How I Feel Today. . . Open to all.

Nervous. I have work today. Not happy about it. Feel totally inadequate to handle it although I always have in the past. I guess I'll just leave early if my anxiety gets too out of control.

Innerzone sorry to hear about the hag that is frustrating you. I never could understand how anyone could be so mean to a child. I wish I had advice for you on what to do. It's such a touchy situation.

Lauru I hate that nothing is getting better for you. I'm glad you get to go see your T this week. I hope she is able to help. Wishing you the best.

Thinker22 I know the feeling about being nervous about going to work. Unfortunately the anxiety became to much for me and I had to quit my job. No love loss there though . . . lol. I hope your anxiety stays at bay and your work day goes well.

Today I am battling with myself over things needing to be done. The house needs cleaned and the lawn needs mowed. I just have no drive to get up and get started. I'm tired of struggling with this. I just wish I could go back to the way I used to be. I stayed on top of things no problem. Didn't usually leave much time for myself, but things got done. Does anyone have any advice on getting motivated?

Innerzone I can somewhat understand how you feel. My sister-in-law's parents went to Ohio and picked up their grandchildren (my s-i-l's two nephews and niece) about three weeks ago. I posted something on here yesterday, I think, about the oldest boy, who is fourteen. He (the oldest) is always getting yelled at and ridiculed. Saturday, he got yelled at in front of a b-day party full of people because he asked why they were going to church on sunday instead of sat. night. The grandmother wanted to stand him in the corner and embarrass him in front of everyone--he's fourteen!--because of his "attitude." The only thing I could do was to give him a big hug and tell him everything's going to be okay. I HATE the old crone. It takes a lot for me to hate someone, but she is just a hateful, spiteful, mean, vindictive old bitty of a hag. I hate her, hate her, hate her...i wish she'd drop dead. I would love to do something, but, she lives a few miles from me. I like to drop "hints" and smart-*** comments. I also like to talk "privately" to someone, ya know, a few feet away, just loud enough where the old witch can hear me. It feels good to see her face cringe. This is NOT the adult thing to do, however, and it probably doesn't help anything. I hope everything gets better, but if worse comes to worse, open the front door and scream your head off till you lose your voice. This is just going to be a waiting game unfortunately

Oh I hear ya Mady Johannah! I was thinking about this very thing when I first read your post.
Vjdragonfly, wish I did have some motivation hints. Seems I've either got it or not. The only trick I've ever found that works sometimes is to do one tiny thing. Good chance it'll lead to another tiny thing or two, but don't fret if it doesn't. The thing I usually hear in my mind prompting the second action is, "well, I might as well just do <whatever it is> while I'm up..."
Today I'm kind of tired. Tomorrow is the PMHNP appt, so I'll be getting my things and thoughts together and figuring out the directions to get there. So.... a little nervous too. Probably be more nervous if I wasn't so tired, so maybe tired is a good thing(!)

Good luck on your PMHNP appt. I hope all goes well.

Beyond Lonely...

Today I'm feeling quite...bored. Feeling like there's not too much to do!

Yoshi I am sorry you feel so lonely. We all are here for you.

melissa.recovering I feel you there. I feel like that most days although I have plenty I can do most of the time. Just no motivation to get it done. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

Today I am feeling my homelessness. Stayed with my mom for the weekend now I have to find somewhere else to be. Went back to my friends where I was staying but since I've been gone all weekend nobody cleaned a thing and the house reeks of dog ****. I was already feeling unwelcome there so I decided I'd rather sleep in my car. This older gentleman I know has offered to let me crash in his spare bedroom, thats triggering a lot of anxiety issues I have about past traumas but I need a place to be so I suppose here I am.

I am also very depressed and concerned/scared about whats going to happen in my life now. Feelin like Im at the end of my rope just waiting for the noose to tighten.

I am sad to hear everyones plight on here and apologize I have no advice to give out but know you guys are in my heart and I'm sending positive thoughts your way as best I can.

