[123crazyornot]

Ok so don't know if I mentioned in another thread, ( memory crap and no motivation to look, so sorry if I repeat myself).

I was finally diagnosed with CFS?ME plus RLS a couple of weeks ago by Neuro, so at least I have a diagnosis for the body but the mind is getting worse. I had a total of 4 panic attacks this week over 2 days, highly irritable, talkative and highly volatile, my mind never stops. This morning I freaked myself out by getting woken early by someone shouting my name resulting in me shuffling half asleep to the door to find no one there followed by laughter in my head like I was the butt of a joke or something, very weird! How is it possible to scream at yourself in your own head so loudly to wake up and then hear laughter, it makes no sense!

Yesterday I was at my weekly physio when she took me to a private room, ( unusual), sat me down and asked what was wrong? I said I was fine and she replied that I loooked as though I was about to burst into tears and that I looked knackered and my right hand was jerking around like it was possessed, unnoticed by me until she pointed it out and I had to keep grabbing it to stop! She said that she thought that it was useless for us to carry on physio at the mo as I mentally was not "in the right place", to continue! I was amazed she actually saw "me", and was trying to help. Very touched. She then asked for permission to call my GP as she wanted to talk to him about the circumstances of her effecively signing me off physio. I agreed but am now worried because I kind of slagged him off a bit by implying he gave me the Diclofenic and Diazapam, ( his rec for the muscle pain I get), without much consultation as though he kind of fobbed me off with meds. Now I feel guilty as although it happened the way I said, I now feel so disloyal toward the GP that I cannot make the appt she made me promise I would make, so now I feel more guilty!

What the hell is going on with me?
I feel so weird and scared and angry all at once and I just can't face the GP through shame and fear that he will not take me seriously! I can't take anymore fobbing off! It has been a 5 year cycle now of being passed through the medical proffessionals and all I am getting out of it is frustation and enerally getting worse and losing the plot!

I'm so sorry this turned out to be so long but it can't be helped.

Please can anyone tell me whats going on? Do you recognise behaviours that are Bipolar linked because I do and as yet undiagnosed, I'm terrified that without a proper diagnosis and medication, it will get even worse. According to psyche O have no type 1 disorder, so explain how a sane person would do these things cause I can't.

I'm in the tunnel heading toward insanity and I can't see a way out!!

Welcome 123crazyornot! I'm not sure I have any answers, but did want to say I've read your post a couple of times and am not entirely clear (but don't worry, it's me, I'm very tired)... am wondering though... when you mention the CFS and the RLS, were you given any meds for these? If so, was it before any of the other stuff happened? Couldn't help but wonder if that was a factor at all, since you don't indicate that any of the other stuff has happened to you before...

[lonegael]

123 crazy or not, i second what innerzone is asking. What might be happening is if you have tendencies to a bipolar condition or another psychiatric condition, the medications might be exacerbating the symtoms. I imagine that with the pain that you have and the other physical problems you are under a great deal of stress and that should not be ignored, either. Are you seeing anyone who can help you with coping with your physical issues, daily living, all that? Do you have anyone living with you that you can turn to?

If I am not wrong, this are really big issues hon. I'd hate to think of you being left alone with them, even if you didn't suspect some psychiatric involvement also. Are you on the chronic conditions forum here? Maybe you can try running your med list by there and see if it rings bells there, since may of the people on this forum also are there. Or some of the other folks.
I really hope you can find someone who can help you with this. I can recognize some of the stuff you are talking about, more in the general sense of feeling that all is not well and people aren't taking you seriously. I'm glad the one Physiotherapist saw and heard you. HUGGGGGGGGGGSSSSSS and let us know how you are doing, OK?

[wing]

In addition to having your physical problems flare up, I think you are experiencing a mixed episode, 123. A good place to start is your GP, but i am of the opinion that the only way to tell if you have bipolar is to see a psychiatrist. It will be a relief to you to find out for sure, because then you can begin to heal mentally as well as physically. Add my hug to the rest...

[123crazyornot]

Hi and thanks everyone for your kind words of support, it is appreciated.

