Which is a better choice; racing thoughts and paranoia, or zombification?

I hated how I felt on the higher dose of depakote. Anyone who saw my post about it last week knows I was pretty zombified and sick from it. We went down just incrementally and I can feel my brain doing the racing flip book thing, and I am having more paranoia.

I don't really have room to go up a tiny bit on depakote, because that would put me back in the land of the living dead.

We raised my Seroquel, but so far, I am not seeing the results we were looking for. There is much more room to go up on Seroquel, but I fear the zombification effect, however, I haven't slept well the last two nights and part of what is keeping me up is an increase in racing flip book type thoughts, nightmares (very random) and my husband's snoring.

I know that ultimately it is a question for my p-doc, but I just want to get opinions from people here.

Would you live with the racing thoughts and paranoia, the possibility of acting on some of those racing thoughts and hope that lots of therapy gets you through, or would you settle for walking the Earth in a stupor looking for your next meal of brains. (sorry, just trying to be funny about the situation. I'll edit if I have offended anyone, just let me know)

It depends on how your coping mechanisms are and how you can handle these... for some people the numbness is actually more dangerous than other aspect of the disorder.

but it's individual... but I think the best is to work on coping mechanism while keeping you you and alive (not merely living... or animated).

I'd rather be a zombie and feel nothing

I don't like either. However, people usually like me a whole lot better wile in a manic racin thoughts episode. They don't actually say that because they don't actually know I have bipolar but I can tell.

i'd rather have balance while on my meds. it takes some experimenting with your pdoc but it can be done. i recommend you discuss this with him again.

If i had to choose one I'd go for the Zombie because at least your sleeping. However, i don't think you have to choose, i say tell your pdoc everytime you find something that doesn't work and they change it, your one step closer to finding the right thing.

I have tried so many mood stabilizers. I feel like I am a broken record. I keep posting them, but I am so frustrated with the little glimmer of stability I get and then I go a little too high before all the depressive symptoms are gone and then I get into danger. The last time I was blindsided, but I can feel mu mind doing some of the things it was doing the last time I had to go to the hospital.

So far I have tried:
Topamax
Trileptal
Lamictal
Lithium
Depakote

I can't take benzos because they have the opposite effect on me and make me very anxious. Abilify put me into the hospital with a mixed episode.

I am tolerating Seroquel so far, but I am not seeing enough of a result. I know there are other antipsychotics to try. I feel like I am a ping pong ball inside my own brain.

I can't take benzos either i have auditory hallucinations on a very very very small dose. It puts me into such a state i end up having a panic attack so i am with you there! If you can tolerate the quetiapine maybe it just needs to be adjusted or upped, until it works. If it's not helping then switching sounds like the right thing. I know it's frustrating trying to find what works, and you probably hate the "let's try this" but it will be worth it when you find the balance, what a nice time that will be where your not too high or too low and you can just be. try to think about that day, and remind yourself that what your doing is worth finding that, even though it's frustrating.

I would have to choose racing thoughts, but my loved ones would chose zombie, because after a while THEY have to sleep. My chatter can just go on, and although i can keep it down at work, it comes out full blast at night when I come home. Yippeee.
Hmmm, maybe that's why they sew zombies' mouths closed....

I liked your ending :-) I'd choose neither. There are hundreds of meds used to treat BP not just the "common" ones. I'd keep trying until I found one that controls my symptoms and yet does not turn me into a zombie. I've been zombafied and that's no fun...but neither is paranoia. Keep looking..and hugs!

Personally, I would rather be zombied. I may only be saying that now because I'm dealing with the crapout hypomania right now. But seriously, when your zombied you won't be doing all the stupid things that comes along with mania. When I come down off this mountain I'll probably repost and say mania is way better.

I think your siggy says it all.

So I asked everyone this question, and I don't know if I even answered it. My answer is I don't know. I have been in a state of bouncing between depression, stability, mixed and hypomanic for several years now, although I am started to realize that there is less hypomania and more mixed lately. I don't like that at all.

I would have to go with zombification, for practical reasons. I need to have a steady income and spending so much time alone, I would go off the deep end with panic attacks. If I was a famous writer making kazillions, I'd definitely want the racing thoughts and paranoia, because it often shows up with creative brilliance. Plus, I could hire someone to hang out with me when the hubs isn't home.

I couldn't do the zombie it sucks the life out of me.

The raising thoughts sends my anxiety through the roof

Paranoia isn't fun. I have had visual and auditory hallucinations and they can be concerning, but I'm usually stable enough to recognize that it wasn't real.

I pick none of these and would be looking for a new med combo.

If I could choose to feel manic but not act in that way I would say keep the zombies away ;-). However knowing the crash that comes from my manic state I would rather be a zombie than feel that way.

