[kitty004567]

This is not bipolar related but I thought I'd post here because this is where I generally post.

I snow ski. My ex bf and I had decided that when his daughter was 5 I could take her skiing with me. We told her. This was while we were together of course. Well we broke up last year but I continued to see her until about April or May (when I started seeing someone new and her dad flipped).

Here's the problem: Ski season's about to start and I made a promise to a little girl that I would take her skiing this year. I'm still more than willing to take her...for a "girls weekend" covering all expenses. I'm pretty sure her dad will say no but I feel like I should still call and offer to try to keep my promise. Is it a good idea? I don't know. I don't know that it's fair to her either but it would be cool if we could have a "girls weekend" once a year every year.

I was "Mommy" for as long as she could remember (her name choice not ours...her mother was really mad). I feel terrible about the way we left things. Since her dad flipped he cut off all communication so there was no final goodbye. She left screaming that she didn't want to go with him she wanted to stay and play in my garden. That was the last time I saw/talked to her.

What do you guys think? Any suggestions? I'm pretty sure her dad will say no but I don't really see any harm in trying... IDK Help!

[laur88]

That's really hard, kitty! I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I would say yes, try to call and see if you could still take her, might as well.

[blueoctober]

You are very sweet kitty for wanting to provide that for this little girl. Hopefully her dad will put aside his immaturity and be thankful that you want to be present in her life. Keep us posted.

[Mac Murphy]

Kitty, maybe I am looking at this wrong but your profile says you are in Texas. Where is ski season in Texas? Would you have to take the little girl to New Mexico or Colorado to ski? Could it be that he doesn't want you to travel with her or if he had to go too that it would bring up too many hurts?
I can understand your desire to keep your promise but sadly, it is her father's decision to make. You can and should make the offer since you promised but in no way should you talk to the girl without her dad's permission. Even then don't say anything about him not letting you take her. It is not your place to put a wedge between them.
So ask. Try to do what you promised but don't worry if your offer is rejected.

KD

kitty, what a difficult situation. Wish there was some brilliant simple answer. My gut feeling is yes, give a call. He may well not go for it. You say you are not sure it would be fair to the little girl. One thing I do feel quite sure about is that it will be fair to the little girl. Why? Because, let's face it. If he says no, she will never be told about the offer. If he says yes, she knows you remembered the promise.

(Don't worry, it wasn't triggering, though my gut feeling is not completely random, but based on my childhood. BAD separation, from which my mother kept us completely separated from his side of the family. What did this accomplish? Complete control of information. Anything that would have presented my dad in a positive light would never in a million years have been mentioned to us. That's why I feel quite confident in that regard. In what way could your offer possibly be presented as a negative? Unless anyone can think of one, because I can't. You'd be taking the high road. You may not be able to control the outcome, but you can always know you tried the positive approach.)

Please do keep us posted, ok?

[Ryask]

I would say absolutely try your best to speak with him about it. I mean you could say something like " i know we didnt leave on the best terms, but this isn't really about me and you it's about a promise i made to your daughter". Flattery by the way will get you everywhere, something simple like " i know your a wonderful father and i am sure you can put aside your feelings towards me and realize how important this may be to your daughter". Hopefully he will see the value in the trip but if he doesn't, try to keep calm and just be pleasant and say "OK i understand, i would have really loved to take her but you are her father and i will respect your wishes, but if you happen to change your mind please give me a call." If you leave on a really good note he may actually consider it, even after he said no. I sure hope he lets you, best of luck and do keep us posted.

[kitty004567]

Thank you all for your input. To clarify, yes I do live in Texas and going skiing would mean leaving the state. I would never talk to the child without talking to her father first and it being ok and I certainly would not take her without express written consent. (For one thing you must have written consent to take a minor across state lines if you are not a parent or guardian....not to mention ethical issues)

That being said, I think I will call her father and ask. Then it's his choice. (Well...and he has to consider how his ex wife will react.) It's really a hard situation all around. When I was seeing her regularly after he and I broke up we left it up to her (although she didn't know that). If she wanted to call and say good night she was always allowed to but if she didn't ask there was no phone call... same with in person visits.

If she's not still asking about me I don't think it's fair to suddenly pop back into her life with no intention of getting back together with her father...and then leave again. That's not fair to her and her emotional recovery from the breakup. But then I ask myself is it fair at all? Even if she is asking about/for me? Should I break the promise and stay away to allow her to heal and move on? I don't know if it's fair to ask a 5 year old to go from seeing me as Mommy to just a friend who comes around.

I feel like perhaps I'm clinging to this promise because I want to see her and that it may not be in her best interest.

[sugahorse1]

I agree - you have nothing to lose by making the phone call; which is basically you keeping your promise to this little girl.
Just make sure you are prepared for any answer that you may receive, and if the idea is rejected, don't be offended or feel guilty. I think that will be the hardest part - but I wish you all the success in your phonecall

[wing]

I think your last post says it all, kitty. I hope that you can be a part of her life, but they may be trying to have her build trust with her stepmother, and if she still has a connection with you, the stepmom might see your request as undermining her. Maybe they will allow you into her life as an "aunt". I would take small steps with your ex...allowing you to take her on such a big trip may be something he is not willing to do, but staying in her life as an "auntie" will give you the opportunity to stay close, and maybe take her with you when she's older. Your heart must be breaking, and I feel so bad for you. I hope the situation resolves itself soon. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by an honest communication with her dad.

[kitty004567]

So I called the ex bf yesterday. He was very nice. He agreed to let me be a silent part of his daughter's life right now until he decides what's best (meaning I get pictures and updates). He said he would love for me to take her skiing but isn't sure it's the best thing for her right now. He said he would think about it. I thought that was a pretty good start.

That IS a good start, kitty! Yea!