To answer some questions, when I got the diagnosis of CFS/ME plus RLS I was told there are medications available to me but I already had the Diclofenic, (for muscle spasms) and the Diazapam from the GP but as the body is not too bad at the mo , I haven't needed to take anything. The only med I take is over the counter paracetamol for the constant headaches with the odd Migralieve thrown in. So the mental health issues are not med related and they have been going on for nearly 5 years now in various states of intensity.

I have been visiting the Pdoc for 4 years with no diagnosis no matter what state I go to see them and believe me there have been major swings in mood and emotion between these sessions which they could not have missed but apparently I'm fine. They have tried to pawn me off to therapy twice now and both assesments have found me unsuitable for treatment!

Weird thing is when I first went to the GP 5 years ago when I started feeling a bit "off", I was put on Prozac which resulted in me undertaking some strange behaviour ie: Driving over a 100 miles round trip for a pack of smoothies I don't even like! Finding that I had driven myself to the local hills in the midle of the night because I wanted fresh air! Suffice to say I stopped the Prozac and changed to Citalopram, (this was when my GP referred me to Pdoc), I was still acting weird on Cit so after an anxious call to the GP he called mental health support and they added Chlopromazine. 2 mths on no change and me getting worse, I was taken off both meds and given Trazadone. Then I went to see Pdoc and they took me off the Trazadone and said I did not need meds despite the fact I was sitting there shaking, in tears and saying how scared I was at the changes in me! Fast froward 5 years and here I am, abandoned by Pdoc, disbelieved and in all honesty I believe I am manic, ( took manic quiz on this site last night and scored 67).

So after 2 GP's, 6 Pdocs, 2 therapists, 2/3 physios and a Neuro exam, I have been given ME/CFS as a diagnosis.

I am grateful that physically I know whats going on but mentally I am falling apart and looking at the list, is it any surprise I don't hold much hope for treatment.

So in a nutshell, I am on no meds so that is not the reason for my mental state though I understand why you asked Innerzone plus my mental health was deteriorating before the physical stuff happened.

As meds are not to blame as I don't take any, I can only assume that whatever mentally is happening is pure and not med started although I do wonder if that first Prozac all those years ago started a chain reaction plus I know that in an undiagnosed Bipolar patient, you cannot give a SSRI withoout a mood stabilizer or they might go manic, well isn't that what happened!

I'm just so disallusioned with the docs that I've ended up here again for support as it is just me and my 13year old and it's not fair that she has to put up with a mum that is as mad as a brush and unpredictable to boot.

I know you will say see the GP and get a referral back to psyche but really whats the point? I can't knock my head off that wall again, I'm just not strong enough to take that rejection again as I technically have meds in the house that I could take to make it all go away permanently and the fear is that I know I'm capable of doing it if I get rejected as "your fine", once more. I can't and won't put myself through it again. Indeed I believe half the problem is their fault for allowing it to get to this level by not listening to me.

I'm lost and scared and disallusioned so where so I go now?

[123crazyornot]

Last time I felt like this I went and bought a car I could not afford, parked it outside with all the paperwork legal ie: I taxed, MOT and insured it. Drove it about 3 times then left it sitiing there until I scapped it a couple of months ago because It wouldn't start one day and I got so angry I never went near it for nearly a year. I spent hours looking out my window watching iit with pure hatred. Then went to Morocco on a whim meaning I could only afford heat part of the house followed by buying a sewing machine and tailors dummy because I wanted to make my own clothes though I have no experience which resulted in a nice top which I got complimented on and suddenly in my head I was the new Chanel. That wore off when I couldn't get the next design to work and so not touched the machine again. Now I am itching to buy another car though I know that as I barely leave the house it would be a waste of money and besides I can't afford it.

It's nearly Christmas and I can't afford to go off the rails right now but the urges to spend are getting high again and I'm struggling to fight it

[blueoctober]

Originally Posted by 123crazyornot

It's nearly Christmas and I can't afford to go off the rails right now but the urges to spend are getting high again and I'm struggling to fight it

I struggle with this as well. Perhaps you could look into to getting in with a therapist that specializes in mood disorders or join a face to face support group for shopping addiction?

