What are these feelings/emotions?

I am just in a really awkward place right now.
It starts in the morning - I'm always tired by the time my alarm goes off. I wake up with adrenalin cursing through me and my heart racing - sever anxiety.
I kind of switch off and drive to work as a zombie. I get to work and suddenly feel VERY lonely. I just cannot seem to feel that void with anything. I spend 80% of my day on PC and hardly do any work. I feel a bit better once I leave, but then usually have to sepnd another hour or 2 helping my boyfriend out with paper work for his business. Then it's home to cook dinner, at which stage I'm usually quite irritable, probably because I'm getting tired. Then I go to bed. Last night i nearly burst into tears because I felt so empty and lonely and the depression was lapping at my heals. I had to beg my boyfriend to understand and hold me.

I can feel the depression is coming back. I'm also relying more on Klonopin than I have in the last while. Partially to help with the anxiety, but also to just numb my emotions.
I cannot put my finger on what it is I'm experiencing, but it's sad and lonely. Just looking for some support.

While I have no insight as to what is happening to you, I am here for you my friend♥

I know when I'm awkWEIRD, it's the start of something ugly, but that's not to say it's the case with you. Maybe you're just stressed out, you basically have 2 jobs and very little support...

anyhoo, I jis wanted to give u a hug...

thanks Trippin. I'm so emotionally exhausted and drained, i don't know what to do. Sleeping wont help, as that's just running away from things. I'm not that physically tired, but the emotional drain is taking a physical toll

Just remember to take it easy on yourself at this time...XOXO

I don't know how/where to make changes right now. I'm trying to let work slide past me, getting away with doing minimal work. I want out of this - it's too much work and too hard for me. My support system is crumbling and I just cannot relate to my purpose anymore.

Suga, the only way to make changes when I'm feeling down is to break them up into small tasks that are doable. I prioritize my issues and work on one at a time. I also go for a med adjustment when starting to feel like you are. No need to suffer when tweaking your meds will help.

i only see my pdoc on 1 December. It's been a LONG wait. And all I'm on at the moment is 100mg Lamictal and Klonopin as needed. Hardly an arsenal of meds that can be tweaked. It's irritating that I had to stay on 100mg Lamictal for 6 MONTHS before this next appointment; when it has not really helped. Gee, it irritates me that the pdoc's seem to hardly care

sugahorse! Waking up via anxiety sucks (been doing that for quite awhile now too). Everything pounding away, yet still tired, take the anti-anxiety and the panic mellows and tired remains -- and then we start the day! Autopiloting to a job that is feeling just too much. Yup. Empathy and hugs to you...
Yup, this too. Is sleeping a lot something you tend to do when you are down? This is my tendency, even when I'm not physically tired, but like you say, emotionally exhausted.... maybe it just feels like there is less of the day to deal with, being asleep. But the anxiety issue is getting in the way of this... coping mechanism(?) Which is additionally confounding. Is that what is happening for you too, by chance?

(Is there any way to get on a cancellation list --or are you already?-- with the pdoc?)

Hey Suga,
My pdoc doesn't give a d**n either, so I feel your frustration with that.

Is he/she one of those that don't mix antidepressants with mood stabilizers? I know there's a controversy about this right now, but when you finally DO get into the pdoc office, ask him/her about it. I've talked to many people that take both, and I do myself also, and it seems to work well for some. (I haven't been taking the anti-depressant long enough to give you any reliable feedback myself)

As for the despair you're feeling at work, my T gave me some excellent advice when I was miserable with my job. She said "what would be the worse that would happen if you quit?" It just so happened that my employer was about to fire me anyway b/c of how much time I was out, so I resigned. A HUGE weight lifted off my shoulders. Don't get me wrong....I can't AFFORD not to work, and have had to make some extreme decisions about finances, but my sanity is worth it.

Plus I've gotten the awesome benefit of watching some really trashy daytime TV!

Lol@ Saywhat - I unfortunately am not in a financial position to quit; my boyfriend would have a sense of humour failure. And I need to pay for my horse, my only sanity. I have had 2 other job offers, but I don't believe any of them will be less taxing on me.

@Innerzone. You've hit the nail on the head. Last weekend I slept 12 hours on Fri, and 12 on Sat; not entirely normal, is it??

The Klonopin numbs my emotions enough to get the day going. And that's all. I am on a cancellation list - this appointment was made mid October or so - it's been a 6 or 7 week wait.

