[BNLsMOM]

I have been told that when I was a child Iwould be sitting on my mom's lap and asking her to get closer. It was impossible for her to be closer to me.

With my husband (who isn't all that affectionate in the first place) I feel like I have to beg to be touched and if conditions aren't allperfect, he won't do it. It used to be that way in the bedroom, but now we don't have that kind of relationship anymore. I feel neglected and seperated.

I wish I could say that I wasin pain and he would respond with "Oh,let me help.Can I rub itout for you?" Instead I beg for him to rub a sore muscle and I feel bad because he is so put off by it. I have asked him 3 days in a row to help me with sore calf muscles and every day he has said no.

I feel so weird when I go to massage therapy (once every two months or so) because I can pay for a more loving, restorative touch than what I get at home. When my husband does finally agree to touch me, his attention is not on me at all. He rubsmy back or feet with one hand and the other hand and his attention is on his phone or computer. Half the time he doesn't answer me when I speak.

We have been in therapy together for two years and have basically come to the conclusion that we are parenting partners and not much more.

Maybe I just need love too much. Maybe I am just too insatiable and will never have enough no matter what.

[BlackPup]

wish I could send a hundred s
You deserve to be loved and I am really sorry your hubby does not appreciate you. The fault is in him not loving you enough not you wanting too much. It is right and good to want to be loved - but no-one can love another person perfectly - some things you write about my partner and I struggle with...
I found the book Passionate marriage by David Schnarch really helpful to identify what are my problems and what are his...

[Ryask]

I was in a relationship like that...it almost seemed the more he distanced physically..the more i wanted from him..one day he turned to me after my asking him for the thousandth time "why do you never want to...be affectionate". I wasn't prepared for his answer.....he told me the truth..the truth was he didn't even like me..he said there were things physically he could never get past about me....i ...just..broke....what a waste of 4 years of my life...people always say it's not your fault..it's theirs...well...that was of no comfort to me...the best thing i ever did in my whole damn life was kick his sorry *** out of my home. I just wish he would have saved me the 4 years of agony...and told me sooner. Before i invested every last emotion into him...before i loved him....before i wanted so much for him to love me back..but he didn't...and Men rarely change..and if your willing to spend the rest of your like in a loveless...empty marriage for whatever reason..i mean..things never will. Thats just how i feel BNL's...you deserve better...much better and i hope one day...you will be enough for your happiness...and find a healthier relationship where you can be treated like a princess...like you deserve.

[sugahorse1]

I can relate to every post here. For the last few weeks/months, my boyfriend an d I, for the most part, almost live separate lives. I feel like a room-mate with him. And the less he is the for me, the more I feel I need him.
Always needing love is also a BPD trait

[BNLsMOM]

Originally Posted by Ryask

I was in a relationship like that...it almost seemed the more he distanced physically..the more i wanted from him..one day he turned to me after my asking him for the thousandth time "why do you never want to...be affectionate". I wasn't prepared for his answer.....he told me the truth..the truth was he didn't even like me..he said there were things physically he could never get past about me....i ...just..broke....what a waste of 4 years of my life...people always say it's not your fault..it's theirs...well...that was of no comfort to me...the best thing i ever did in my whole damn life was kick his sorry *** out of my home. I just wish he would have saved me the 4 years of agony...and told me sooner. Before i invested every last emotion into him...before i loved him....before i wanted so much for him to love me back..but he didn't...and Men rarely change..and if your willing to spend the rest of your like in a loveless...empty marriage for whatever reason..i mean..things never will. Thats just how i feel BNL's...you deserve better...much better and i hope one day...you will be enough for your happiness...and find a healthier relationship where you can be treated like a princess...like you deserve.

If I didn't have children, I would probably move on. My oldest has already gone through a divorce and although he was just a baby, he still lives with not being able to see his dad more than every other weekend, an occassional week's vacation and once a week for dinner. I can't put him through having to split time between his dad, stepdad and me.

