. Usually start with the new posts from the bottom, not the top.
And what's the point of all this information? That sometimes one finds oneself strangely compelled to do something out of the ordinary way. There's usually a reason for this, though we have no idea beforehand why we're doing this thing. It always wigs me out a bit as some kind of intervention from something beyond ourselves, you know? And I'm not a person of faith. But these sorts of things are like little zaps of insight that we don't know everything and we don't know why, and it's alright.

Oh yeah. So this is a pre-coffee post. They just don't happen.

(So, even though it feels totally weird to write all this "me" "I" stuff, detailing my morning routine, what the ??!!.... again with the oddly compelled thing, so here it is. Just trusting there's a reason.)

[Perna]

Are you sure your meds are working for you? I don't know that you should be in that much pain if your meds are working well. I'd call and cuss out my doctor demand a recount.

The point is the periods when we don't feel that bad. Doesn't help when the pain is upon us but, to be fair, when we feel okay we don't quite remember the pain, just the thoughts about the pain and that it was bad. I got really really good at waiting for the better times.

[allme]

The point of it all... hmmm.... I sometimes wonder too... really really wonder WTF? But I eventually come to the conclusion.. that its worth it for the good times we have in our lives too.... man thats so hard to see while you are in that pit but I do try and remind myself of that. And yes... even harder when you know that you will be back in that pit again and again and again..... BUT you gotta have hope... gotta have faith in life itself... so many good times ahead to be had that you havent enjoyed yet so many experiences waiting for you.... good and yes bad but remember the there will be good too.... you never know whats around the corner.

Sorry.. probably not been much help but know you are not alone in your feelings *hugs*

Yes and I also agree, it may be time to speak with doc if you are on meds and still getting so low *wishing you the best*

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

(Hope to not be an annoying pest , but there's something else I'm compelled to add.) I'm never up this early. No place to have to go. It's just weird and completely out of character to be up so early. To make it weirder yet, went straight to the computer and straight to this forum and straight to your post. Usual order of things? Coffee and a smoke, wander over and turn on computer and go to email. Sometimes forum next, sometimes not. Usually start with the new posts from the bottom, not the top.
And what's the point of all this information? That sometimes one finds oneself strangely compelled to do something out of the ordinary way. There's usually a reason for this, though we have no idea beforehand why we're doing this thing. It always wigs me out a bit as some kind of intervention from something beyond ourselves, you know? And I'm not a person of faith. But these sorts of things are like little zaps of insight that we don't know everything and we don't know why, and it's alright.

Oh yeah. So this is a pre-coffee post. They just don't happen.

(So, even though it feels totally weird to write all this "me" "I" stuff, detailing my morning routine, what the ??!!.... again with the oddly compelled thing, so here it is. Just trusting there's a reason.)

I AM GLAD YOU BROKE CHARACTER THANKS FOR BEING THERE WHEN YOU WERE. YOU'RE RIGHT, SOMETHING BEYOND US (IN MY OPINION GOD) IS INTERVENING, HE ALWAYS DOES WHEN I'M AT MY LOWEST, AND TO USE SOMEONE FROM ACROSS THE WORLD...WELL THAT'S JUST AMAZING

You weren't the least bit annoying

[Trippin2.0]

Just thought I'd update you guys...

Mood went from terribly hopeless, to blah, to okay, to sad, to happy. ALL IN 1 DAY, is that even possible?

Thanks guys for your support, It's terribly isolating for me in the RW, it's comforting to know I have friends here who understand, relate and care...

You guys are the absolute BEST

[sugahorse1]

Trippin - you have just started these meds. hang in there! The Lorien will eventually start working - just give it some time (Sometimes up to 4 weeks or more).
If you cannot take it any more, please be honest with yourself - phone your pdoc or take yourself to hospital. They can monitor your meds there and get you started in a controlled environment.

I know this sounds monotonous, but this is only temporary. You are now in the care of a pdoc - let him help you - all he requires from you is patience and feedback.
you know the grass is greener on the other side; that you will reach that happy place again and be living a fulfilling life.
You are becoming a stronger person every day you fight this and will be able to give so much back to another person who needs your help, support, and experience.

I'm glad you have a friend to help you - in these moods, get this person to sms and check in with you regularly. Let this person take control and even phone your pdoc if necessary.

Hugs to you my friend!

[Amandas256]

Trippin - Hang in there. I don't really know what to say except that we are here for you and listening (or reading). I hate when i get in these moods! Just know that you are not alone!