Derailed Meltdown

Above anything else in the world I HATE needing help from people. Way too many opportunities for derailment and any derailment causes me to immediately meltdown. I hyperventilate, cry uncontrolably and become more and more enraged with myself and the rest of the world.

This morning I shuffled through and checked and double checked that I had all the forms and all the supporting documentation ready for my application for disability assistance. All I needed to complete the package was to pick up the doctor's report and meet with the mental health counsellor to get his part completed. The doctor's office phoned on Friday to let me know the forms were ready for me to pick up.

I had an appointment Friday with mental health expecting I would have the doctor's report etc so Frank could do his part. Unfortunately the papers weren't ready in time so I cancelled the appointment on Friday and told them I would call as soon as I had the paperwork.

I call for an appointment and the soonest is next week. The news devistates me. I have no control in the moment to not give in to the flood of overwhelming emotions. All I want in the moment is to be free of entanglement. She asks if I still want the time and consumed by emotions and a simmering rage I say no.... it will be too late. I need one of the forms to get meds and tommorrow I will be out of meds. The sooner I get my application completed the sooner I get assistance. I was told this morning during a preliminary phone interview that everything needed to be submitted within 5 days of the interview or my file would be closed. All my effort to date was for not. I was being let down yet again and I have only myself to blame. I feel trapped in a world of one catch 22 after another. In my mind I was already jumping ship before she even asked if I still wanted the appointment time. The only thing that can console me in those minutes is exerting my power by saying NO MORE!! I want off this train to nowhere. I want out of this web of distruction.

I push myself out of the fire and try to calm my breathing and separate from the emotionally charged thinking with meditation. I have a shower, nibble on some lunch and do some chores to try to keep my mind focused on the moment so I can recover from the meltdown and settle my rage.

I start to calm down some when I get a call from the drs. office. The doctor can not release the form until I completed a section of my own. I tell her the process has changed. The applicate's section is all done on line now. I tell her I had been told to just take the forms required for the doctor to fill in and sign and submit them with my other documentation. She said she knew nothing about the change and could not release the forms until I completed my section. ARRGGG!!! Another derailment and another even more intense meltdown. I destroy all the papers and forms I had completed and scream "I CAN'T DO THIS. I WON'T DO THIS. I AM DONE WITH THIS."

Then of course reality hits and I know I am desperate and have nowhere else to turn. I can't quit. I have to somehow find the strength to overcome the derailments. I know they are minor in reality but not in my reality. They are dealbreaker triggers in my reality.

I think, call my brother and ask for his help navigating through all of this. I don't call because I am too ashamed of how I react to minor obsticles. I don't want to drag him out here 2 hours from his home to help me do something that anyone else would sail through without much more then a hiccup. I just know he would laugh at me. I would laugh at me for being so pathetic and silly.

I continue to try to regroup and see if I can't navigate a path through the maze. I am limited in how well I can do this because even considering my options puts a new flame under my rage.

Thinking outside of my emotions I determine that if I can continue I should still go up to the drs. office and humour the nurse by completing the 6 page section she thinks I need to complete so she will release the drs report to me. I set aside concerns that when I submit the application some misinformation will surface and I will be derailed again. Can't go there. It just feed the quiter when what I need is to empower the survivor.

I consider maybe I download some new forms and drop them off at mental health and maybe just maybe Frank can find the 10 or 15 minutes before Friday to fill out the assessor form for my application or at least sign off on another so I can get my meds. I wonder why the receptionist didn't offer this idea, especially when I told her what the delay meant to my application and med plan. Perhaps it won't be an option and I will face another disappointment when my efforts are for not. Again. Can't go there.....

So I sit here considering if I am up to another try. I am totally drained and would rather turn my back on the whole thing but at the same time I feel trapped. If only I could support myself and get my life back. If only I didn't need to rely on anyone or any process to support me. If only I could take care of myself.

I am wasted.... sorry for going on and on. The day is torture.... once again I exaggerate reality. Its just a blip so why does it feel like a mountain just feel on me? I know why but knowing doesn't make it easier to work through. Woo is me. I am so tired. Too tired to even proof my post so my apologies for any mistakes.

I'm sorry things are tough right now... I've been there. Just remind yourself it will get better.

I am glad that you are keeping it at a simmer and not boiling over, though I am sure you would like to turn off or at least down the heat. Keep working and you will get it figured out.