My youngest is old enough to be really upset about it, especially since he is all about daddy.

I guess I have to accept that I will be with this man at least until my kids are grown, which puts me in my 50's. So, I have a chance of getting some affection in about 18 years.

[BNLsMOM]

I think I figured something out last night. I will describe our foot rub battle. I used to ask every day and beg, then we talked about it in therapy and I decided that I wasn't going to beg or ask so often because he doesn't like to do it. So I have been asking about once a week. If he says no, I have been respecting that. Soemtimes, I do end up begging which makes me feel weird. Then he will say "OK, in a few minutes" and then not say anything for about a half hour. Then I remind him that it has been a half hour and he says he needs a few more minutes. Then finally when I get him to do the footrub, I don't have his attention and he gives me a hard time about using lotion on my feet. (I know some of you think this would be gross, my husband does, but it is something that I enjoy.) Then when I tell him that something he is doing feels good, he stops. So I think what is happening is that he is being passive aggressive about the whole thing, and I end up having to pull teeth until he does it, and then I feel bad, and we have an argument. It is about way more than a foot rub.

Last night we talked a little bit about how much he hates it and I said I don't like that you hate touching me. He said that he doesn't hate touching me and I asked in what way. He put his hand on my shin (My legs were across his lap after several begging sessions on my part for a foot rub.) and I said it that about all you want to do? He said yes and that he hates massaging me. Hates it.

So how do I handle this without being a martyr ("Oh, I guess I'll live with you evver touching me again blah blah blah) ecause that is really my first instinct. I want to get all passive aggressive on him and count how many days he goes without offering a foot rub or massage of any kind. That is a pretty bad idea, because I did that with intimacy in the bedroom and now we have not gone there in a year and a half.

We are going totalk about it in counselling Saturday.

So I feel weird and dramaitc saying this, but I feel like some part of my being has been emptied out and shriveled up.

[BlackPup]

I HATE massaging my hubby... he always gets sore shoulders and wants them massaged, I'm not strong so its really tiring and boring... (and he is really crappy when he gives massages in return! )
I LOVE my hubby - the not wanting to massage is not about not loving him or wanting to touch him....
Can you book a regular massage with a massage therapist every few weeks and then just go at your own pace learning each others boundaries and respecting each others likes and dislikes... Take it slowly... things may get better

[sugahorse1]

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through BNL. Intimacy and touch mean a lot to me in a relationship. I really suffer if those are not available.
You have tried therapy, and also many different approaches to talking with him. And there are certain aspects he just does not seem to want to budge on. Can you really live without those things for the next 18 years? Or would it really be a lot fairer on yourself to break this relationship, find yourself again, and thereafter a relationship that can meet some of your needs.
Intimacy is a deep feeling - most of us have that need from the day we are born. It's going to be very hard for you to deprive yourself of it for the next 18 years. And you will land up depressed and frustrated about it. It will not make anyone happy.
I am not going to lecture you, or tell you what to do - these are just my thoughts - as a friend, and as someone who has had to consider similar situations recently

I HATE rubbing my husband's back, etc. It just isn't my thing. I am not a touchy feely kind of person. That has NOTHING to do with how I feel about my husband. I love him very much. Make good use of your massage therapy appointments. For me, it isn't about not loving my husband. It's just about the touch.

[BNLsMOM]

He just seems so distant in addition to not wanting to touch me. I feel like he has a shell around himself and that getting him to touch me is the only way to break through. Of course, I am now thinking that the harder I try to break through, the thicker the shell will become. Maybe it is time to just go do my thing and just be co-parents, as I have said before. Then I won't keep getting hurt.

Time to go develop my own interests, happiness and life and stop waiting for him to want to join me. Then maybe he'll begin to examine things and have room to develop himself instead of spending so much time rebuilding pieces of shell that I keep picking off.

[sugahorse1]

(((BNL))) this is such a hard decision - at all times, please put yourself first x