How I Feel Today. . . Open to all.

Well first I must say I am sorry it has been a few since I have posted and I hope everyone is doing well, or at least maintaining. I dont really know how I feel anymore and I suppose that's why I havent been posting.

For the last week I have been hiding out at my friends apt not doing anything but laying on the couch watching tv and self medicating. My life has ground to a halt and more than ever I feel like nothing matters, esp me. Plus today marks day one of my least favorite month, I wish I could just go away....

Hi Denise, hope you're feeling a little better. It breaks my heart whenever anyone says the feel worthless...for me, it's the worst feeling I have. I hope you keep strong and cut yourself some slack...you are much more than just a few days off the grid.

As for getting through your least favorite month, remember there are people here every single day that will help you through. Don't forget us, OK?

Glad you're back..

Me...tired, headache..think all the woo-hooing yesterday sucked all the energy out of me. It's still cloudy and cool outside, but it's supposed to get better in the next few days..maybe a couple of days sunshine and 80 degrees will help. Been sitting here for an hour and staring at the stuff on my desk. I guess just staring isn't going to get it done, so I'm going to take what's on top and deal with it. Then I'll see where it goes from there...

Ty PT, I never forget you guys, even when I dont post I check this thread everyday many times a day to see how everyone is and send what positivity I can.

What do you mean by "you are much more than just a few days off the grid."?
I would like to cut myself don't know if it would give me any slack though.....

thinker22 glad you are still in a good mood. Hopefully your old pdoc won't have any problems keeping you in supply with your meds till you go see your new pdoc.

PT52 that is great to hear. Glad your lawyer is taking your case. (dances with you)

Polyonamous good to hear you had a good day also. Good luck on going back to work.

Blackpup hope all went well with your supervisor.

Medicated wishing everything goes well for you over the next week. Hold steady and weather the storm.

Denise26 been wondering about you. Glad you decided to rejoin us. Sorry things are still not going that well for you. Wish you would look into getting a new pdoc and get yourself back on your meds. I'm really concerned for you. Hate to hear that you are feeling so bad.

Today I'm not as motivated. Tried to sleep in, but all I did was lay there. I didn't get a definite answer on whether or not my husband is coming home this weekend. Said he would give me an answer today. They have ran out of work for a couple of weeks and he is ready to come home. I am so ready to have him home. The only thing that sucks about it is I have to go get him. It is a ten hour drive each way and we have to make the trip before the kids go back to school Tuesday. So I will be going up to TN on Saturday and driving back home Sunday. It will all be worth it to have my honey home though.

Denise: I forget that sometimes the things I say can be confusing ..I look at participation in this group, the days of positive actions and steps towards managing my life as being on the "grid"... the BP grid, if you will. So when you say you're , I look as that as being off the grid. And when you follow it with, , is why I say you are much more than that. I just wanted to give you some positive reinforcement that, even when we feel we don't matter, we still matter.

I am so excited, my husband is definitely coming home this weekend. Like I said I dread the drive, but look forward to being back with him. It will take so much stress off of me and I won't have to always be the strong one for the kids. I will be able to go hide in my room again when I'm not feeling up to par. Thank God for small miracles.

vj yay!!!!
It's raining here, so maybe I'm just reading things a little greyer... but it seems like things are on a bit of a slump... thinking of you all and hoping for lots of energy, motivation and happiness to come your way... as well as hot chocolate and snuggling up with a book!
Supervisor meeting went well... he said nice things and we got lots of work done, and -as usual- a few pages of things for me to do... Now I remember why I don't like meeting him... it just means more work! Can't read a word I wrote from the notes so will just have to go from memory- which is non existent! Lucky he wont remember either!!!

Yea for the good stuff!
ssss for the not so good stuff.

Right now I'm tired and need to before really catching up on the forums. The day started out in a jumping-out-of-bed supposed-to-already-be-somewhere phone call (yikes!). Very stressful, but I held steady, dealt with a rather annoying day and a really annoying person w/o launching (LOL). Thank you, meds!
Then a couple of relaxing things at home (you know when it just feels sooo good to be home after a trying day? Yeah. )

The first hour or so after I get up is nearly always a struggle. I know this is the case but I always feel like the world is ending. Why is this? It usually passes quickly after breakfast and a couple of coffees. I have joked elsewhere about having a off switch for the brain, or an alarm clock so it wakes up later.

"How do I feel today?" is a hard question for me. It depends when you ask me for a start. It might start as anxious/worried, move on to tired, okay-ish and hopefully okay in the end.

I'm good !!

I'm worried about having come out to my friends, I feel like I'm sharing too much. I am. Also I feel kind of tempted to go online in facebook again.. I don't want to go back.

Hi, new to the forum, its amazing how comforting that there are other people in the world who go -off the grid- I stopped drinking booze and feel much better, less paranoid. cliveWild I totally relate to that world is ending feeling - my thought upon waking up is frequently OH NO, another day? Trying to be positive and just concentrate on 1 thing at a time like putting on my pants. then drink coffee. then walk dog. take meds. eat 1 bite then another. Oh what a tremendous bore this bipolar sheet is - to be normal would be my incredible dream. Get to work docs! All these expensive meds don´t exactly cut it. Thanks all ---- z

Hi zapo - glad you're here. And Clive! Glad you're good!
byfnvy: I know what you mean about sharing too much, but the people who really love you will understand. If you feel like you need to share a little less with others, pour it all out here - no one here will judge you and we all like a good story.