*hugs*

(((((Sanityseeker)))))
It isn't just a blip when it consumes all your effort and resources to try and try and try and continuously feel completely overwhelmed. It is a whole lot tougher than most people can ever imagine.
The whole system seems completely oblivious to how difficult it is for someone with bipolar to deal with the red tape and apparently minor obstacles.
I ache for you, and pray you will be able to persevere and get the disability cover you need.

Ditto what TS said, I get how overwhelming it can be, and how inadequate that can make you feel. Please know that you are not alone, I pray things work out for you hun.

Thank you so much for your support and encouragement. It was a very trying day. With time and distance I am thinking more clearly and feeling less distressed and defeated.

I did manage to get to the drs office to deal with the forms. A few more glitches later and I am still without forms. Maybe tomorrow. Oh and one is going to cost you a fee. Geesh people!! If I had money would I be applying for financial assistance? The world is crazier then me and that is what makes me so crazy. lol.

I was too late for the mental health office so I will try tomorrow. Just as well in case my adjusted plan doesn't wash either. I didn't need any more bad news today.

Thanks again everyone.

((((((kitty))))))) thank you for your important reminder.
((((((merlin))))) thank you for your encouragement.
((((((tsuna)))))) and ((((((trippen))))) thank you for your prayers.

(((((((all of you))))) thank you for making me feel okay about sharing my less glamourous moments. It is helpful to talk about these experiences. To connect with others who have similar experiences and to gain from your wisdom. It helps to cut into my sense of panic and it helps to keep me from letting things spiral too far out of control.

I will be a little more prepared before I head out again tomorrow on this rediculous but necessary 'mission of the forms'. The road is not as impossible as it seemed for a while there today. I will try again to make it all the way through the journey.

Good luck, sanityseeker.

Dear friend... you need to be 'fit and well to be sick' in this society. How energy draining having to go through this long process of stupidity. I know you're not the one to give up... You've managed to find your way through many storms before and I'm convinced you will do so this time as well.
It's not a sign of weakness hun to share your thoughts and worries. Yes, I know it feels like it is. We're put on this earth together with so many others and empathy is still alive. You're always so caring towards your fellow human beings and friends... so why not let others be a bit supportive to you.

You will reach a solution to your financial difficulties. Very hard to be patient though when you're hurting and not feeling well. Money issues can really drag one down.

The most important thing is for you to try your very best to take care of YOU. Please try to get the rest and sleep needed and continue using the power nature gives... taking your walks and 'looking at the stars and the moon'.

/N

Could not possibly agree with Tsunamisurfer on this more. One very good thing is that it seems you have almost all the paperwork together, sanityseeker! That in itself is a major accomplishment.
Almost there...
(I totally melt down and feel defeated over things like this too, sanityseeker, if it is any consolation. You are not alone. )

Thank you everyone. The journey continues. More delays but overall some gains. Yesterday was a bust in terms of dealing with the forms. I just stayed quiet yesterday. I made it out today and accomplished more then I had expected.

Last on my list of errands was to fill a script. Without the form from mental health I knew I would have to pay a small dispensing fee but just my luck as of January 1st the insurance was only covering half the costs. So much for meds for a week or so. Fortunately the pharmacist advanced me enough to get me through the week. It could have easily been a meltdown moment but I am feeling sort of numb to it all today. The machine will move in its own time.

I really appreciate all your kind thoughts and words. Your support means a lot.

I can certainly use some good luck to find me soon Byz.

"fit and well to be sick"... well put N. It all feels like a test sometimes. And somedays I would have been fit and well enough to manage events. It all just caught me off guard. I snapped before I knew what was happening. It wasn't a good day for complications.

Yes that is a very good thing Innerzone to be almost through with the paper work. Then the waiting for the next round. I suppose one gets better at this as things get more familiar. I don't know.

I found some really critical mistake on the drs report for one of the applications. I had already caught a mistake and sent it back for correction. Now I find a bunch of conflicting answers and worst of all the big question.... certify disabled? He checked NO. But then he checks UNKNOWN and NOT SURE to questions attached to a YES response. What is he thinking? There is no point in sending in the application if he isn't going to certify me disabled. Its a stupid mistake he will fix but what if I hadn't caught it? Makes me wonder what mistakes he made on the forms sent directly to the ministry that I didn't get a change to proof.

Sooo glad the pharmacist advanced you a week, sanityseeker! What a relief!
The machine will move in its own time, indeed. May it move for you and soon as may be!