Mood OK; functioning not

sugahorse1 · Dec 08, 2010, 12:51 PM

Sorry BNL - it's good to hear that the owners were there quick enough to get him some help. I hope the anxiety calms down.

BNLsMOM · Dec 08, 2010, 12:58 PM

Me too. I am fighting with my mind today. I am all wound up. I keep losing track of myself mid thought and can't get the words out. It took me a long time to write this post.

sugahorse1 · Dec 08, 2010, 01:11 PM

My mind's also a mess. I keep getting lost in my own thoughts. I'm all emotional and spend all my time in my head. Glass of red wine and bed seems to be on the cards for me; that's all I can do to cope...
Take it easy on yourself too. You're not walking alone in your shoes; I'm right there with you xx

BNLsMOM · Dec 08, 2010, 01:15 PM

Kids are taken care of for the day. I think a Seroquel (maybe 2) and my bed are on the docket for me as well.

BNLsMOM · Dec 08, 2010, 01:26 PM

Yikes, I think since I started this thread, I have cycled three or 4 times. Can anyone look through and help me confirm?

sugahorse1 · Dec 08, 2010, 01:30 PM

I can cycle more than daily too... don't stress. Just look after yourself. I know it can be hard. Glad the kids are taken care of. What is the active ingredient in Seroquel? Is it a sleeping aid? It's 8:30PM here - just about right for me to take my Zopiclone and go to sleep - that way I have less opportunity to spend in my head and fumble over my feelings

BNLsMOM · Dec 08, 2010, 05:44 PM

Seroquel is an atypical anti-psychotic but it has tranquilizing properties. I don't find myself getting drowsy from them, but they at least quiet things enough that I can rest for a bit. I take a dose at night and I also have the option of taking them PRN.

I slept for a while and there is just so much going on in my head that I am having weird dreams. I keep having the same one where I somehow end up outside the locked ward, not knowing if they will let me in or not. Sometimes they let me in and I sit wil other patients I have spent time there with, and sometimes the staff leads me away. This time, I was dressed in a johnny and they told me that I had to walk down the driveway to the red building, and I realized it was my college campus. (I graduated in 1996.)

I wake up confused as if I am in the hospital and I don't recognize my room for a minute or two.

I feel like my inner world is taking over the outer world.

Right now it is the confusion that is really getting to me the most. I usually don't have confusion with my symptoms, but that has been increasing over the last month.

sugahorse1 · Dec 09, 2010, 02:33 AM

Are you possibly overly tired? Can your husband do anything to comfort and reassure you? Does a sleeping aid help? Dreams occur in the REM phase, so a sleeping aid that can avoid that phase could possibly help minimise the dreams.
I went through a phase where I dreamt so much, I would wake up more exhausted in the morning than when I'd actually gone to bed. And it would sometimes be really stressful dreams too.

I just take Klonopin PRN to help with the anxiety. I guess I've never been prx'd Seroquel, because I don't really exhibit psychotic symptoms.

sugahorse1 · Dec 09, 2010, 02:34 AM

Let us know how you are doing. I woke up "on the wrong side of bed" again this morning and am feeling down. But I managed to get a smile on my face - I listen to a prank phonecall on the radio. Just wondering if you can't inundate yourself with comedy to make yourself feel better

BNLsMOM · Dec 09, 2010, 11:00 AM

I don't think I could be over tired, considering how much I sleep.

I am still extremely anxious today. I have DBT this afternoon. I know it is good for me, but I just don't want to leave the house. I missed last week for being sick, so Ihave to go today. I am almost done with the course, but I would love to just leave it. I know I need to go, and I am sure if I stop before the end my husband will have some threat on the tip of his tongue.

He threatened last night to block message boards because he thinks I am triggered by them.

I know he is trying to be supportive and fix the problem, but he goes to the extreme so fast that I feel a child who has done something wrong and is being sent to bed without dessert.

BNLsMOM · Dec 09, 2010, 11:06 AM

You aren't going to believe this... My group leader just called and group is cancelled for today. How weird?

Now, do I fess up for my parents who are planning to pick up the kids, or do I take advantage of the fact that they are taking the kids and just stay quiet?

Who am I kidding, with my sense of guilt, I have to fess up. I will call and see if they will stick to the plan.

krisakira · Dec 09, 2010, 11:34 AM

ive got all that goin on these days

BNLsMOM · Dec 09, 2010, 05:32 PM

Weird afternoon. Sitting here now feeling... well...I don't know. Ever stare into space and realize it after a minute? It kind of feels like that. My 8 year old had a major meltdown this afternoon and I got him to lie down and he is sleeping now, my youngest is still upstairs from his nap. I think he is sleeping too.

But it is dinner time and I don't know what to make. I feel like I have forgotten how to make anything, and I am sitting here for some reason paralyzed over going upstairs to get the kids.

My husband won't be home till after 7.

sugahorse1 · Dec 10, 2010, 02:09 AM

Ahhh BNL - you really are having a hard time - I'm so sorry for you

BNLsMOM · Dec 10, 2010, 09:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sugahorse

Ahhh BNL - you really are having a hard time - I'm so sorry for you

It's just weird. Eventually everything worked out last night.

I have run out of descriptions of what I am feeling.

sugahorse1 · Dec 10, 2010, 09:02 AM

It'll eventually come to you - I promise. Just stay peaceful in the moment.

lonegael · Dec 10, 2010, 01:46 PM

If it doesn't come to you, it's probably not that important just now. Like Suga says, just restand let it be. HUGGGGGSSSSSSSS!

BNLsMOM · Dec 10, 2010, 04:49 PM

Slept all day... again.

BNLsMOM · Dec 11, 2010, 05:09 PM

I was out all day and it was a good distraction. My oldest had a swim meet and we went out for breakfast first. I had to take some ibuprofen when we got home because I was getting a headache.

We will be braving the stores and shopping tomorrow (after trimming my inlaws' tree

) I will probably take a Seroquel so that I don't get all riled up again.

dredz · Dec 12, 2010, 10:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

Maybe I am just a big faker. I have had my parents take my kids all week, and I sit in my chair doing pretty much nothing but watch tv. Maybe I just don't want kids anymore. Maybe I am just a crappy mom who can't handle kids. Maybe I am selfish.

Am I sick, or am I just a pathetic excuse for a person, seeking attention.

My thoughts are so confused and jumbled up. I don't know what to say when someone asks how I am feeling. I don't know how to express myself when I need help. I asked my husband yesterday what I should do about this depression and he said that he doesn't know.

My mind works like a flip book all night long. I have cryptic dreams where I end up walking past the psych ward at the hospital and the staff comes out and walks me away as if going inside would suck me in to illness forever.

I feel like meds are poison. I feel anxious, my stomach is in knots, I sleep too much.

I don't feel legitimate because I can't explain this stuff to anyone. It leads to a 20 minute discussion with people who aren't in a position to analyze me (my parents and friends, generally). I just don't have the energy for that. So I cought a little cold this week and I don't feel all that bad but I played it up like it was the flu so that I could get the help I need with the kids and not have to discuss my mental state with people who don't understand.

I don't even know what I am talking about. I just want to disappear, but I have all these people in my way. I am not thinking straight. How do I sort this all out?

I am feeling like my thoughts are all in knots. I feel like I have to crawl through a rubber band ball to get through the day. It is getting difficult to keep this up all the time.

This is me

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