i hate the holidays

It's very concerning when you realize that hey you haven't left your house...but have no desire to do so. Currently i am unable/unwilling, maybe it's the season...i hate holidays and any reminder that they are iminent. So going out at this time feels impossible.More then that though...i even isolate in my home with my husband. Sometimes i'm watching myself reject him, but when he tries to hug me i just recoil and shake...i truely want to be alone, but cant bear the thought at the same time. I dont want to hurt him...but i already am..and i dont know how to stop myself, you know i just want to stop the movie and hug him back. I actually know it's because i stopped my meds, and i know they are important and everything but i just want to quit for a while..come down..and then re start them...so i can be happy again. I need that bit of depression..i need to be able to cry and feel..even just a short time...cause the hypo mania is nice but it seems make me feel nothing and i hate that. I dunno what i'm looking for..with posting..i dont even know if i want a reply..i think i just need to get it out, i hate the damn holidays...i hate them hate them hate them.

I hate the holidays, too, but it seems likely it's not the holidays so much as stopping your meds. Did you stop your meds on your own? And does your husband know you did? Wanting to feel something is natural; choosing depression is probably not a good idea. It's possible you need a different combo of meds; and if you haven't worked with your doctor on it, how can you be sure you've chosen the best course of action? If your husband doesn't know you've stopped your meds, at least talk to him about it. Then he might understand that you're not rejecting him, but that you are reacting to the lack of meds.

Not a fan of the holidays either Ryask. I hope you have spoken to your pdoc about stopping your meds. If not I suggest you do that and discuss med options. We all need to feel, but I'm not sure how a major depression will help. I hope you're feeling better soon.

I haven't spoken to the pdoc...and i don't plan on it, i did tell my husband...and he said he knew i stopped because i have begun to be unbearable....i don't care...though...at all...anymore...i don't need them I'm just gonna do my own thing...i bet I'm not even bi-polar...really i don't think i am ...i think the med just made me like that. Normal people get depressed...and normal people get happy too...it doesnt have to be depression and mania...it can just be normal..

Those same thoughts come into my head as well Ryask. But I realize that between my wife, my pdoc, and my therapist they all see things that I don't see myself. Like my slow mood changes for example, like when I rise or fall ever so slightly. It's like if you are in the bath tub and the water is just right, but over time it gets colder and colder and you don't realize the water got colder until it gets too cold. That's what I relate my mood changes too.

You may be different though, I do not know personally. I would just listen to your husband, he sees your mood changes more than you will.

I use a mood tracker..i know they have changed...so what

robw thanks for taking the time to try to help Very kind of you...WO.olf (Hope you feel some relief soon Ryask)

I do want to thank all the people who replyed, i don't want to give the impression that i don't care about your thoughts or help...i do

Merry Christmas Ryask......Or happy winter...or any lovely thing you do in the season!!

I am trying to focus on the positive, but for the next couple of days I am just going to gloss over and get through.

And we care about you..I hope that you will get thru this troubling time and be able to see how much you are loved and how many people really care about you.

Exactly!!!!