[widgets]

I dont understand how so many people manage to go through life, just riding it as it comes and coping!!
I cant do it, i understand that being Bipolar has serious effect on this.
I NEED pause button, but i ALWAYS need a pause button.
I've set my life up, i made so many changes because i was so depressed then my mood went sky high and i was coping with those changes, now i just want to go and hide in a nice warm cupboard for a few months.
This time last year i worked full time in a bank, my performance as sales woman had gone from 5th in the area to 72nd in the space of two months, i went into the worst depressive state of my life, i was living with my best friend and i couldnt see a way out, after a few months, my mood gradually improved, in Jan i moved in with my mum, in April i decided i was going to college, so i saved my money up and in August i left the bank and september went to college, i got myself a nice little job in a charity shop across the road from where i live.
And apart from mania that hit in september life was good, the mania ACTUALLY helped, cause it meant i started college thinking i was the best, i put al my effort and concentration into that. I got through my work interviews to get my job, which usually anxiety would make me fail.
SO now my mood is dropping rapidly i feel i set myself up to fail miserably.
I have been off college since monday through illness and went back today, my creativity wasnt there, i couldnt bring myself to speak and started not being able to breathe.
I have work fri, sat sun, monday all ful days, then back at college tues, wednes, thurs.... If i call in sick to work, they wil want to know why, my mum will go mad cause she just REFUSES to understand, even thought she gave up work completely for some mild anxiety, she is over it now and still hasnt gone back.. I havent been in my job long enough to take any time off.. I dont want to miss college cause the only thing that i am sure about in my life is that want to be a make-up artist which is why i am at college, so if i miss any work then, i will only have myself to blame if i fail.
I havent slept for 4 nights now, but i am sooo tired, there is so much in my head.
I'm already morbidly Obese, and they're going to put me on quetiapine next week where i know i wont have the self discipline not to eat whatever i fancy!!
I'm at that point where i literally havent got a clue what to do, i just want the world to stop, my brain to stop, so i can sleep, for a few weeks and then prepare to face life again!!

Metaphor

Feels like i am shovelling snow, in the middle of a blizzard...

Sorry for the rant.
i only joined a few weeks ago and for the first time in my life i have been able to tell REAL people how i feel. Whenver faces with a person in a real life my voice box takes a hoilday my mind goes blank and i lose the ability to say how i feel. so this forum is working really well for me.
My head gets so full and the thoughts have nowhere to go.
ok i am finished now

Hello, MZG. As difficult as your situation is, you are facing it. Perhaps you would benefit from printing your post for those who treat you? Getting better now is so important.

Have you thought about therapy?

You are in my thoughts.

[widgets]

i'm currently in a 3 months assesment with people who deal with young people with bipolar and psychotic behaviour.. so i think maybe after that i have therapy.
I had CBT earlier this year but it didnt help!

[blueoctober]

Hi widgets; Byzantine's advice is excellent. I can understand your frustrations. I don't know where you live, but I find in the fall/winter my mood always dips. This year I have been using a SAD lamp and it has helped. Here is a link to the website where I bought mine http://www.northernlighttechnologies.com/

I find if I don't continue with my routine i.e. going to the work, gym etc. the depression gets worse. I know it's hard and I hope the depression lifts soon.

Originally Posted by widgets

...I NEED pause button, but i ALWAYS need a pause button. ..This time last year i worked full time in a bank, my performance as sales woman had gone from 5th in the area to 72nd in the space of two months, SO now my mood is dropping rapidly i feel i set myself up to fail miserably... I have work fri, sat sun, monday all ful days, then back at college tues, wednes, thurs.... I'm at that point where i literally havent got a clue what to do, i just want the world to stop, my brain to stop, so i can sleep, for a few weeks and then prepare to face life again!!
Metaphor
Feels like i am shovelling snow, in the middle of a blizzard...
Sorry for the rant.
i only joined a few weeks ago and for the first time in my life i have been able to tell REAL people how i feel. Whenver faces with a person in a real life my voice box takes a hoilday my mind goes blank and i lose the ability to say how i feel. so this forum is working really well for me.
My head gets so full and the thoughts have nowhere to go.
ok i am finished now

