Mood OK; functioning not

My mood has been decent for the last few days. However, I am not functioning. Showering is out of the question. I just don't think I could stand up that long. Making meals, cleaning up, etc... not even a consideration.

Between my side effects and general lack of motivation, I just... I don't even know how to express it...even without side effects I was dropping the ball and just not functioning.

Does anyone else have this issue? It isn't depression, it isn't mania, it isn't stability, it is just nothing.

I have the same exact feeling BNLsMOM. I don't understand it at all. I wouldn't consider myself to be depressed or even bad for that matter (based on this mood tracker I use). I just feel okay with absolutely no emotions and no will to do anything. I don't know what to tell you or myself for that fact. I just kinda wait for it to pass. Are you on any medication and have you been diagnosed with anything. Maybe something is acting up or your medicine is doing it to you?

You know, BNLsMOM, i had the same problem back about a year ago. I honestly described it to my hubby like depression without the down mood. It turned out my lithium was up too high. Once it was lowered, things started to function much better. I was also having some other problems that I hadn't even associated at first to that , like not being able to talk straight or remember things well. I thought I was just tired. It might be you mood stabilizer doing too good a job. HUGGGGSSSSS!

Seriously between the depression and the mania and the super fun non functioning part every day is always a surprise. This mood tracker sounds interesting and awesome something I would attempt to use. I will google it. I also go through non functioning periods. Those days about the only thing I can do is make sure my children are to school dressed and fed. I have back up easy meals that I can serve in minutes. I just try to get through the day and hope that tomorrow will be different. Sometimes I can force myself outside and I believe the sunshine helps but who knows. Everything I do on these days is solely for my children.

Hi BNLsMOM; I describe this feeling as being "flat". My pdoc considers it to be depression. It's not major depression, but is probably a mild depression. I had the same issue as lonegal that it was being caused by my meds, but I have it now and it's not med related. For me during this time I just continue on with my routine and wait for it to pass.

How is the weather where you live? Can you get outside for a walk?

i'm so sorry to hear you're going through such a hard time. I just go through these phases for a day or 2 at a time-never prolonged. I don't know what to say, except that I'm thinking of you. I hope you can talk to your pdoc about it and get some meds adjusted. I'm here for you if you want to chat or PM me
Xxx

I am familiar with it with depression. flat.

I have days where I just want to do nothing. I don't eat, shower, or anything else. I am not depressed or manic, I am just being lazy! I can't explain it and I wish I knew what it was and what causes it because it is truly annoying when it happens!

The flat effect you might be experiencing could be from the Seroquel.

I get like that too - very frustrating and it causes me to get behind in school which, in turn, causes stress, which in turn can trigger an episode.

I'm sorry you're feeling the way you do right now, BLNsMOM! Hope you feel better soon!

I have the same problem. I have adjusted my meds and switched my meds so many times, and still have it. I will go for a week or 2, then get a energy burst for 1 or 2 days an get out and go grocery shopping etc. I no longer ask why. I am not interested in trying to adjust or change meds. I just roll with it and do the best I can. I got a shower chair so I can sit, but i still struggle getting a shower, cleaning my house, or getting rid of all the clutter. I have struggled with this for over 10 years. Tom

It occurred to me that I am just glossing over so that I can get through the holidays. The shower thing is getting worse, though. I used to get a shower every two or three days, then it spread out to a week, and now it is about two weeks. I am fortunately not a very smelly person, but two weeks is really pushing the envelope and is probably not sanitary.

I have to get in the shower tonight.

My meds situation is in constant flux because of side effects. My p-doc finally called today and told me to go down to my original dose of depakote and see how I do. I am on a fairly low dose of Seroquel, 150mgs.

Can your husband help you get the mere basics out the way? I think you really just need to focus on doing the most basic things and leave everything else to fend for itself. Don't be hard on yourself, don't take on any projects, don't commit to anything, just look after yourself. And if it means a few days in the hospital - yes; AGAIN! - then so be it. Washing yourself will be taken care of, and your meds can finally be adjusted in controlled environment - I actually cannot believe the amount of med adjustments you've been through in the last few weeks.

Hope things look up for you soon - take it easy, stay in bed, watch TV, read a book... When you feel strong enough, encourage yourself to go for a walk in the fresh air; it'll bring you on in leaps and bounds

Good idea about the hubby helping, esp with the showering
Like the others said, drugs suck, hopefully your doctor can help soon.
Two things that work for me, getting outside, preferably for a walk, but sometimes thats too hard...
and a really big too hard basket, to put everything you can't deal with at the moment... allow yourself to have a break and put things off till your feeling better.

Your idea sounds so lovely, but someone has to take care of the kids during the day. My husband is overworked and worn out. He already does all the cooking and cleaning, etc. He leaves the house at 7 in the morning and doesn't get back home until 6:30 or 7 at night.

I have to pick up my youngest at daycare at noon. Today I got my parents to do it, but every time I ask them, I have to answer the same questions , "Are you OK? What's going on? Are you having bad thoughts?" They think it is simple for me to pinpoint how I am feeling. Half the time I have no idea. Today I tried to use the sick to my stomach excuse, but my mom pried into my emotional state.