Denise26 I'm sorry to hear of your situation. I couldn't imagine what is like not knowing where I'm going to lay my head down each night. Although it is a fear of mine with the economy the way it is. I know there is not much I can say that will make things better. My heart goes out to you and hope things get better for you soon.

You guessed it.....Depressed. Feeling like I need to do something impulsive but I am trying not to. I do see T this week, possibly tomorrow, if not then Thursday. I am afraid to tell my partner that I am depressed again and feeling impulsive. She would flip out and get all stressed. Which stresses me out. I just don't know how much more of this I can stand.

Lauru: Way to fight the good fight against impulsivity! Hope you get in to see T tomorrow and can get some help going for you. Depression is a *****...

Me: Now I'm feeling confused and unsure of what to do. My dad is in another state going through Chemo and who knows how long he will live but he has offered to let me come stay there and *possibly* have my own room. It would mean having to adjust to a lot of things and A LOT of triggers but at least I would have somewhere I know I wont be kicked out of and I would be there if he needed me. I think I have the $$ to make the drive and he said he would help me if I needed him to, I just dont know how getting my psych stuff xsfrd or how it would effect my disability claim to move states. I do know my ex would probably hate having me back in town though... Thats a plus AND a minus in the list of whether to go or not.

Its the city I lived for the last 10yrs of my life and also where I was born, it has always felt like home but I am scared. I had only moved to where I am now because when we split last year I had no where to go...

But now I have nothing here, both of my sisters (who were not very supportive anyways) are moving out of state, my mom doesnt provide ANY support nor does my grandmother (they all live(ed) here where Im at now) I told my dad about my homelessness and he said I could come there.. I do miss home but its a dead town. At least I could be with my dad for the duration of his sickness and not feel like I have abandoned him when he may need me for support, also I know he would hug me and make me feel loved. I could only take what fits in my car and would have to leave everything else in my moms garage. Why does life have to be such a *****?

Well today I am a little apprehensive. My disability adjudicator said she could get the claim processed this week save for the fact that my pcod put on the paperwork that I have a marijuana problem. I explained to her that was before I got the Ativan for my panic and anxiety and have since came off it. She said she would have to speak with her supervisor and see if she could go off my word but that it may cause it to take a month longer (I suppose they would have to send me to another dr to see if I'm using) IDK please send positive thoughts my way for a quick approval this week....

Today, I am not sure how I feel. I am really tired, but that is due to the fact that I haven't quite gotten used to my meds yet. I am also just blah. Not really excited, but not having a debbie downer day either. Oh, it's another fuchsia day. I really hate that color. I feel stagnate and I can't move for falling on my face.

Lauru I know things are difficult right now and there is not much to hang onto, but just keep up taking it one day at a time. Hopefully your T will be able to help you out. I'm sorry you are still so depressed.

Denise26 It looks like you have a big decision in front of you. I can understand your dilema worrying about SSDI and moving to another state. You have already come so far. I'm hoping for your sake it will come through for you this week and that is one less thing you would have to worry about.

MaddyJohannah I'm sorry to hear you are having a not so good day. I hope tomorrow is better for you.

I'm still hanging in there. Life hasn't beaten me yet, but it fights a tough battle. I keep trying to make myself do the things that need to be done, but I just end up sitting on the couch and do nothing. I am so tired of feeling this way. All I want to do is be in a semi normal state of mind. One in which I don't have to look at all things I haven't accomplished and feel guilty that I'm not getting them done. I so feel like the bipolar commercial where the people are blending into the background. I feel like a bad mom, because I don't feel up to doing things with my children. They deserve so much more then I can give. I just don't know how to bring myself out of this funk. Wishing for better days ahead.

vjd Thinking of you and hoping that you feel better soon. Have you had your meds adjusted recently? Maybe you're not on the right anti-depressant.