She has mentioned the possibility of adding Wellbutrin, but now that between her and my T they are wondering if it is not more BPD I'm dealing with, I can see she's going to be anxious to prescribe too many meds for something that is supposed to largely be dealt with via T. But, if she refuses to give me Wellbutrin or similar, I am walking out and going to my GP. He's not an expert, so it's going to be up to me to make suggestions and him to just give his 2 cents. But I can see him within a day, and he's not too worried about giving me a prescription (Within reason) Much easier to work with

Hang in there, sweetie..it sure seems like a pretty low dose of Lamictal..well, hopefully you'll be able to get the Wellbutrin or whatever will make you feel better..lots of hugs and soothing vibes...

Sugahorse,

I totally relate to what your going through.

I too wake up in the morning full of anxiety-why did we buy this bigger house and now behind on the mortagage payments? Worried about how my son will ever repay his college loan debt? Am I a good enough mother? why am I so lazy? my husband working long hours while I'm home by 4pm, etc. I take Xanax, it helps at first but then I feel tired.
When I exercise regularly that always helps but it's hard to get started being so out of shape, I worry I will hurt myself, as I have done in the past

About the meds, I am also on Lamictal and the dose that's effective is normally 200mg which is usually increased a lot sooner than 6 months. The increase might help with your depression, also have you asked about Paxil- that can with depression and anxiety.

suga, I'm sorry you are having a hard time and I hope your pdoc appt helps in December.

Hey i know sometimes it can be long waits between visits i know my pdoc has always said that if i need anything i can call and leave a message and she can call me back between appointments, especially to do with meds.Maybe this could be an option for you? Maybe you could try to call her and leave a message? She may not be able to give you an appointment sooner but maybe she could have you up something over the phone to tide you over till your appointment? In my experience they either up something or switch a med when i start feeling the depression at my heels. If you do up a med, with his/her consent of course then you will be on the upped med for a while till your appointment, and you will be able to tell if it's working or not. If it isn't working you wont have to just up something at your next appointment, you might actually be able to switch medications, and to be honest i think that's what is needed as you had said you don't feel the drugs are working for you. I sure hope you get some relief, no one deserves to feel this way.

best of luck,

Ryask

thanks everyone. It's been a real misison to get hold of her, even via phone. And she seems a lot less willing to prx me meds over the phone, or consent to me upping meds. I also thought 200mg was where I was meant to be at on Lamictin.
She's really great, listens and is sympathetic when I'm in her rooms, but not so over the phone. I guess she wants to be able to talk and get the full picture

I really want to start riding my horse more, which will be my exercise and make me feel better.

Today has started off a bit better, as I'm getting stuck into work.
Most days, I spend most of my day on PC, and think that some posts may subconsciously trigger me. So I need to be more cautious. And I just cannot get enough sleep - 8 hours is still not cutting it.

I really appreciate all your support - especially with my T being away for 3 weeks, and my support system being very limited; I really rely a LOT on PC

Well we're here for you, whenever you need us!!!!

I just feel like a "fraud" when I'm so down one day and screaming for help, and the next I'm ok. But I'm not crying wolf - when I ask for support I am REALLY down

I sO understand what you're saying, I go through that too.

Don't worry, we know it's rapid cycling and NOT crying wolf...

XOXO

so - i assume this is now hypomania. Racing out the office because you refuse to talk to people? Shouting at others...? How can one expect to function in a corporate world?

If it makes you feel any better; I've been acting like a loon, dancing and singing out loud...can't sit still... that Lucozade didn't exactly help the situation...

Think or rather know I'm busy crashing, I'm trying my damnedest to avoid it, or at least soften the blow

BTW I work in the finance office

hope you feel better soon!

Some people deserve to be shouted at.

Lol, that is CORRECT!!!!!

I don't support being angry and mad at little things... but if you shout at person who has been bugging you for a long time or just because you are stressed... sorry, that is not a symptom. Only psychopath show no emotions.

it's just been too much coming at me from all sides that I finally could not take. the straw that broke the camel's back. but now I look like a crazy and deranged person, who's losing it.

Well I was finally given both the Antidepression & Mood meds after a slight breakdown in May of this year and I have to say I am doing much better...My advise is follow your feelings as only you live within your body and if your not happy with the meds then say so! We are all different what works, for me may not work for you etc...