[onomonapetia]

So, I have that sinking feeling that I am going down into that darn hole again. You know how that goes. Pdoc took me off of my vyvanse last week for add/adhd so that made me a mess to start with. All the channels in my head are getting loud and fuzzy again. I can't think straight and the most mundane tasks are making me nervous and overwhelmed. I had this feeling last week when I saw him that my meds weren't working as well as they should anyway. I tried to tell him that I was feeling kind of anxiety ridden, but he just wrote it off as being stressed from my marital issues. Every time I go he asks me the series of questions and how I rate how I feel AT THE MOMENT, which I think is stupid because surprise! bipolars can feel different from day to day, or in my case moment to moment. I don't understand how that can be a diagnostic tool.

I have been on quite a few meds, mostly the common ones (lamictal, lithium, topomax, symbyax, seroquel, prozac, zoloft) to name a few. My current dr seems to only prescribe me ones that are actually fda approved for bp issues. Maybe the drug manufacturers are lining his pockets, maybe I am just being paranoid. I don't know anymore. Maybe some of you can suggest some meds to me that I don't know about.

Yesterday I had a freaking panic attack that started out about the laundry. Then it escalated into being so upset because I realized that I am always going to be fighting this uphill battle. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live like this. I feel like I am doomed to be a terrible mother. She shouldn't have to deal with a messed up person like me as her mom. She and my husband are the only reason I get up everyday. Please tell me that I am not the only one to have felt like this, and it will pass.

[Trippin2.0]

You are not alone, I also feel terrible about what I put my daughter through, it's terrible, the guilt, the self-loathing and the feeling of inadequacy...
But remember this: You are worth the effort, you are worth the fight, you are worth the energy, YOU ARE WORTH IT
and you're right...it will pass, you have to have faith...
I'm here for you, we (your PC family) are here for you

Keep posting, and we will do our best to support, encourage, motivate and understand... Mwah

[greylove]

Oh onomonapetia......it will pass for you, but right now, I'm in the same boat. I truly understand how you're feeling. This Bipolar business is beyond belief. Unlike you,I'm not able to get even the most mundane tasks started. My pdoc is telling me to exercise......my injuries from "the bad time" will hardly let me boil water, and my therapist is telling me to eat hard boiled eggs and salad. Not going to happen. My husband has to drive 1 1/2 hours to work everyday and 1 1/2 hours back. I feel like a baby bird waiting for the parent to return to the nest with food. Both are the usual suggestions and I know therapist and pdoc are looking for some way to help, but my situation is pretty extreme. I can relate totally to many of the things you wrote, but I know you will prevail. You'll find the med or combination of meds that will let you be the mother you want to be. This is just a moment in time, and I'm not trying to minimize it in any way......keep hanging in there......you have a lot going for you and you have a lot of strength to tap into, even though you're not seeing it right now. Those priorities in life (your husband and your daughter) will get you to where you want to be. If nothing else, I do understand and I'm keeping you in my thoughts......you will prevail.......greylove

[onomonapetia]

Thank you so much for responding. Sometimes it just takes hearing it from someone else that you are worth it, even if I don't know you!

"This is just a moment in time" that is perhaps the best thing you could have said! Kinda puts this all in perspective. There are so many good things in my life right now.

Although, I HATE when people (usually my family) tell me that "oh, you have so much to be thankful for! You could be so worse off!" and then they will go on to give examples of people in worse situations. Yeah, well I am not them and it is a moot point to tell me that. It just pisses me off a little, because I feel like I should be able to control this, but I can't.

Back to my point of things that I am grateful for, I think I will list them and maybe it will feel better to see it (maybe for you as well).

1. My daughter's chubby fists
2. The fact that she has dimples (I always wanted them myself)
3. Despite the utter idiocy of my husband at times, he has the biggest and most resiliant heart of anyone I have ever met. No one should put up with the abuse that I dish out, but he does.
4. I have two other babies (my dogs) that I can't stand most of the time, but I couldn't live without either.
5. No matter how bad I feel, I can always look up at the sky and realize that there are some things waaay bigger than me and there is a purpose even though it might be hard to see at times.
6. I have a home.
No matter how stupid I look, I can make my daughter laugh no matter how cranky she is.
7. That the world is amazing and filled with wonder to her. She hasn't seen how awful it can be yet.
8. Her giggles pull me out of a funk everytime.

That's all I can think of right now. Maybe I should make that an exercise every day. Thank you for your kind words!

[Trippin2.0]

Giant bear hugs coming your way!

[Amandas256]

I know how bad you feel about thinking that you are a bad mom. I feel the same way. My sister also tells me that all the time too. Also that I'm a bad wife, andpretty much a bad person. It hits hard everytime you think that way. It will pass though. I'm just telling myself that I am a good mother and a good wife and that I'm worth it to have everything I have. I also think that my kids and husband would be better off if I wasn't around. I have to convince myself that my kids love me and that it would crush them if something happened to me. Just hang in there! It will get better!

[greylove]

omnomonapetia.....that business about "people telling you to be thankful", and "you could be so much worse off".....I say that to myself!! And then I get real. My situation is pretty difficult......but that's not what I'm wanting to say. I want to say that your "grateful" list was absolutely wonderful to read. It was really delightful and so sweet......your daughter has such an appreciative mom. Every moment will be a treasure. Thank you for the smiles.......greylove

[onomonapetia]

Awww, thanks greylove. I hope you are doing better now, too. I made some no-bake cookies and I feel better. I forced myself to do it and I am glad I did it. They remind me of good memories (very few that there were) of my mom. They are also delicious! My husband doesn't like them, so it looks like they are all for me! In all seriousness though, sometimes I have to make myself do something to get out of the funk. I try to always have some of my favorite music playing, not too loud though or I get agitated. I very rarely watch tv by myself. I hate coming into the room with my husband watching it; I think he's deaf or something. It makes me mad for some reason for the volume to be so loud. Ahhh, the many quirks of having mental problems. Here I go rambling again, anyway, thank you again! I am glad I made you smile with my list!

[greylove]

Ramble any time.....except that now I want cookies