Me...tired because I got up with the alarm this morning. I have to be at a 9:00 am training session for the charity I started volunteering for. The good news is that, besides doing their newsletter, I'm going to be in charge of their website (what the training is for) and also help write and edit grant proposals - good experience for (hopefully) finding another job. Was depressed most of yesterday, didn't do anything I should have and not much of what I wanted to. Feeling a bit more productive today.

I am doing a little better today because I get to work from home. Yesterday was a bad day for me at work so I feel a little less preasure today. Thank you for making this post. As far as my mood I am tired and a little bit irritable. My 16 year old is driving me crazy. I am BP and she has borderline... Not a good mix. I don't know if we have ever bonded and I feel guilty and bad about it all the time... Sorry this is all over the place... Thanks for letting me vent here. it feel really good.
i wish everyone some piece today!

BlackPup glad things went well with your supervisor, other then the more work part. I hate it when it rains, it is always so depressing to me.

Innerzone sorry your day was stressful and annoying. Way to go on not launching. I hope the day gets better for you.

CliveWild I can relate to the not wanting to get up and start the day. It is always a struggle for me to. I'm glad your day gets better as you go though.

byfnvy you don't have to share with your friends if your not comfortable with it. I would keep it between the people that are closest to you. What is the bad thing about facebook?

zapo welcome to the forum, glad to have you here. It is always nice to have people to relate to. Hope you find the forum as supportive as I do.

PT52 it looks like you have a busy day ahead of you, glad you are feeling better. Good luck with the training.

LittlePieceOfHeaven welcome to the forum. I'm glad you are feeling better today. Working from home is always nice.

Today I'm feeling a little moody. Kinda depressed (don't know why), anxious, and a little stressed. I've been gritting my teeth all morning. I need to find something to do with my day cause if I don't I will go crazy sitting around. I feel a little irritable too, just like it is crawling under my skin. I should be in a great mood knowing my husband is coming home. Maybe it is the stress of the upcoming trip, I really hate the drive. I just took a klonipen so hopefully that will help some.

To those who are having a good day WTG! To those who are not so much I feel for you and hope it gets better.

Me: Today I am depressive, bored, anxious, restless, worthless, sad, confused and missing my x tdoc something fierce, wish I could just forget about her it's been 2mos now... Still off my meds all but the Ativan but taking less of it and self medicating more... So tired of existence/ consciousness I just want to rest in peace...

I hate that life has got you so down. How is your dad doing? Are you liking GA better? Sending all the good vibes your way.

Thanks VJ, dad is doing ok I guess. He works from home and never quits until its time for him to get drunk for the night. As to liking Ga better its hard to say, neither is better or worse than the other I suppose its all situational, been moving back and forth between the 2 since I was 13. Do I like my situation better? No, hate it, wish I was back at the beginning of this yr when I had a tdoc and a job and an apt all my own....

Hi all,
yay to all those doing well, glad you are feeling a bit better PT, hi Zapo, byfnvy.. i disclose far too much sometimes, but my real friends just take it in their stride.. and those who dont care dont care!
little piece of heaven, welcome and i hope you find strength here.
soz to anyone else!

me.. im as manic as a manic thing in a manic place on a manic farm in manic ville!
could end up difficult as i wouldnt do what the boss wanted at work today, feeling a bit uncooperative, and seemed funny at the time!!!! ooooops i get a really stupid sense of humour sometimes! but if he tells me off i know i will end up rolling on his carpet having a fit of giggles. good job i told him i was bp!

wow polyonamous definitely manic. Don't really know what to say to that. I guess it is a good thing you told your boss you are bp. Hopefully it won't interfere with your work situation. Wishing you the best of luck.

Woke up this morning early, which is unusual for me, and in a good mood. The good mood was unusual as I've been depressed for months. Went and had bloodwork done, still in a good mood. Then I got anxious before I went to work, don't know why. After I was at work a while I was ok again. Now I'm feeling kinda wired. I don't know if I'm getting manic again or if I'm just finally having a good day.

I've been hypomanic today. I was talking a mile a minute to my caseworker at the county mental health office. I had to take double the amount of diazepam just to fall asleep last night. I'm feeling near to a manic episode and my mom calls me and tells me my brother is seriously suicidal. It's too long to explain but basically he'd rather be dead than deal with what he's facing. I suggested to my mom that he check himself into a psych ward. He really does need a diagnosis and treatment. I hope he will go. It's a really bad situation, but running from it will make it worse.

I'm feeling harried and rather anxious. I've been out of the hospital for two days, and in that time, I have almost completely packed to move cross-country. It's been more than a little stressful. I'm also dealing with school problems (as always), and I'm frustrated that my psychiatrist is not returning my phone calls regarding a time-sensitive issue. Basically, I can't go back to school without a note from her saying that it's okay, and they haven't received the note yet from her and she's not returning my phone calls.

Ughhhhh.... so much to worry about, and I know I should really be taking it easy because my poor brain has been through so much lately and I'm probably a little fragile. Moving is hard. Really hard. I'm glad I have my mom here to help, because I couldn't have done it alone. No way. *sigh*

Thanks for this thread! I've had a really anxious day and am only now finding some relief. I am going through a phase of extreme anxiety with panic attacks and I've been feeling physically ill for most of the day. I've been feeling imprisoned by my anxious brain and in this body that has been freaking out on me. My thoughts have been obsessive and catastrophic. I had a telephone appointment with my therapist and that helped. I felt relief after telling her how bad my anxiety has been and how ill I've been feeling. She was reassuring and made some helpful suggestions. This evening for the first time in days I have started to feel a slight lessening of the feelings of doom, and a slight decrease in my anxiety level and the physical symptoms that go along with it. I hope it lasts!!