How I Feel Today. . . Open to all.

Today, well, so far... still waking up and in my morning brain-fog-- but am getting annoyed with waking up to a panic attack a lot lately. Most days the panic attacks have been revisiting through the day. Ugh. Have not taken any of my alprazolam though, because with such a very limited amount left, I'm afraid to deplete entirely(!) Will be going to a PHMNP next week though, so will have a better idea of what's going to be in the tool box. So to speak. Boy I hate panic attacks. I've gone nice long spans without them at times. Didn't miss 'em and would like to tell them to go visit the mountains or something instead of visiting me!

Denise, I totally get what you're saying about the troublesome expression. I understand that people mean well, and that it's a common expression, but it's one that I'm really uncomfortable with too, so you can rest assured you'll never ever hear me use it. On the suffering, I do care, and you are worth feeling better. Much advice falls into the "useful for some and not for others" catagory. Those that are not useful to me I've had to learn to let fall away as best I can (not easy, for sure, but still I try)... a practice that I've had to put into play a fair bit at support group (where there is actually a rule about it, so it's usually not direct, but still...). That, and remind myself that people do mean well, they just don't hear it through our ears. (There was a biggie at group recently, that everyone else seemed to appreciate that I just found triggering, so I was busy zoning out. Sometimes I'm sure I look like a space cadet, but that's alright! )

for all!!! (Hey, mommasuesue, can I borrow some of your motivation? )

Sorry to hear your waking up to panic attacks, I know thats scary. Sometimes I wake up just crying uncontrollably.. Its horrible. I dont sleep much or well anyways and that just makes me afraid to.

I wish I had advice on how to handle them but I am in the same boat as you are. The only thing I have found to be helpful is when I can focus my whole body AND mind on breathing for about 10mins but thats a hard thing to convince myself to do in those moments.

Thanks for your support, glad to hear Im no the only one who thinks like that about those "reassuring" statements.. And I can totally relate on the zoning out part as I do that quite often. I think its called dissociating or something...

Today I feel relieved that I was able to sit through the whole 90 minutes of group therapy. I am also feeling tired.

Melissa, glad to hear you were able to sit through it and are feeling better for it, I know my group was very helpful until my t left and it left with her...

I guess it is an easy way of saying don't give up. Sorry that it upset you. I really didn't mean any harm by it. I'm sorry.

Vj it doesnt upset me, amuses me actually....

I was feeling ok today until I got on here. I'm not good with words and do my best to be supportive. Unfortunately I guess it is best I keep my thoughts to myself. I hate to upset anyone. I guess that is the way the ball rolls. Yet again my best efforts are not good enough. I don't know how else to feel. Sorry again Denise26, I was only trying to be helpful.

Awww, vjdragonfly! I just wanted to clarify if any of my comments were confusing at all... to say no worries --I totally realize it's used for encouragement, it's just that I personally don't. Just one of my (oh so many!) quirks.

By all means, post, post, post!!! I love your posts. And if it's any consolation, I have exactly the same reaction when I post sometimes. On another forum (not PC) I recall a number of posts where I stated something in complete innocence and well, I didn't do so well in realizing the subsequent posters meant no offence either, but it upset me nonetheless. And people (IRL) could point this out to me with little effect. Sigh. Sometimes our brains are mean to us, telling us things, making us take things to heart even when it's not meant that way, you know? again -- hoping you can take THIS to heart and feel better, ok? Truly.

Current status. Pretty good. Went to a brief workshift, home now, BF's day off, so.. fingers crossed it holds! I've told those panic attacks that they're only allowed a morning shift, so hope they listen! (Heck, I'd like to fire them, really, but they're tricky little buggers, altering the schedule like they do... )

Thanks Innerzone, I still don't feel any better about it. We are all here with issues and I don't want to aggravate anyone. I definitely take things personally even when I try not to. I'm afraid to write the wrong thing again. I am so not good with words and not as knowledgeable as many that reply on here. But thanks for your support.

I'm glad to hear you are feeling pretty good. I hope those panic attacks stay away for you.

Oh VJ I am SO SORRY!! I didnt mean to make you feel like that. I love talking with you and you are one of the few who have made me feel the least bit cared about on here (or anywhere). PLEASE dont stop posting, or responding. I was in a very bad place when I responded the other day and while I am still not out of it I see how my emotions affected you. I am SO VERY VERY VERY SORRY! And even sorrier I brought down what was an ok day for you, I know how precious those are.

