[Amarantha]

I had a rough day, not to sound complainy (not a word, I know). It started out great, I think I was having a manic episode all day until tonight and now I just feel horrible, like I cant move and have no reason to anyway. Usually my manic episodes don't last as long as my depressive ones but I've been going back and forth so much recently it's starting to make me feel constantly confused.
My mom, who is the only one who pays any attention to me anymore, doesn't get it and blames me for feeling this way. Especially when I'm depressed. She thinks that I should be able to control it and I'm choosing not to try. She actually said this to my face. And this made me feel monumentally worse than I already did because everyday I try so hard to be happy when I'm depressed, for their sake. Because I have it in my head that it somehow hurts other people, but I'm not so sure anymore. My mom at least certainly doesn't act this way.
And I'm tired of feeling guilty and everyone blaming me, because though I feel like I should be able to do something about it, I just can't, no matter how hard I try. It just hurts so much to hear someone say that it's not good enough.

I think the worst part about being a teenager with BP is that you can't deal with it in your own way, there's always someone at your back to scold you when you do something that isn't what they think is right or normal. Whereas if I were alone at least is be able to act it out properly, instead of trying to hide everything inside. Though maybe everyone with this disease feels this way, I wouldn't know.

I think about suicide all the time, but after hearing my mom say that if anything happened to me she would kill herself, the guilt of the idea is just too much for me. So I settle for devising creative plans for just how I might accomplish it some day.
I wonder if someone's life could be one, drawn out suicide attempt, living in misery your whole life until one day nothing holds you back and you just end it.

I wish I was a firework and I could live my short life bright and shining, then just die out completely. That way I wouldn't feel guilty over it, because no one would miss me at all, and
they would remember me in my greatest, shining moment and nothing else.

Thanks for listening, it makes me feel better to get all my thoughts out there

[Mac Murphy]

Amarantha,
I hear you. I understand a lot of what you are saying. I wasn't diagnosed with BP until I was 38 years old but I had been dealing with symptoms since I was in my teens. I just never knew what to do about it then and my mood swings weren't really bad until I was in college. My parents never saw me when I was getting bad, so I never had to deal with what you are going through.

Like you, I dealt with suicidal thoughts and ideations a lot. I actually tried to kill myself too. I am so glad I was not successful. I never realized how selfish it would have been and how it would have hurt my wife and children. I think everyone who struggles with mental illness struggles with thoughts of suicide at some point and some struggle more than others. As much as it hurts now, as much as you may want to die, I am totally convinced that it will get better for you as long as you fight and don't give up.

As for your mom and the rest of your family, they are probably scared. When my parents first learned that I have BP they cried and blamed themselves. They thought that they had done something wrong. It took some time for me to educate them on my illness for them to realize they did nothing wrong. Maybe your parents are scared and maybe they blame themselves a little without fully understanding what you are dealing with. If you haven't done so maybe you could go to a family therapist who deals with mental illness and your family, or at least your mom, could gain some insight into your life. It can't hurt but it can get a little uncomfortable.

Just know that you have a lot of people here who will encourage you and help you work through what you are struggling with. We want to help because we understand. We have all been there and we don't like seeing others hurt. I hope you can find the peace you want and need.

Mac

[PT52]

Mac has made some really good points. This really is a tough one..maybe what your mom thinks of as "trying" is different than your definition. Here's the thing...when I was a teenager, there wasn't any BPII..if you didn't have full-blown mental illness, then you were labeled a drama queen or weak, or stupid. For a long time I had the same thoughts you're having. I imagined being a firework like you said and how everyone would be so sorry they treated me badly. I don't feel like that any more, but if I had acted on it, I wouldn't be here now, appreciating what is good in my life.

The truth is, more often than not, life is a struggle - but it is for everyone. Being a mom, I can tell you that your mom is blaming herself that you're not better, which is why she pushes you to try harder. Mentally willing yourself to be happy is just going to make you more miserable. Feeling guilty is something that you have chosen - believe it or not, no one who cares about you is deliberately trying to make you feel guilty or miserable. Learning tools to help you focus on a positive outlook is really important, and therapy helps a lot.

Trying to bury your feelings isn't good, but you also need to accept that when you choose to act out, you also have to accept whatever consequences there are. Example: say you get mad and break a lamp. Even if it was the BP talking, you are still responsible for making it right - apologize and replace it if you can, but at least apologize for breaking it.

The other thing is that it takes a lot of energy to focus on the dark side and keep it up. Just think if you learned to take that energy and focus it on the good things in your life. That's where therapy comes in again.

I know it doesn't feel like it, but it gets better. If all you do is say that to yourself over and over, "It gets better." "It gets better." "IT GETS BETTER!", then you will find that you have the strength to keep going.

[blueoctober]

Originally Posted by Amarantha

I think about suicide all the time, but after hearing my mom say that if anything happened to me she would kill herself, the guilt of the idea is just too much for me. So I settle for devising creative plans for just how I might accomplish it some day.

Are you seeing a Psychiatrist and therapist? If not that would be a great place to start. It may also help to have your mom sit in on the appointment. Please don't suffer in silence with these thoughts. I have dealt with them since I was very young and didn't tell anyone. Luckily during my last attempt I was found and was committed to a Psych hospital where I received my BP diagnosis. If you feel you can't talk to your mom about these thoughts please talk to someone else (even if it's a school counselor).

The book in my signature is for family members/significant other for those diagnosed. Perhaps your mom would be willing to read it. There are also books for family members of children/teens with BP.

[Confusedinomicon]

I agree with Blue. Since I was in hs, I would go through times where I didn't want to live, and other times where I felt like I was at the top of the world. When I moved to uni, it got worse and for a year I started to lose it and ended up hospitalized. Talking to a pdoc who will listen to you about your concerns and, when ready, having a T is the best thing that can happen.

I'm only getting to the point where I think I'm willing to talk to a therapist. I hope you get there.<333333