Me today: anxious. I need to work on my writing...rework a short story, but I'm procrastinating as long as possible. I woke up very early for me today and couldn't get back to sleep. So the hours of the morning seem interminable. I'm just going to do it. I'm going to work on that short story right after I post this, so help me.

thinker22 thanks! They just put me on prozac 20mg a month ago, I'm thinking they might need to up it, but I don't go back to my med doc until Sept.
Good luck on your short story, I hope everything comes to you naturally.

Can you call them and tell them it's not helping your depression? Like can they phone in a prescription to the pharmacy for the next higher dose?

Short story turned out okay. I'm always insecure about the end product, but I posted it on my writers' site. Too nervous to see if anyone's reviewed it yet.

Same thing, different day. I've got two days before I see T. I hope that's not too late. I don't want to drink or do anything impulsive. So I am fighting these urges as best I can. Feel like **** though.

Thinker: Glad to hear you got your story written and hope it gave you a sense of accomplishment. You should definitely reward yourself for it!

Vj: I agree with Thinker could you not call them and have them up it if you think that will help? I hope you can get them adjusted sooner than september.

Lauru: Don't see it as 2 days, take it as one hour at a time. Like ok for this hour I'm going to .... then when thats over (unless your feeling it for longer) say ok for this hour (or even minute) I'm going to .... Hopefully before you know it you can make it to T and she/he can help with this depression you are in. Sending positive thoughts your way =)

Me: Well I drove for 6hrs with me, my dog and all my stuff piled in it to my dads in Ga. He said I could come home ( its weird I didnt grow up here, didnt even know him until I was in my teens then started a 3yr long process to move here. Went to Fl last yr) now he is telling me I can come home knowing my situation and my mom still wants to charge me rent to be at her house (the parent I grew up with)

I am just so thankful for my dad and that I took the opportunity to get to know him early enough in my youth and am getting now to have this time with him (he has high stage lung cancer) I dont know what I will do when he is no longer in my life. I hope I go first...

This morning I woke up feeling better than I have in awhile.. It's nice to be home in Ga again, I certainly missed it. I have no place in Fl.. I feel at peace with the world right now, and since right now is all we ever have I'm trying to just enjoy it and not worry about what needs to be done next.. Hoping my disability will go through soon and I can begin to build my life back up... Trying to keep positive thoughts in my head.. As we all know that can be difficult and something that has to consciously/ forcibly done at times...

Wishing you all the best for today!

Thinker22 congrats on getting your short story finished. I hope you will get great reviews.

Lauru keep doing what your doing to make it through. I know it is difficult but it is possible.

Denise26 I'm glad you made it to your Dad's alright. I hope things will start to turn around for you. You definitely need some good in your life right now.

As far as my meds being up, I just have to wait till my appt. I go to a clinic that does the sliding fee scale and well to say the least they are not much help in between times. But it is the only way I can afford help. So I am thankful for what I have.

vjd, sorry to hear that. I am starting at a clinic too. The county mental health office. They seem incredibly busy and like I will only get to see a pdoc every month or two and they probably won't help in between. They were supposed to call me "early" this week, but no call. Maybe I should call them because if I don't find out when I first get to see a p-doc I won't know if I need my old one to write me more rx's to make it through to the time I can see the new one. What a mess. Sorry you have to suffer and wait.

Thanks thinker22. I'm sorry you have to go to the county mental health office. I know that it is better then nothing, but the whole hurry up and wait thing is a pain in the ***. I feel like they should have more in between visits help, but they don't. At least not where I go. I hope it is better for you.

I am so relieved right now. I was dreading mowing my huge ***, overgrown lawn today that I worked myself into an anxiety attack. I know that sounds stupid, but I did all the same. Turned out my brother -in- law done it for me.
I am so grateful. It's so amazing that such a small gesture, well not that small, would make such a big difference. I am so relieved that I don't have to tackle that overgrown mess. Thank God for small blessings.