[widgets]

I've been crazy, i've been completely up the walls and back again tonight, i zoned out, sat on the floor rocking backwards and forwards, crying, talking to myself, words that i didnt even know were there. Now i'm fine, a little anxiety about sleep but fine other than that.

They come up with every term... bipolar, depression, depression, anxiety, borderline, narcissist, low self esteem, not all diagnoses, maybe just fleeting thoughts, possibilities.
But for me its none of that.
Mania - doing everything in the world to prevent myself from ever being alone.
Depression - the consequence of being alone.
Anxiety - The FEAR, the TERROR, the COMPLETE AND UTTER MORTIFICATION at the thought of being alone.
Borderline - a fancy way of saying needy... but at the end of the day, is there anyone out that that DOESNT WANT to be loved, by ANYONE AT ALL. no there isnt.

FOR ME.

its not about BEING bipolar, all the medication and therapy in the world cant help cause in the end, all i am is a 20 year old girl, who is second, third or fourth best, to, quite a FEW people, but the No1 to no one... All i want is for someone to LOVE me, not a partner as such, not ANYONE WHO WILL, just for one of the people i love to love me more than they love anyone else.

The second i am on my own i'm seven years old wanting my mum to come home and give me some attention and wishing my dad was alive..

I cant make myself the most important person to any of the most important people to me, and thats a fact, and i have to deal with that.. But i CAN NOT help that that is all i want.
For the first time in my life i am alone, i've been avoiding the inevitable for so long and forcing it away, but i've made it worse for myself in the end, its like taking a plaster off, you have to do it quickly, but my plaster is numbing my pain and i dont know if i am ready to take it off yet.

I know i'm depressed when i start talking in metaphors, i hate myself, i cant stand myself, i tell myself i hate myself every single day and somehow that helps me, but i forgot to analyse that while i was ripping myself up trying to work everything out... and i cant be bothered to go back now.

Anyway, please dont say that i wont be alone forever, because i know i will, and i think i'll come to terms with that or kill myself... I'm not sure which yet.. i know that there is no way i can be in a relationship, and thats not what i want anyway.
Imagine i could talk to myself the day i die and that me tells me that "no, you never had a boyfriend or girlfriend." THATS how certain it is that i know...

needed to get all this written down, else it will all go out of my head, and i wouldnt have got any closer to understanding it.

[Ryask]

You actually aren't alone, you just don't like the company. You will always have you, you always know what you need to hear to make yourself feel better. You can choose to be first "number one" in your life. You have to be enough for yourself. To be honest if you ever do have a relationship even though you think you never will or whatever...if you do it wont turn out great if you don't love you. I think thats what you should talk to your therapist about, set that as a goal...your therapist knows how important it is to love and care for yourself and i think self esteem is the single hardest thing to gain, but when you have it.....it's worth the fight...because then you will never be alone...and the one thing that will be with you for the rest of your life...is actually...just you.

[PT52]

Ryask is right - people love us only to the extent that we love ourselves. I'm not going to say you are guaranteed to find love; no one is. But one thing I'm certain of; if you choose to believe it's not possible, then for sure it won't happen. And I know you don't want to hear that you are young, be patient, all of that. I'll just tell you what I did. I got married at 20 because I believed that if I didn't, I would be alone the rest of my life. I learned the hard way that getting married for the wrong reasons is painful and destructive. I learned that it's better to be alone than to be with the wrong person. I was 40 when I married my true soul mate...sometimes I still feel alone, sometimes we don't get along, but this time it's okay. I'm glad I waited.

[sugahorse1]

(((Widgets))) These are your perceptions and feelings, and you need to work through them - understand where they are coming from. Can you work with a T/counsellor/social worker and try get to the core of what it is?
I battle with it too, and only by sitting in therapy and working through everything, will I hopefully, eventually, get to the bottom of things and love myself again.

[lonegael]

Man, you are feeling the disease, hon, I remember being fourteen and being where you are now. It hurts so bad. They are right, you know. And you know what? You are worth loving. A lot. Right now, most people your age are still having to figure that out, and don't be fooled by how they act when they are with you. Thy all wonder if there is someone out there that really cares. They still measure themselves by other people. A lot of that is normal, and some of it is because right now, your emotions are just very, very strong and they are telling you stuff that is not necesaril true. It just feels that way and feelings are not omens, they are not any more real than you make them, they are uncomfortable, but they pass.
Widgit. Just look at you profile picture. How could someone not love you? Sweetie, see if you can talk to a T and see if she can help you learn to comfort yourself when you get like this. I read what you write, and I want to hop through the screen and wrap you up in a fuzzy blue blanket and give you a big warm teddybear, not to be stupid, but I feel your need for consolation so deeply. HUGGGGGGSSSSSSS. You AREN*T falling apart. SEE? Find a warm blanket, wrap yourself up, get some warm, sweet thing to drink. It will pass, Widgit. It will pass.

[widgets]

I'm my own worst enemy.. And i know that, i totally understand that i cant expect anyone else to love me if i dont love myself, i dont know how to love myself.
Even when my self esteems high and i feel i can do anything i'd still look at myself in the mirror with disgust.
I've lost my job this week, all of my friends seem to be moving forward into being an adult, but i cant find my path. Its not exactly a relationship i want i just dont want to be lonely.
I have a few specific friends that i would spend every hour of the day with and lots of friends that even when i am down and lonely i'd rather be on my own than with them.
the feeling of being in a house on my own makes me feel sick, but i've been alone since 10pm last night and i'm sort of getting used to it.
I dont belong anywhere, i dont want to go home because i hate my family seeing me down, but i dont want to spend another night in my friends flat cause then i will be on my own.
I hear what you're all saying and i understand it, i just cant believe it at the moment.
i have college at 4 so i need to start getting ready for that soon.

[PT52]

It's okay, you don't have to believe it now. Just know that you will believe it someday. Learning to love yourself doesn't come easy to anyone; with the right tools, you'll figure it out.