Dont be afraid to write the "wrong" thing because as you must know most of the time there is no wrong or right thing to say to us in our moments. Just reread your signature and continue to be the Vj you are that I have come to greatly appreciate and look for posts on here from =)

Going down. Tomorrow I'm by myself, it worries me.

Aw lauru, if its the first day by yourself look at it as an opportunity to focus ON yourself and do things you can only do comfortably when no one is around. Me personally I like to blast the stereo or have a VERY LONG shower those sorts of things. And remember we're here if you need additional support!

Denise26 thank you for forgiving me. I do my best. I'm really hoping things get better for you. I know it is rough right now and I just don't want you to do anything rash.

Lauru I believe you can overcome this. Just keep in mind that it is a phase and will eventually pass. I know that is not very comforting now, but you have to stay strong.

Thanks Vj, and yw. If they would just approve my SSDI claim I could maybe be ok... They're waiting on my pdoc to return some paperwork he has had for over a month and I found out today its still sitting on his desk. I told them to please get it taken care of as I need it BADLY!

vj/denise: so understand the miscommuncation thing, I'm Aussie so we use a fair bit of colloquial sayings... the hang on / hang in there sayings are really common here, but I agree with the irony... its really hard when we all come from so different areas and experiences, so vj, I really understand your fears, but relax, you don't have to be perfect, none of us do, there will be miscommunication despite our best efforts - but its OK...
As for "hang in there", while I tend not to use it especially on forums, I really resonate with the idea - for me when I am depressed it feels as though I am falling off a cliff, I grasp at anything and everything to hold on to, sometimes they tear away like a shallow rooted plant or lose rock, but other times they stay firm, and I can "hang on" until it passes...
Lauru: you are not alone, we are here

Blackpup, Love your signature! I can see how the term could be a good one for most people. It just amuses me when people tell me that because I HAVE tried to hang myself before.... It was most amusing when my tdoc told me that on our last session as she had put me in Crisis Stabilization because she thought I was suicidal because I told her about the attempt at hanging a few nights before I went to see her..

Today I feel kind of ok. Got my Ativan so the panic attacks should be manageable at least...

Well now I am nervous. Have an appt with my pdoc this afternoon to fill out the paperwork for my SSDI claim, havent seen him since tdoc left and before she left I required her presence so that I could even be in the room with him....

Blackpup I understand what you are saying. I took it too personally, but all is good now. I'll try to be more careful what I write.

Denise26 I hope things go well with your pdoc. Take an Ativan before you go and maybe it will help you get through it. I wishing you the best and things speed along for your SSDI.

Today I feel pretty good. Which I did sleep half the day away. It seems like the more sleep I get the better I feel. I think it is because I don't have as much time to think about things. Long days seem to take their toll on me. Still not up to par, but I can handle this. Tired of struggling with the depression. I could use more days like this. Being comfortably numb . . . lol.

Vj, glad your feeling better today and hope things continue in that fashion for you. I am definitely going to take an Ativan before I go and another self-medication form I use as well..... I just hope I can talk to him instead of completely closing down like every other time Ive had to be in there with out her.... He has seen some strange outbursts from me even with her there...

Sorry to those who are still having a rough go of things.

I'm still doing great. 10 days in a row ever since I started Cymbalta. It's my miracle drug. After 2 years of the wrong combos. I feel fine! Which is excellent for me.

Thanks to everyone for all their support over the past year plus.

Yay Thinker!! WTG!!

I'm really glad things are going so well for you thinker22. I hope everything continues to go great.

Today, I am feeling, well, fuchsia. Not really blue with depression, but not really black with rage. I'm not red with anger, but I am not feeling just blah, which is brown to me. Orange is my excitement, but at the moment, I am getting used to my new meds, so no orange. I am tired and sort of zombie-fied, but not green or purple. I am just fuchsia, which, to me isn't really a color at all, or not a pretty one. I am tired, but I know that when I go to bed, I will be awake, so I will just deal with my fuchsia. Hope everyone has a good day tomorrow

I'm so happy for you thinker!! Maybe some will rub off on me.

OK, depressed and urges to sui but instead I set up an emergency appt. with my pdoc and he increased the Seroquel and added Pristiq. Maybe this will work or at least help. But frankly, I don't expect it to. Or at least it won't last if it does help. Nothing ever does, it's been this way for 20 years now. So yeah, the urge is there, but at least I won't do anything till after my T gets back next Thursday. So no worries, I am safe right now. I'm hoping I don;t have to go inpatient. If I do, my partner is going to be really pissed.