[blueoctober]

It's official I do still have bipolar............ Crap LOL!

[sugahorse1]

Lol - I think we need to make peace with this diagnosis, lol!

[Trippin2.0]

Guess suga's right...

At least I think my meds are working, there is commentary about me not being so "much" anymore... I've lost my muchness.

I still feel all the symptoms of my hypomania, but somehow don't enact upon it... eg. Light and sound sensitivity, racing thoughts blah di blah di blah...I miss my hypomania, it was my favorite me, and for a while I thought it was the TRUE me...

My depressions are not as regular as clockwork any longer, they were usually untriggered, now I THINK it takes a trigger to set it off... not too sure as this "muchless me" is still very new, but that's how I see it.

I hated the never ending emotional roller-coaster, and it's sorta nice to know the difference between coming and going, but I feel like I lost something, like a part of me died with the birth of this mellow me... does that make sense?

I think I'm just being emo now, end rant.

[sugahorse1]

It's much easier to continue with a productive life if you manage to get off the rollercoaster - leave the hypomania behind, as you know in the long run it's only detrimental.
I've had a few triggered depressive episodes, except for yesterday morning, but it left after a few hours

[sanityseeker]

I am with you guys when it comes to accepting the dx consistently. I have noticed a lot more of the rapid variety of cycling then I think I ever experienced before. Through my 20's, 30's and even 40's I would have prolonged episodes of either depression or hypomania with equally long periods of relative level. It could just be selective memory but I think its different now. If I am not in a full blown episode I am cycling between the two almost daily. When this is my reality I don't question the dx other then to think maybe I have a half a dozen concurrent conditions adding to the complexities of it all.

When I manage to have a few days or more episode free is when I question the dx. Its a funny thing how the brain works. A few days of level and I start to think either I am cured or the dx was bogus and it was all just me being oversensitive and self-absorbed. From that perspective I think it is all just a matter of self control. At least until I crash or fly and am challenged to find level again.

[Trippin2.0]

I hear it's detrimental, but honestly I don't see it,I don't see ANYTHING negative about hypomania I just miss it SO BAD,maybe I was addicted to it or something, IDK.

I hear what you mean about a productive life, but I don't see the use in productivity if my existence is just that... me existing...

I feel like I've lost my muchness, my edge. Not quite like a zombie android, but not far off either...

I will continue to monitor my behavior, if this persists or get's worse, I'm gonna have a word with my pdoc and find out if this state is "normalcy" cos gee I really wanted it, but dammit, it's BORING!

I'm acting like a spoilt brat now hey? end rant.

[sanityseeker]

I understand where you are coming from Trip. I think we all know that love hate relationship with mania. The best times in my life happened when I was manic. Why wouldn't I love mania?

What finally turned me around to see mania as the abusive lover are the crashes. I can't take the crashes as well as I used to. It gives me a different perspective on the mania. Its just not worth it anymore. Of course when the mania hits with all its over the top energy and enthusiasm and creativity and brilliance.... I fall in love again and have to do battle with my reckless self to reallign my priorities.

I am hardly the authority on med treatment (that's an understatement says she who is med phobic) but based on what I have heard others around here say it may be a med adjustment can pull back the zombie effect. Keep working it because again based on other reports it takes time to find the right medication, dosage and\or combination that works for you.

Yes mania can be a dream state but sadly it doesn't last and the after effects are cause enough to cut the love affair.

Wishing you success in your search for the meds that give you the normalcy you want without it zapping away your muchness. Take good care.

[Trippin2.0]

Thanks sanityseeker

I'd very much like to keep my muchness, who knows maybe it's not dead and gone, just lying dormant with the med tweak??

I've always been described as extroverted, vibrant, flamboyant (by others) and I don't feel like that anymore, and it saddens me, but then I feel guilty for the sadness b/c I at least have some sense of normalcy now, where others are not as lucky... It's almost like I've become more introverted, less involved in my surroundings, YUCK.

IDK, really IDK, but I guess I'll just ride it out and speak to my pdoc.

Thanks for reading my selfish spoilt brat rants...

[sanityseeker]

Hopefully some tweeking will do the trick. You deserve to find your vibrant self again. I don't think that is selfish at all. I mean, nobody wants to go through life without their passion.

Good on you for persisting with your pdoc. I get that you are anxious to find a state of being that is satisfying and not just drama free. Keep working for it and it will come. That is the hope we share.

[Trippin2.0]

[sanityseeker]

My pleasure. Hope you have a great day. I am off to bed now. It's pushing 2am in my part of the world. Sleep does not come easy for me so I usually avoid making the effort. I have been trying to change that lately by sticking to an 11pm bedtime but its been hit and miss so far. Tonight would be a miss. LOL. Maybe I will be lucky and fall asleep before 3am rolls around.

[Trippin2.0]

I hope u get some rest, I've been having the same horrible battle, so I empathize completely♥

Sweet dreams XOXO