[ladyjrnlist]

This is the first time I've shared any of this outside my family and therapist. Thought maybe this could help me by sharing.
I started getting treatment for depression when I was 14. I suffered emotional and physical abuse from multiple family members and later my first husband.
The antidepressants helped make me functional. Turns out much later that hypomania was what made me functional. In my early 20s, I had a breakdown and had to move back in with my mother for two weeks. I barely moved, cried all the time...the usual. I was put on new meds for depression and hypomania took me back to life. I lived that way for years.
I have a stressful job, but see great success when manic but also great trouble when depressed. I used to get in trouble at work a lot because I was hateful and angry and popped off at the mouth a lot.
Fast forward to last year. Decided at 35 to have a total hysterectomy to control PMDD, which I now realize was mania. The surgery threw me into the worst depressive episode yet. I found a new Pdoc and he diagnosed Bipolar II. It runs in my family. My brother and father are Bipolar I.
After five months of a continuous downward spiral, I crashed in March this year.
My Pdoc hospitalized me for three days while he adjusted my meds. After three days out of the hospital, I crashed again. This time it was hospital or...you know. I laid in a hospital bed for three days crying and begging God to take me.
I got meds adjusted up and Pdoc started me on ECT. I had three ECT treatments before they had to stop because I was going out of control during the recovery from anesthesia.
After 10 days in the hospital, I began intensive outpatient therapy and psychiatric care at a partial hospitalization program. After six weeks, my insurance gave me the boot and I continue with my Pdoc and therapist.
I learned a lot in therapy and still am. My therapist is a gem.
I can control myself better and talk away a lot of automatic negative thoughts that come with depression. I have started grad school in an attempt to find a job better suited to bipolar. I still work part time at the job.
I am blessed with a good support network.
But, I continue to struggle with mood swings. I've been blue for two weeks now. I can function, which is important to note, but it is difficult. I am taking six or seven different meds, eating a sugar-free, gluten-free diet and taking a regimen of supplements and vitamins in order to lessen the severity of the mood swings.
These things have worked, but depression still is very painful for me. I have to remind myself that I came out of it twice before and I can come out of it again this time.
Friends and coworkers have a hard time understanding how I can be so upbeat one week and so down the next. I rapid cycle. I just tell them I'm tired or sick or something.
I hate feeling out of control or that I'm losing control. Control is very important to me. That started when I was young and had to look out for myself because nobody else could or would.
I've gained 50 pounds on Lithium, which pisses me off. But, it was the last drug the Pdoc tried. He didn't want to do that to me, but we were desperate. I guess the benefits outweigh the costs on that drug for me.
OK. There it is. I'll stop here.
Thanks for listening.

[youngm357]

Thanks for sharing

[blueoctober]

Originally Posted by ladyjrnlist

These things have worked, but depression still is very painful for me. I have to remind myself that I came out of it twice before and I can come out of it again this time.

Thanks for sharing ladyjrnlist. I could relate to a lot of your post. I often remind myself that when I'm having a depressive episode that it will lift. It always does, but at that time it's hard to believe. I hope the depression lifts for you soon.

[kitty004567]

Thanks for sharing. I hope you feel better soon!

[sugahorse1]

Hi and welcome
Thanks for sharing your story with us. I'm sorry you're going through a bad time - I know things will lift and get better for you

[PT52]

Thanks for sharing your story with us - I think we all know how difficult that can be. You have done some amazing things to try to improve your situation; so many people just give up. I hope you can focus on your strength, your support system, the initiative you've taken to be your own advocate. I hope you feel better soon.

[Trippin2.0]

Thanks for sharing your story with us!!!

I hope you fell better sOOn♥

[midnight_soul]

As I read your story, I see so much of my life in yours. Jump forward to my present day, I have been doing the ECT treatments and I HATE it so I am going to stop. They are painful for me, and I can't remember a darn thing that is important unless my husband reminds me over and over. I just got out of the mental hospital because I was suicidal, and in some ways I still am but, like you, our insurance informed my husband that he needed to get me out because we have reached our yearly limit of care. That pisses me off.....how can a life, meaning my own trying to get help run out of "value" as far as insurance goes? So I am home now, all bruised and broken from treatments.