Anyway, I have today to myself, but I am not going to be able to do that every day. I wish I could just say, "I don't feel good." and leave it at that.

I really don't want to go to the hospital again, but if things get more dangerous than they are, I will go.

By the way, after reading all the responses, and talking to my T today, I see that I am still depressed.

Sorry you're depressed or at least feeling flat.

I've been listless and lethargic many of times, but one of the key elements of depression is anhedonia. So if you're finding yourself not feeling any pleasure about anything (sleeping, eating, others' company) then you are depressed. But you've already decided that that was/is the case.

Sending you big and hoping that an adjustment of your meds does you a world of good.

I'm holding thumbs you have a good session with your T today and feel better soon. This depression business is really so draining on one. Glad you are managing to get around a bit, even if it is out of necessity (Fetching kids)

(((HUGS)))

Maybe I am just a big faker. I have had my parents take my kids all week, and I sit in my chair doing pretty much nothing but watch tv. Maybe I just don't want kids anymore. Maybe I am just a crappy mom who can't handle kids. Maybe I am selfish.

Am I sick, or am I just a pathetic excuse for a person, seeking attention.

My thoughts are so confused and jumbled up. I don't know what to say when someone asks how I am feeling. I don't know how to express myself when I need help. I asked my husband yesterday what I should do about this depression and he said that he doesn't know.

My mind works like a flip book all night long. I have cryptic dreams where I end up walking past the psych ward at the hospital and the staff comes out and walks me away as if going inside would suck me in to illness forever.

I feel like meds are poison. I feel anxious, my stomach is in knots, I sleep too much.

I don't feel legitimate because I can't explain this stuff to anyone. It leads to a 20 minute discussion with people who aren't in a position to analyze me (my parents and friends, generally). I just don't have the energy for that. So I cought a little cold this week and I don't feel all that bad but I played it up like it was the flu so that I could get the help I need with the kids and not have to discuss my mental state with people who don't understand.

I don't even know what I am talking about. I just want to disappear, but I have all these people in my way. I am not thinking straight. How do I sort this all out?

I am feeling like my thoughts are all in knots. I feel like I have to crawl through a rubber band ball to get through the day. It is getting difficult to keep this up all the time.

Maybe you just have a hard time expressing yourself, but you seem to do it well when you write it down. Have you thought about taking some of your posts to your T?

Dear BNLsMOM--You're not a terrible mom, AND get help. I don't think having the day alone to yourself is all that good of an idea. I want you to call your crisis help--whomever that is-- and get the ball rolling. I hide from my parents--I really get that. I try to hide from my own family--don't want to be either an emotioinal burden or a time burden.

So, first, you make the call. Then, if you can, you do something very small that is nice for yourself and that you won't let yourself do if anyone else is around--either watching or wanting some, too--like eat ice cream when it's the last of the tub, or not after eating dinner, or whatever. Maybe the something very small is letting yourself wear your best scarf, your best earrings--no matter that help is coming. Maybe it is putting on your coziest socks? Doesn't matter what it is.

I really know the not-showering, skipping-the-whole-hygiene thing. I know how it feels--not just the inability to do it, but the embarrassment and maybe even shame that come from it. But, you know what? Big deal that you're not following the 21st century expectations--hey! you're saving water!

You're a good mom. Let this one ride. .. It's very complicated and not something to be thinking about right now . That conversation will come with a therapist.

So, please get help now, and let us know what's up.

Really sorry you don't feel well (or worse, not really know how you feel) but you are not alone...Your post really comforted me because along with another incident I had started having doubts even about my diagnosis on the grounds of excalty that feeling that seems to belong to neither pole! So thank you for that...But yes, as others have said, I suppose it is mild or controlled depression...Not sure what to do about it though...The only thing I try is to keep myself in touch with reality and what's true to me so as not to sink or lose myself in this 'presence of non-existence'! If that makes any sense...

Lots of hugs and love

I have actually let my T make a photo copy of my journal so that he can read it.

I have been in close touch with my T, and have spoken with my p-doc several times regarding medicine. I will see my T tomorrow and I will print this post out for him.

I am not sure what else to do.

Hugs and keep posting!

Bpd2, Thank you for being so concerned.

My parents just brought the kids home and I finally spilled to them how I am feeling and how I don't feel equipped to take care of the kids. They want to help, but I feel so guilty. They go to Florida for the winter so that they can enjoy the warm weather now that they are retired and they are considering not going until later.

That is a really nice gesture, but I told my mom that if they don't go until I am feeling better and then they go until April, it is likely that I would have a similar episode before they got home. I don't want them to feel like they have to spend their whole winter home in the cold because I might need them to take the kids sometimes.

I am already too much of a burden to them and they are already jumping through hoops to help me (even with the annoying questions and discussions). I do appreciate what they are offering. I just don't want them to have to offer it.

On the other side of the coin, knowing that they will be gone for months terrifies me this year.