Seroquel has been a godsend for me, but I am really happy with the switch to Seroquel XR. Seroquel would knock me out cold for the night, and leave me fuzzy in the morning. The XR seems to keep me level throught the day, and never overly fuzzed.

I say keep looking for a combo that works best for you. Be sure to work with a doctor that wants to work with you, and involve you in the decission process. I like my doc because he asks me what I think we should do, and more often than not he agrees.

Changing mood stabilizers did nothing for my paranoia, mixed episodes or rages. Abilify is an antipsychotic and made them all go away, so maybe what you need is the addition of a different antipsychotic vs a different mood stabilizer. In any case, don't settle for being a zombie. It may take some time, but you can find a good combo that lessens your symptoms so they are bearable without making you feel dulled.

i think if i had to choose, i'd rather be a zombie. can't do bad things when you're a zombie (unless you count the eating brains part...mmmm....brains)

personally, i'd rather just have my mind work properly, but i don't think that's possible with the 2 options.

How about if the body is zombified, and the brain is electrified... It isn't as good as it sounds. I am miserable, in fact.

Then that doesn't work either. Try again. ((BNLsMOM))

BNLsMOM!
Personally, right now I'd go for zombification of both mind and body. More than anything.... well, let's put it this way: Psych appt. the other day. I said, "Can you prescribe a bat to whack me on the head with to render me unconscious till this nightmare is over?"* She laughed and said, "no", but I was damn serious.
Can we have an option of zombified brain with electrified body?? Hmmm. Trying to remember if it's ever gone that way. Can't recall any.

* (events triggering episode? Or would episode it be happening independently? Or is one exacerbating the other?! Doesn't matter really, because it's completely frustrating no matter the cause..or relationship.)

(Moreta...Lol. ) (If you haven't seen Shaun of the Dead with Simon Pegg, do so! It's zombies and intentinally campy funny!)

Argh. I was up half the night just unable to slowdown. I would doze a little and then wake up for a while. This was after I took Seroquel 175mg (my usual dose and PRN together) and 100mg of Trazodone. I should have been out cold.

While I was lying in bed, my mind was like a flipbook, complete with flashing lights and lots of static. I was thinking about a million things including trying to figure out what to do with the kids if I were to give in to the thoughts I have been having about sui.

Today I feel emotionally drained and a little wired on the inside.

So the holiday was OK. It was better than I thought. I am convinced, though, that my inlaws are angry with us because we didn't have dinner with them. Originally we were going to have dinner at my house and they were coming. When I was in the hospital at the beginning of this month, I told my mom that I didn't think that I could handle the holiday and she offered to do it at her house. I told my inlaws and they refused to go to my parents' house (no reason given). So my husband and I decided that we would do dinner at my parents' and then go to his parents' for dessert. Well, it's a good thing my mom put dessert out early so my kids could have some because when we got to my inlaws' they had cleaned up, everything was put away, there was no evidence that there was ever a meal of dessert or anything. There was not even the smell of turkey in their house. They didn't offer us any coffee, or any dessert. In fact, they apparently expected my husband to do some work getting things out of the attic, but they didn't ask so he didn't do it. He got an earful today about how much they depend on him, how much they need him to do things, etc.

Last summer they told my husband that they thought I hated them. I was so hurt, and we were never very close to begin with, but now I feel so uncomfortable around them. It feels like they don't like me. Of course they don't. I took their only son (slave) away from them.

Anyway, I can't tell if these perceptions are real (they feel like it) or if I am just being paranoid.

They did once google my youngest son's name to see if there were any birth announcements, and they found one that I had posted on a parenting website. I used a name that was easy to figre out if someone knew me, and I had done a bit of complaining about them on that site. I am sure they read it and hold it against me. I am sure they google me and my kids all the time to find out if I am saying bad things about them. I hope that they can't find me here. I don't think I have any real personal information here...

I also wonder if I have been to this site and then go to Facebook, and vice versa if people can "follow" my actions online and learn things about me. I try to remain anonymous here because there are people in my Facebook who don't need to know what is going on in terms of BP. I have already talked in person to the people who I want to have theinformation.

Even with the best inlaws things are always stressfull, and yours sound terrible.... I don't think you are being paranoid about how they think about you, it is always a possiblity but it is also a possiblity that they think differently or don't think about you much at all...
Maybe a bit paranoid about the internet... yes they can, or someone else could but would they bother, if they did, who cares what they think, if you go to that much trouble to find out wh at someone is thinking you should be prepared to get a bad answer!!!

Keep negotiating various meds and dosages. (Don't change a med or dosage until at least 3 weeks after any previous change.) But -

Are you sure the higher dose really is impairing your functioning seriously? It might just be your feedback, like driving a strange car. And it's too serious a matter to be swayed by others getting finicky about our style.

I would rather simmer down anyway as I hate being keyed up. For me being crazy is boring and being normal is interesting.