Firstly, I'm so glad you joined and have found this a good place! And no worries, rant away! (I sure do! ). When one's head gets so full, it is natural to want to have a place for it. Journaling can be helpful that way too. Some people will make a point of doing this nearly every day, which I imagine is to be able to see the up times as well as the down. I confess I only write in it when down. Again with the letting it out somewhere outside of the head. It doesn't work completely, but it does help. (Mood chart is an every single day thing though.) The Byzantine and blueoctober have given great advice.

As soon as I saw your post's title, I thought, "Just about anything! And a big reverse button as well!"

I'm sorry that they even DID that ranking thing! It's just so.... unhelpful, for a start! Is it possible to kind of ignore that kind of thing, like how some actors won't read reviews? Having a different job now... I'm glad you do! (and so close! wow!)

One of the things that can be very helpful is being aware of where you are (the mood charting like blueoctober mentioned), so that when up, you can try to consciously moderate what you decide to take on. It is soooo common to take on too much at such a time, and very frustrating. You are going 7 days a week! (I've done that too, and it proved too much.) Is there a way to arrange things so you can give yourself some time just for you?

There is a joke about the northern windy plains states about shoveling all winter, but it's the same **** snow! Frustrating as a metaphor too.

Hope things improve for you soon, try to get as much as you can from the upcoming therapy, and remember we are here for you!

[lonegael]

YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH a pause button and a fast forward and a rewind and a mute and boy do I need that mute... I am kind of hypomanic right now and they will be upping my topamax.
Sounds like your mom is on you because she is afraid that you'll be like her, or she sees something in you (may not be there) that she sees in herself and doesn't like. Somefolks never want to get it. My mom just gets nastier and nastier about it the sicker she gets. Don't know. Go figure.
You know, when i was at school, I sometimes got so exhausted just living that I would call in sick and sleep 48 hours straight. I think i needed to do that just to stay human. There is too much too fast and sometimes I'm the fastest of all. sigh. HUGGGS dear. Not much good advice , I'm afraid, but yep, I understand.

[widgets]

I have no time to rest and i'm not going to until at least after christmas!!
I've made my bed now i am going to have to lay in it.
I just dont think i have it in me!

You are stronger than you think, MZG.

http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_d...id=5778&cn=298

[sugahorse1]

I'd give up most earthly luxuries for a pause button. This rollercoaster can be VERY exhausting.

[Lexaproman]

Everything I have ever read, studied, heard, or seen says that part of a good treatment plan is working within your limits and controlling your stress as much as possible.

I find that my playing guitar and writing music is very stabilizing. A pause? Not so much a pause because my problem never, ever stops! Not even the little sleep I get can stop the onslaught of torture to my cognitive function! But it does give me a perspective and helps me to reign myself in.

[sugahorse1]

Keeping stress to a minimum is imperative, but not always possible - I'm working on it, lol

[wing]

I think you need a med adjustment, but not necessarily one that is going to put weight on you. Your mood swings are so severe that adding some additional mood stabilizer may level you out some. Sounds like you have a lot going on, and maybe need to cut back on your expectations of yourself for a while, too. Dealing with family is always hard when in a mood swing, esp family that doesn't understand. I think printing out your post and making an appointment with your pdoc asap is a really good idea. You're suffering way too much for your meds to be where they need to be.
I'm glad you've found a place to vent. Another healthy thing is getting it all "off your chest" and this is a good place to do that...

