[JustAPixie]

Maybe this should go in relationship, but it's the bipolar that started it all... I'm having so much trouble talking to my husband at the moment. He just doesn't get me. I asked him today if he knows anything about bipolar and really understands it. He thinks it's just some days up and some days down. I told him that he should learn more about it and then he will understand me better. His reply was: I don't think it will help me understand you...
What do i do? Is he right? So many times have I explained to him very calmly that I need him to be more concerned, but it feels like i'm just a piece of furniture. Some times I feel like I should run away for self preservation, but the only thing that will accomplish is me losing the only man I ever loved and ever want to love. It hurts me so much to love him. We are seeing a counselor, but they both think if they can "fix" me that everything will be better. It doesn't get any better, no matter how hard I talk, nag, fight, beg etc. I tell him what I want and he forgets the next day.

[PT52]

Originally Posted by JustAPixie

Maybe this should go in relationship, but it's the bipolar that started it all... I'm having so much trouble talking to my husband at the moment. He just doesn't get me. I asked him today if he knows anything about bipolar and really understands it. He thinks it's just some days up and some days down. I told him that he should learn more about it and then he will understand me better. His reply was: I don't think it will help me understand you...
What do i do? Is he right? So many times have I explained to him very calmly that I need him to be more concerned, but it feels like i'm just a piece of furniture. Some times I feel like I should run away for self preservation, but the only thing that will accomplish is me losing the only man I ever loved and ever want to love. It hurts me so much to love him. We are seeing a counselor, but they both think if they can "fix" me that everything will be better. It doesn't get any better, no matter how hard I talk, nag, fight, beg etc. I tell him what I want and he forgets the next day.

I know exactly how you feel. My husband doesn't get it either, he isn't interested in learning more about it or even talking about it too much. Here's how I see it: most men are "fixers". You tell them the sink is clogged, next thing you know they've got a wrench in hand. BP is something they can't fix and then they feel not only inadequate, but guilty too. Which is why they tend to block these things out. The good news is that I'm sure he loves you as much as you love him.

It doesn't get any better, no matter how hard I talk, nag, fight, beg etc. I tell him what I want and he forgets the next day.

Here's what helped me..I quit talking, nagging, fighting and begging (well, most of the time, anyway ). I count on him to help in the ways he knows how. "Fixers" like to follow directions, too. If they're putting something together, they have to have explicit instructions. If all they have is a picture of the finished product, they just won't (or can't) do it. Telling him he needs to be more concerned is like giving him a picture without instructions. Instead, I've found it useful to just say "Today I am...", or "Right now I need..." and make it specific to the moment. But you also have to accept that he may not react the way you want. That's the hardest part; accepting that the only person you can change is you. But I bet if you make a habit of stating your specific need and accept whatever he is able to give in response, that you will see changes in him, too. Don't give up on the love of your life..

[LaraLynn]

Awww sweetie, I am sorry you are having problems with your love. I have some great information I can get for you. There is a needs assessment that can really help pinpoint each others needs this has helped a lot in my marriage. Let me see if I can get it for you tomorrow.

[JustAPixie]

Thanks PT52, it helps to know that I'm not the only one struggling with this, and it helps me believe that it is not that he doesn't care, just that he doesn't know HOW to do it...

Any information would be appreciated LaraLynn, I'll even swim in horse dung if it will help!

[sugahorse1]

My bf doesn't get it either. I try wear a mask and hide my feelings

[NoneGiven30]

Wow, this sounds so familiar!!! My bf tells me he wants to understand, is trying to understand, does understand a lil & then.....he says something like "Im tired of your attitude" ummm its not attitude, its me being so irritable that the anger and irritability inside me is so overwhelming that I dont know what to do with myself, or how to control myself, my thoughts or my words .....or he will say "how can you go from crying to arguing in a matter of seconds?" MOOD SWINGS PERHAPS!!!??!?!
This is why I am taking him to my T on Friday afternoon, so I can talk to him & her @ the same time, so she can explain bipolar, & also get to understand me better after hearing what he has to say.
I think they mean well, but theyre men, & men dont always approach things with care & understanding.

