It's coming for me

In May, I had this weird episode, not the first, but definitely the worst to date.
My mind felt like it was unraveling, my personality felt divided, and I was at war with my mind for days on end...

I don't know what triggered it, I don't know if there was a trigger.

All I know is, that's where I'm headed, and I'm scared out my mind...

BF took me on a long drive to help me get away last night when he popped into a shop, found myself begging my mind out loud, to "just please let me have this night, let me enjoy this,you can ruin me when I get home, just leave me alone, why must you take everything from me, why must you ruin everything?"

That's how I know it's coming, it's lurking beneath the surface, taunting me,provoking me,trying to break me completely.

I can say I won't let it, but HOW? I'm scared, I feel fragile, like ANYTHING can set it off, I can't keep running, last night was just a useless exercise in running, didn't protect me from the war in my mind...

I'm scared, and CANNOT articulate this to ANYBODY I know...I want to, I tried, but sadly I can't.

Please don't suggest hospital, red tape won't allow it. ( I have to be completely psychotic in order to be considered) and honestly, I'd feel guilty if I could go hang out there for a week or 2.

I've tried asking for time off work, but my sup thinks I'm over reacting (he knows about my dx) guess he'll just have to meet psycho me again before I get sent home again...

I hate this. I'm scared and hateful right now...I know I can't keep running, I just want it to consume me, swallow me and spit me back out, just TAKE ME ALREADY AND BE DONE WITH ME!

I'M SCARED

Trippin - trust me; you do NOT need to be psychotic to go to hospital. Speak to your pdoc. The first time I started meds, I really was OK, but he insisted I go to hospital.

You are going through a VERY tough time with you BP at the moment, and it's not maintainable.
If your pdoc will not help, see your GP, or a new pdoc.
I'd usually be telling you to be patient, but you've been on these meds long enough to see an improvement. Please remind me what you are on?
Maybe time to take one of the Benzo's and allow yourself to calm down a bit?

You cannot run away from it, you need to tackle it head on: coping mechanisms, medication... And it can be beaten.
Don't pre-empt it coming, it may skip you altogether.

Glad you bf could take you for a drive last night.

200mg Tegretol and 20mg Lorien daily at night.
Last night, I was "hearing" how I didn't deserve this nice guy, how I don't really matter to him, and I ended up arguing with my mind out loud again When I got home at around 23:30, the house was quiet, and "they" started again,I know where that road leads... Last time, I woke up with an X and a check mark on either arm I'm so glad I was exhausted, b/c sometimes the arguing goes on right through the night...

Coping? I only know how to fake it, never learned anything else, and I think the facade is what's making my melting worse!

Crumbling, unraveling, scared, mess

I don't want this, any of it.

Tegretol is the mood stabiliser.
As per Drugs.com "You may have thoughts about suicide while taking Tegretol. Your doctor will need to check you at regular visits. Do not miss any scheduled appointments. Call your doctor at once if you have any new or worsening symptoms such as: mood or behavior changes, depression, anxiety, or if you feel agitated, hostile, restless, hyperactive (mentally or physically), or have thoughts about suicide or hurting yourself."

Your dosage seems to be a decent maintenance dose.

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Lorien is an antidepressant
20mg also seems correct, but can go all the way up to 80mg.
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All things indicate that you need to ask for help - PLEASE.
I can only write and offer advice; I can offer you emotional support. But I cannot book you into a hospital or change your meds. This is where you need to be responsible and call your pdoc.

I don't know how!!!
I've only ever had to do this alone before pc, what would i say?

Called him in tears, on my way to see him now.

Sorry for being such a pain

Hi, you asked me to phone and check in with you about how the meds were helping. Well, today I feel like a mess. I have been feeling really depressed and suicidal since... and i cannot function. I am not able to do my work, and when I'm at home, all I want to do is crawl into bed and not exist.
I cannot carry on like this. You told me the meds should take ... weeks to notice an improvement, but I am really battling with this depressive episode.
I have had the odd suicidal intention, but my logic and responsibility for my child kept me from acting on it.
I just don't know what to do anymore, and am phoning you in the hope that you have a suggestion to help me.

WELL DONE!!!
Hope he can help you and give you some relief.
Whatever plan of action he comes up with, please accept it. Just try it!

a week or 2 in hospital...

go for it. you have your cell to stay in touch, but really just use it to take time out. to get your meds adjusted, to sleep
(((((Trippin))))

Don't worry, I agreed. Just have to get med/aid clearance, notify my work, and then my MOM yikes

get everything in line, and then tell mom - DO NOT let her get in your way.
Medical aid usually clears it in a few hours if you pressure - when you going?
My cell number is in my e-mail signature, take it and sms me if you want

Thanks, my friend is busy clearing my med/aid authorization as we speak, my sup, is approving my leave of absence, so all that's left is for me to tell mom...

She just got used to the fact that I'm on meds, maybe I should just tell her it's for tapering purposes? She don't need to know the depression is scaring my pdoc right?

She doesn't need to know it's scaring your pdoc. Maybe tell her that if you go to hospital you can be adjusted to your meds a lot quicker as you are being constantly monitored.
It will get you over the depression a lot quicker, and missing a full week of work is going to allow you to be fully productive a lot quicker than tapering onto the meds slowly, having relapses every second day or so...

You will prob see your pdoc every day. And if he feels it necessary, he may pull a therapist in for you to talk to too.
It really isn't that bad - I promise. I'd never been to hospital before I was admitted and I was scared; for no reason in hindsight. Just take the opportunity to sleep and let the doctors adjust your meds. Shout about every little symptom and let them help you.
You'll probably be in the normal ward anyway (I was) and can walk around when you feel motivated to do anything.
Hang in there - we are right behind you every step of the way.

Thanks Suga.
He said he'd be there everyday,to monitor me closely, and organize a T as well. Who knows, maybe hospital food will make me pick up my lost 2kg... still scared, but hopeful, thanks for pushing me to call him

Only a pleasure - thanks for listening

Good luck to you. Just tell your mom your pdoc wants to do some major medication adjustments and the hospital is the fastest and most efficient way to do that. You can tell her that, yes, you are very depressed, but you can probably leave out the fact that your pdoc is scared. Just stick to the facts.

Thanks guys, just wish this med/aid nonsense can be sorted so I can relax! What if I can't go b/c they refuse to pay? then what...

relax - they dont refuse to pay. I went twice in 2 months - just make sure you have all the details, quote them the ICD 10 code that is applicable (For me it's F31.9) and do NOT put the phone down until you have an authorisation number

but this stupid guide book says R5800 PER ANNUM, and some nonsense about state hospitals...

My Dr wants me to go to a private place called Crescent Clinic, they've got an excellent rep here in CT, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know...

Speak to your doc about the limits.
You should have a hospital limit quoted overall (=-R1 mil/annum) and then a separate amount for psychiatric inpatient, as well as outpatient.
I spoke to my T about this and she says that if my psychiatric outpatient benefit were to be used up, she could write a letter and motivate to have more of my overall limit allocated to psychiatric issues, as this is what I'm dealing with right now and need help with.
I'm sure your doc will know about limits and how to work around them.

I've mailed him the BS I'm being fed at work, maybe he can find a way around it, I don't know...Just when I thought I was gonna get better...

Please check in with us when you know what's happening - either log onto PC with your phone, or sms me details to post on your behalf.
Your PC family is behind you and at the same time worried about you

BS Med/aid sez I hav2 cough up 40% b/c they won't cover 100% private,they only cover state. GRrr, but you know what? Screw'em I'm going to the hospital, I'll find a way to come up with the money...