I am not sure I want to live any way. I have a good husband, however, i just got out and one of his friends offered him a free NASCAR ticket and he said yes, meaning I will be left alone all weekend. Am I selfish by wanting him to stay with me? He knows this upsets me but he is going any way.

Sorry, I got sidetracked there. You are loved and welcomed here no matter what you may say or feel. This place is my life line because it is a place that I can vent and I know that SOME ONE will be able to relate and that I am not alone in spirit. Keep posting, we will always listen.

[sugahorse1]

I'm sorry to hear where you're at Midnight.
I can understand getting upset when you're left at home alone - especially when you area going through what you are at the moment. Try and stay with a friend, or get them to come to you. I went through the same thing last week. Wed I was really sui. My boyfriend had also gone away Wed morning and was only coming back on Sunday. I slipped into MAJOR depression, and for my own safety and comfort, I jumped on a plane to visit my friend and stay with her for the weekend. Please look after yourself

[RyuB]

are any of the supplements and vitamins the 'natural health food' store kind of thing (i'm not sure what the correct term is)

is your doctor totally away that you are taking these extras? because sometimes you can be taking an overdose of vitamins, which can make it worse, and some of the natural herb health food stuff can make things worse too. for example, a person with depression should stay away from those teas or herbs that help you sleep, because they are natural depressants and can aggravate your condition. just saying.

[ladyjrnlist]

Originally Posted by RyuB

are any of the supplements and vitamins the 'natural health food' store kind of thing (i'm not sure what the correct term is)

is your doctor totally away that you are taking these extras? because sometimes you can be taking an overdose of vitamins, which can make it worse, and some of the natural herb health food stuff can make things worse too. for example, a person with depression should stay away from those teas or herbs that help you sleep, because they are natural depressants and can aggravate your condition. just saying.

Oh yeah. My Pdoc knows all the vitamins and supplements I'm taking. He approved them all. Thanks for the pointers.

[wing]

You've done an amazing job managing your bipolar symptoms. I'm especially impressed that you are still working part-time and going to school. Much success to you.
The mood swings are always with me, but with the right medications and lifestyle I've been able to manage them.You're on the right track. The only thing i would add is exercise. It really helps keep the depression at bay.
You can draw on the stories of others here for support and encouragement. Welcome.

[ladyjrnlist]

Originally Posted by wingin'it

You've done an amazing job managing your bipolar symptoms. I'm especially impressed that you are still working part-time and going to school. Much success to you.
The mood swings are always with me, but with the right medications and lifestyle I've been able to manage them.You're on the right track. The only thing i would add is exercise. It really helps keep the depression at bay.
You can draw on the stories of others here for support and encouragement. Welcome.

Thanks! I forgot to mention that I do cardio five times a week. So, got that one down too.
Lost the part-time job yesterday. Layoffs. Maybe it's for the best.

[midnight_soul]

Bless your heart! I know that was hard to share.....but you did it and deserve a good pat on the back. I can't imagine what you are going trough entirely, but I can imagine some of it due to I am living it. Sucks. I have a hard time keeping friends except for one who I have shared every side of me. Some times she gets really pi**ed off at me but she ALWAYS comes back. She is a real trooper and I love her to pieces. I admit I have put her through hell and back buy my constant ranting when I see her because I don't have any one else to talk with about my deep pain except for my husband. However, he and I have fought really bad ALL weekend so far because he says he can't take it ALL the time SO.....I need to try to get a grip for my marriage sake. I don't want to make him sound like a bad man because he isn't. He has stayed by my side for the past 6 1/2 years and supported me through so much. Not many men out there like the one I have. He is just tired that's all. So he has agreed to due the free support groups held every other week for people that have been in the mental hospital as I have twice since I have lived in Texas. I was also in them 3 times before I got here, I knew I was going to lose my kids to their evil father and I did every thhing I could to stop it but in the end....he won so.....I lost it and broke down and to this day I have a hard time with that. I don't know how to be just a wife with out my children. Anyway, are there any support groups you could go to? They really do help. Plus they are free. If you are interested but don't know how to locate them let me know and I will help if you like.

Good Luck