[widgets]

I havent slept for 4 days now, i had such bad sleep from nov to July, then in July it miraculously fixed itself.
Theres times where i have loads of energy and wont feel like going to bed til 5am, then get up at 8am and am fine all day.
There's time i go to bed at 5pm and sleep right through til the next morning at 10am.
Then theres time my sleep is normal, 10pm til 8am.
Right now, i am soooo tired, but i cant physically sleep, i am tired all during work, but again cant sleep.
I'm wondering maybe, will the quetiapine help this? I am so reluctant to go on sleeping pills, i just dont want to.
I am seeing my assessor on Wednesday so i think i may print my posts out and take it to him, thats a good idea.
At least my mind has stopped racing so incredibly, i usally type everything i write so fast, but this has taken ages.
My brain isnt overflowing, its too exhausted.

thanks for all your helpful comments by the way, i do try and read and stuff in my spare time, and doing my college homework isnt so bad cause its something i am passionate about.

I got a call today asking me to go for an interview for a job thats only 1 day a week, i mentioned it to my parents and they just werent having it, they said if i want to stay at college then i need to work more than one day a week..
To be fair it is so i can pay for my own things, but i would give up the money to only work one day.
Everyone things, "oh she has bought it on herself, she had a perfectly good job and she gave it up to go to college."
But i realised today i would be able to cope with this life if i could keep my mood in one place...

[Lexaproman]

I hear you. When I am awake I can't stay awake and when I am asleep I can't sleep.

If it were at all possible I would simply sleep when my body was ready to and do things whenever I was more awake but the world doesn't run on that schedule.

So it goes back to what I was saying know your limitations and try and find a way to keep things within those boundaries.

@widget - how much does your parents know about mental disorders/mood disorders?

Also@widget - also do not ignore your parents either. Perhaps before you think a decision through to conclusion you should ask them to help you sort it out and tell them what you are thinking and hear what they say. If they offer something that is conflicting with your illness explain to them what factors they are missing.

I would venture to say they want what is best for you. And maybe they are being more realistic than you give them credit for at times.

[sugahorse1]

Back to the inital question regarding a pause button - I've actually decided that life needs to move forwards. Having a pause button will only disrupt whatever routine one is in. But a routine is the only way you can assist yourself in staying stable.
My weekends are for catching up on sleep mainly. I've noticed myself becoming addicted to sleeping tabs in the past, so I know I need to be weary of them, but I will still take the occassional one to get my sleep back into routine.
Without sleep, my world falls apart.

[Lexaproman]

@sugahorse - nice perspective. Yes you can't just stop the direction of life. However I do believe that most of us probably put it into auto pilot so to speak and miss part of the ride don't you? Not that we want to.

But I know for myself I have missed a ton of life dealing with my life sentence of affliction.

[sugahorse1]

Sure - I've spent large portions of life on auto-pilot; it's my body's only way of coping with the turmoil going on inside my head. I also dissociate a LOT, and then life just flies past me.

[cattails]

Hello Widgets! My name is Cattails and i am new to this site,still not sure how to post my pic and info. I to am Bi-Polar and in a deep depression at the moment and also have many things going trough my mind at once! Just wish it would all stop but it does not and everyday seems like a challenge! But i have to go to work because i have two young boys and if i stop working we will lose are home!!! the Doc has me on Serequel 200mgs,Lamotrigine 50mgs and Pristiq 50mgs. I feel like a Zombie and after about an hour or so i have to sleep. But in the morning i have to struuggle to get out of bed. I hope everything works out okay for you!!! You seem like a sweet young lady, Cattails.....

[sugahorse1]

Sorry you are battling like this Cattails - we are here to offer support and advice where possible. I commend you for moving forwards and being strong enough to continue working. I know it's not easy.

[Lexaproman]

Well Cattails that sounds par for the course. I would consider talking to Doc about meds because that can add to zombie feeling.

I too am sorry you are dealing with our problem. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy!

[widgets]

I think its probably good we dont have a pause button, i mean i'd probably never press play again!
Sorry to hear that Cattalis, just remember how strong you are for carrying on with work though! Even with children a lot of people tend to give up so easily!!

[Lexaproman]

That is a great point. You should be commended for trudging along! As Widge mentions many in our condition pack it in or quit!