How I Feel Today. . . Open to all.

sadness, I just seem to struggle everyday....feel lost and all alone

Thanks PT52. I needed the comic relief ...lol. It would be nice to send them to another planet at times. Usually their stuff don't bother me, but I've been rather aggitated lately. As far as dinner goes he either eats or goes hungry. I'm just tired of the constant battle. Thanks again for your kindness it helps alot.

((((onlyme2))))
I can relate to the feeling right now. It is hard when you are depressed and it seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. We just have to keep trudging forward until we can pull through.

Today suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucked.

I went to see my pdoc, and I get to start an out-patient program tomorrow. *oh joy* She wanted me to go in-patient, but they didn't have any beds open. So we decided to try the out-patient for a while to see how that goes. She gave me Ambien CR and upped my Prozac. I dun wanna sleep though. I have the nightmares and they scare me. I also decided that I need some alone time from my husband, because he constantly yells at me and treats me like a child. Yesterday, he said that I had planned all of my problems so I could be out of work, b/c in the past I had said that I didn't want to work. . . . . so I'm gonna take some time away from him. All though it will be with my mom, I have no other place to go.

sorry you don't have a supportive partner queenaccountant. i think it will be good to get some time away.

great song btw. one of my faves.

QA, PT52 and everyone else who could use one (or more!)! Unlimited offer!

Well, yesterday and today pretty good. Some anxiety, but able to bring it in line with a bit of alprazolam. Am watching mood chart particularly these days as... you know the job I've had that's very infrequent? It's been getting quite busy -- to wit... tuesday had a split shift. During the first part of it, was having major overheating problems. I knew it was serious when I stopped sweating (despite drinking water all day--guess it wan't enough to keep up). Went (sent) home (slightly early), cold shower, drank tons of water and headed back out for the night portion (BF was worried, but I can be very very stubborn). Next day was a graveyard that went from 8pm till 5am (3-4 hours later than expected). Back home for 1 1/2 hours of sleep before heading off for another shift (partial). Had at least normal energy levels and got quite a bit done.

I don't *feel* hypomanic, but out of the last 40+ hours, I've had 1 1/2 of sleep. Granted, they were just in the course of necessity, not that I wouldn't have slept more if there was opportunity, but I'm keeping an eye on it anyway on account of functioning as if there were no sleep deprivation at all. We'll see. (And... yes, this sounds crazy, and it is at the moment. It's usually much less busy, but I need the $ beyond a doubt and live by the adage, "make hay while the sun shines".)

So pretty even mood-wise, but keeping an eye on it. Ongoing random anxiety, which is annoying.
Suppose I should go to sleep now, lol! Don't really care one way or the other, but it will be comfy and I rarely have trouble falling asleep so it would certainly be the prudent thing to do...

QA: Sounds like we have a lot in common..if you listen to every Dr. Phil type expert, they'll say women are the ones who keep score and constantly bring up the past. Not true in my case, and obviously in yours, too. I've been unemployed a week and a day, and most of that time, I was hearing from the hubs about how irresponsible I am and how he has to pay for EVERYTHING!! and how I NEVER contribute. Then he brings up every job I've ever had and then some cuz he likes to throw out "facts" that aren't even facts! Don't you love how we get blamed for things we have no control over? Taking a break sounds like a great idea..gives you time to clear your head a little and focus on getting better. Hugs to you!

Innerzone: Hope you get some sleep soon! Don't let yourself get too run down. A paycheck is important but your health is everything!

onlyme2: when you're here, you are never, ever alone.

Me today: Actually got a kiss and a hug from the hubs before he headed out on the road again. Makes me feel hope again. Feeling a bit overwhelmed...procrastinated again and now have applications to fill out, legal stuff to get together, homework to do..and very little motivation. Feel like sitting in my pjs watching tv all day..

I am blank this morning. Devoid of any emotion other than the occasional anxiety attack... More than a little confused about where my life is and who I am and what I am supposed to be doing....

QueenAccountant sorry to hear you have to start an outpatient program, I do hope it helps. I'm also sorry to hear you are having troubles with your hubby. It sucks when they just don't get it. I hope your away time is good for you.

Innerzone glad to hear you are getting some hours in although they are hectic ones. Hope you can catch up on your rest soon.

PT52 so glad to hear your husband showed you affection before he left. Take one thing at a time and if you don't get it all done then that is ok too.

Denise26 have you established a new pdoc there in GA. I am really concerned about your well being. I don't think coming off your meds was the wisest decision. Do you intend to stay off of them?