[bipolarbearmania]

My husband has a hard time understanding it too and there are days when I feel like he is not even trying to understand. (((HUGS)))

I know it is hard to be married to me, bu sometimes I want to just scream try BEING stuck inside my head.

[Wantabenormal]

I know what you mean. My husband doesn't understand me either. We actually had a discussion last night about my condition. I ended up crying and his words to me were "This is why I don't like to talk about this stuff because you get so emotional".

His non-understanding has driven a wedge between us. We don't talk, we just exist.

I asked him to go to my next appointment with me to my Pdoc in hopes of talking to the doctor and getting some information on why I am the way I am. I hoping it will be an educational experience for him.

[kitty004567]

Good luck to you all in your relationships. I guess I've been lucky, the guys I've been with since I've been diagnosed have been very supportive and understanding. I hope you all can make peace in your households.

Originally Posted by bipolarbearmania

... sometimes I want to just scream try BEING stuck inside my head.

Soooo hear you!!! How easy it is for them (or anyone who doesn't have such things) to think they'd handle it sooo much better -- but they can only see it from how their brain operates(!) They may never truly understand (in fact, I contend that it is inherently impossible), but education can go a long way in helping.

My ex dealt with me for almost 25 years pre-proper dx. After dx he'd go off on me dragging up all the very things the BP was controlling(!!!) like I'd done it all on purpose. Ok, so now it had a name, I was doing the right things to bring it in line and suddenly he "couldn't deal" with my mood swings(?!) Whaaa? After 20-some years of (pretty much) dealing with it? Then (well, one time anyway) said he'd acted like a real ***, and that he'd need to learn more to make this work. Sounds great, right? But he never did.

Fortunately now I have a BF who is understanding and accepting. I'd thrown the BP card on the table early, not wanting to go through all that again. He's also got some mental issues, so it helps as a 2 way street with empathy. (It can be tricky though, not triggering each other...)

You've got a great idea with bringing him to talk with a professional, but if your counselor also has a "fix it and make it all better" attitude (keeping in mind that there are things that can help. Not eliminate, but help...), maybe your P-doc would be an even better expert for him to talk to? So often people do respond better to hearing information from experts, because they have no reason to "make excuses" (which it may feel like to them hearing about it from the sufferer). (And if they're not inclined to read books...)Does that make any sense?

Good luck and keep us posted, ok?

[sugahorse1]

Some partners will make the effort to understand, and others couldn't be bothered. It sure helps to have someone that understands though.
Holding thumbs for you that things get better!

[JustAPixie]

Wow, it sounds like a lot of people go through this... Reading the frustration is some of the posts I couldn't help but smile and nod, that is exactly how I'm feeling. He wouldn't be so aloof about the whole thing if the shoe was on the other foot!!! We see the counsellor this afternoon after a long absence, don't know if I'm happy or not, only time will tell.

[sugahorse1]

Holding thumbs for a good meeting with the counsellor. Be strong and know what your wants and needs are for your relationship

[PT52]

Sending you both peaceful and positive vibes..

[JustAPixie]

We went to the counsellor. I am leaving him.

[PT52]

Originally Posted by JustAPixie

We went to the counsellor. I am leaving him.

sorry to hear that...hope you will be okay

[sugahorse1]

Wow - big step Pixie - if there's any support we can offer, pls let us know, ok???

[JustAPixie]

I know it's a nig step, and it's a hasty decision I made after a late night fight. That probaly wasn't one of my finer moments... I just struggle to feel the reality of the situation, I don't feel anything about it, no relief, no pain, nothing! We are still in the same house, not making any plans 'cause it just hasn't sunk in yet. We watched a movie together last night in silence... I made dinner etc. The silence is so overwhelming now, but to be honest, it wasn't really different before. I hate that counsellor! I had to refrain myself from pucnhing him in the nose. He is so biased against women, he doesn't even listen to what I say, so I stripped my moer and told him to shove it... Then I told my husband to shove it... I'm was so angry with my husband, and now I get a bit of peace because I don't have to be angry anymore, I just don't give a rat's ....

[JustAPixie]

Adding to my previous post, I must admit that it was stupid and hasty and I'm just too proud to start talking first... So I'm waiting for him to crack... and I guess he is waiting for me? WHY ARE MEN SO DIFFICULT????????