I'm sorry you have struggled with finding a pdoc that listens. I'm sure it's frustrating, but I believe it's necessary for you to keep looking. I would suggest looking for a pdoc that specializes in mood disorders.

[LaraLynn]

One of the things you mentioned is your hand jerking around. Is this still happening? There is something that can start to happen because of a lot of the medications we take and if not stopped soon it can become permanent and that is called Tardive Dyskinesia and it is a movement disorder caused by the medication. You treat it immediately by giving the patient Benadryl upon seeing symptoms. I am not sure if you have this, but it might be and I would see my Pdoc ASAP. Your had jerking is ones one of the symptoms I was told to look for in me and my children as two of them take meds that would cause this as well and have been told to give them the benadryl and make the appt. after because if it goes on for too long it can become permanent.

[123crazyornot]

lol Blueoctober I can assure you I don't have a shopping addiction! I'm not in debt, have no credit cards and by nothing unless I have the cash though it may mean scrimping in other areas at times. The point I was making was that I recognise the sign that I am basically flying high is when I am as irritable as I am and suddenly feel the need to focus on something which can be anything and at the mo it's the car thing. It's the urge that is the worry in that I find it so hard to resist. I know how weak that sounds but it's obsessional in that I physically don't sleep, research constantly and do what I must to achieve the goal no matter what. It's scary the lengths I go to and I don't know how to stop it!

Lara - I don't take meds so the hand shaking was not a med side effect, I don't know what it was exactly!

I know you all think a trip to the Pdoc will sort this out but after the experiences that I have had, I don't exactly hold out much hope they will help as they haven't before during previous "episodes". According to them, if you can describe a mental illness then you don't have it. Their words not mine. So tell me how I am meant to have faith in these people?

[Ryask]

Originally Posted by 123crazyornot

I know you all think a trip to the Pdoc will sort this out but after the experiences that I have had, I don't exactly hold out much hope they will help as they haven't before during previous "episodes". According to them, if you can describe a mental illness then you don't have it. Their words not mine. So tell me how I am meant to have faith in these people?

I think after reading your posts you are actually quite effective at describing your symptoms. Perhaps your not good at voicing them, maybe you don't know what to say or how to say it. Have you ever considered writing a letter or post just like you have done here and bringing that to a doctor? Ask that he refure you to a pdoc. Start that session with handing the doctor the letter/post and saying i have a hard time voicing whats been going on so here it is. I'm not a doctor but i can tell you some of your symptoms are like a mirror of some of my own, and i have bi-polar and i could not have even hoped to get better without some psychiatric help, and i am certain that it will be the same for you. There are good doctors and bad ones, don't paint them all with the same brush, while it's unfortunate that you haven't had good experiences with the ones you have seen, try to realize that it really is in your own best interest to try again to find someone who can help. It wont be easy but i can assure you getting help with be worth it!

[lonegael]

123, are you locked into having to go to the same p-doc, therapist, etc by your insurance? If this is the case I could see why you are reluctant to go back to the same people who appear to be mismanaging your right now. Is there some way to break out of this if this is so? Can you go to the emergency room when you are feeling out of control, talk to a relative or a friend to hlep you get to one? I know this can get expensive, but having some other professional's observations of you manic or severely depressed might help either move you into antoehr bracket of care and either 1) get you seen by someone else or 2)make your current "doctors" (I'm being diplomatic here) wake up a bit.
I second Ryask, please don't tar all p-docs with the same pbrush; I had one who refused to listen and made me very, very ill. Another Dr. in his group moved in and within 5 minutes of seeing me knew what was happening and hauled my rapidly deteriorating bacon out of the fire. In two-three days I was no longer psychotic and back to my usually annoying bipolar self. The first man nearly destroyed my life, and the second, well, he ended up not only giving it back to me, but later even improving on it. A good Dr. and a good man. They are out there. HUGGGGSSSSS; and faith, hon.