Today I'm actually enjoying my morning. First time in a long time. I actually didn't wake up anxious this morning. Although I still didn't want to get out of bed. Tried to roll over and go back to sleep, but I couldn't. Hoping the rest of the day goes well too. I just don't know what I'm going to do with myself once I get off here. I want to do something productive today. Maybe I will try scrap booking. Been a long time since I sat down and done that. Hope I can find my creative center. Really don't feel like just sitting around watching tv. Makes me restless when I don't have something to do and today I feel somewhat motivated. So hopefully I can be productive.

im sorta sad that I have missed out all the great posts this week. I am so far behind I will never catch up so I am starting at the newest posts instead of the oldest this time. Blame it on work. The good thing is I have a new pc at work so once I have a little time it wont take me so long to get through the posts. Anyways... hope everyones week was good!
okay guess im feeling fine right now... just swamped at work and way behind... gotta go!

I'm so proud of myself, I actually sat down and scrap booked today. I haven't done anything crafty in a long time. I can't say I was up to my creative self, but I still done it. That is such a big step from sitting on the couch going crazy. I feel so good for being productive. I even cleaned up my room afterwords. I hope this is a improving trend in my mood.

having therapy from 9-2:30 was a bit intense for me today. not, to mention they went over some triggering topics. i don't know if i can do this again. my mind is numb.

Yay, vj!!! Way to go!! Try to stick with it QA...there will be light at the end of the tunnel. Remember, you had the strength to show up and the strength to stay!

OK, so I have to admit to being busy, but not terribly productive ...but the sun is out, it's a beautiful day and I'm going to let myself enjoy it.

WOOO HOOOO ha ha ha ha !
wish i could feel like this every day!!

MASSIVE euphoric adrenalin buzz going on.. feels like a hundred christmas eves all rolled in to 1 hour

YYAAAAAAAYYYY!

VJ: Glad to hear you had a day where you felt good and were able to do something you enjoy. No I have not gotten a new pdoc or tdoc here in Ga and IDK if I will go back on my meds or not. Not entirely convinced it matters whether I am in good mental health or not...

Kade: Glad to hear you are doing well and staying busy

QA: Wow, that's a long T session. I would be exhausted too. I hope it will atleast prove helpful to you.

PT: Glad you are feeling well and able to enjoy your day yesterday!

Poly: IDK what your on, but please give me some!

Me: Today I am slightly hung over... I got my records from the place I was going to tdoc and pdoc in Fl yesterday but I dont think they are complete. Its very interesting to see myself from their point of view, esp the few notes that were in there from my x tdoc... I miss her, I did call her the other day but they told me she didnt have a phone in her office right now. Anyways, hope all is well with the rest of you today.

PT52 I hope you enjoyed your day. Being busy can be a good thing even if your not very productive.

QueenAccountant that was definitely a long therapy session. I hope it proves to be helpful.

polyonamous glad you are feeling absolutely wonderful today.

Denise26 it definitely matters that you are in good mental health. I don't want to see you find yourself in a deep dark hole and no way out.

I'm up way to early today, to many hours to have to deal with. I tried going back to sleep with no success. Not as pumped up as I was yesterday. I battled last night with wanting to drink, but I beat that beast. Got to do laundry today and not looking forward to it. I guess I really don't know how I feel today. I think it is going to be another day where I just exist. Hopefully not, but it is kind of the way I feel right now.

Vj: I think that's what I've been doing lately, Just existing. But I have been in a deep dark hole with no way out for a very long time... So long in fact I have begun to decorate... Eventually I will release myself from this prison we call life but for now like you I think I am just existing... I think I have been dissociating a lot lately too but idk cause my memory is not all there... Thanks for saying it matters though =)

I'll take some of that, too, Poly..vj, I think you and I are definitely on the same schedule. Didn't fall asleep until around 3:00 am..woke up way too early. Got a cup of coffee, sat down at the computer and haven't moved since except to get another cup of coffee. Thinking about meeting with the attorney Tuesday and trying to get everything written down so it makes sense. I'm already up to 12 pages (single spaced) and I keep thinking of more and more stuff to add. The upside is that the Lamictal is helping me focus; the downside is that the more I write, the more depressed I get. Think the pjs are going to be my attire for the day, if not for the whole weekend. It's a beautiful day out, but I'm seriously considering sitting in the dark watching movies all day..

Oh yeah, don't know if I mentioned it, but received an official copy of my employee file yesterday..other than the usual new-hire documents the only two things in there were the "Performance Improvement Plan" and the termination document. Noticeably absent was the copy of my plan to succeed that I gave them in writing. Wonder if they'll deny they ever got it?

And Denise, it not only matters, YOU matter. And WE care. Take care of yourself..please?

Not good. I'm in pain from my neck down to my ankles. 3 separate problems all hitting me at once. Typing this from bed. Using an ice pack and heating pad to try to get some relief. Emotionally okay, just haven't been out of bed much at all today. Need hugs. Here's some for everyone.

Hugs Thinker, hope you are feeling a bit better soon!

Feel better soon, Thinker - healing vibes coming your way!

Sorry you are in pain thinker22 hope you feel better soon.