Questions on how I should respond/interact with someone who I suspect is BP or SA

Thank you to everyone who replied to my earlier (first) post "my daughter". I have some additional questions. I understand no one here, including myself, can diagnose my daughter, but I am trying to learn how to best handle this situation so will give you some more details.

First, my questions;
a) Her illness seems to be offlimits for discussing (because she is in denial). Is there a suggested way I can bring this subject up without causing her to be angry and withdraw from me?
b) We could be talking about any subject and if I ask a question, express any disagreement or if she interprets in any way that I am contradicting her that could also cause anger/irritability/withdraw from me
c)Does this mean I should always agree with her? I can never question anything she says? In effect, I can never have a normal conversation with her because it cannot be a two-way discussion?
d) When she says something hurtful to me how shld I respond? Ignore it? Say something like 'I'm sorry you feel that way" and end the conversation? If I end the conversation (which I sometimes do) then I risk her not speaking to me for a period of time (not always - sometimes we will talk the very next day and either she forgets the prev discussion or chooses to forget about it)

Just to give you some idea of previous interactions with her:

- I ask her how she is doing/ what she is doing - she respond I'm doing drugs and then I'm going to get married, stay married to someone for 10 years, then leave him because I'm not happy and then neglect my kids for the rest of my life (my kids lived with me after the separation and I never neglected them)
- accuses me of choosing 'a man' over my kids (I remarried yes but this statement is not true - very hurtful)
- expresses concern for my safety because she thinks I am sleeping around on my husband (NOT true)
- when I say that is a weird comment to say, she then says she cannot speak to me without my thinking she is schizoprenic or weird
- another time she had a complete breakdown and was distraught over supposedly sexually abusing a younger sibling when she was a child (
- she thinks she is her dead sister (whom she never met )
-she talks about having paranormal abilities (I ask her what this means and she didn't get angry to this - just said she can read people's minds and it's not scary at all)
-she gets very angry at me for 'speaking with one of her girlfriend's mothers' - I am confused because the girl she is talking about is someone from when she was little and I have no idea what she is talking about
- gets very angry and says if i don't leave the devil will come out of her and she threatens to throw something at me
- then quiets down and asks me to take her somewhere safe - I say I m happy to do that but when she hears I want to take her to Emergency, she gets upset again and says NO, somewhere out of the country, no doctors, no needles
(majority of above happened just prior to her being involuntarily admitted to hospital recently)

While in hospital she thought her room was bugged and the payphone was tapped. When I talked to her about this and said I didn't think so, she did not get angry this time.
She asks me, if when she was a little girl, did I call the government to bring some recreational program to our local park? I say no, why? No anger here.
- tells me how she was watching tv in the common room and male nurse was there and she got VERY worked up telling me she knew what he was thinking and he didn't think she should be watching this program because she was not american and she should have no interest in politics. When I suggested perhaps he wasn't thinking that at all, she got very upset
- she asked me about work and trying to keep the mood 'light' I told her I work with a great bunch of people and she responded 'well that's good if work is more important to you than your family"

- she has also had episodes of being very low and talking about suicide - fortunately she has never attempted anything to date.
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She has been in therapy off and on over the years so she certainly has had access to professional help - she just doesn't stick with it. She has just been releasd from hospital ( I think she hides certain things from them because she wanted to get out - but I could be wrong - now I am st arting to sound suspicious!?) She chooses not to live me now and stays with father (who is also in denial of any illness going on). Her first day back she was very hurtful to me saying she doesn't trust me and isn't gong to tell me anything about her follow up care. The nxt day she calls me sounding very sociable and wanting to see me. So I will be seeing her today - unless she changes her mind - but I am nervous as to how I conduct myself around her??!

Crazy to be nervous around my own daughter. I want to see her/ be with her, but I'm thinking I have to keep the health subject off limits? I am going to take someone's advice from here and seek professional help myself on how to deal with this, but in the meantime I am so consumed by all of this and am sooo grateful to everyone here for your feedback and suggestions. Sorry for such a long post!

Hey Joy,

As a Daughter who is still techniacally in denial I will answer as best as I can

First, my questions;
a) Her illness seems to be offlimits for discussing (because she is in denial). Is there a suggested way I can bring this subject up without causing her to be angry and withdraw from me?

Have you tried reading up and using resources? There is a good book called Living with Bipolar- for friends and family... really good and informative. I have actually read it before my family have and was taken aback by how well it described me lol.

b) We could be talking about any subject and if I ask a question, express any disagreement or if she interprets in any way that I am contradicting her that could also cause anger/irritability/withdraw from me

I am the same as your Daughter. Anything triggers me at the moment. Its the joys of not knowing your triggers that well. You could note down specific times/days/subjects that seem to upset your Daughter. Example at the moment mines is work... anything to do with work makes me angry and or upset and or anxious etc. Maybe your Daughter thinks the world is against her? Show her your there for her no matter how upset she gets. Remember the boundaries though your Daughter still has to respect you as her Mum.

c)Does this mean I should always agree with her? I can never question anything she says? In effect, I can never have a normal conversation with her because it cannot be a two-way discussion?

No you should not just agree with her so as not to upset your Daughter. That is making the boundaries shakey and makes your Daughter not respect your opinion. You need to explain to your Daughter that you are human and you have a opinion just like anyone else. If she does not like it then that is her opinion. She does not need to agree with your opinion but she does have to respect your opinion.

d) When she says something hurtful to me how shld I respond? Ignore it? Say something like 'I'm sorry you feel that way" and end the conversation? If I end the conversation (which I sometimes do) then I risk her not speaking to me for a period of time (not always - sometimes we will talk the very next day and either she forgets the prev discussion or chooses to forget about it)

I think you should respond and let her know that it is unacceptable to disrespect you. You are allow to do this. I think the thing not to do is "walk on egg shells" around her. Which I think you are doing so as not to upset your Daughter. But your Daughter needs to realise sometimes her behaviour/attitude is unacceptable and un-necessary.

Hope this helped?

Do you think your Daughter is trying to scare you? From reading your post I think she is. The whole paranomormal stuff would scare me lol. I would be suspicious too of if she is telling the full story to the doctors. I think your Daughter is in need of help so I hope she gets it soon.

You must be going round in circles, your mind must be on over drive. I am sorry you are going through this.

Your health needs are also being jepodiased as she is making you feel nervous around your own Daughter. Is there any chance you and your ex can sit down and chat about your Daughter? That might be 1 way to make things clear on what needs to happen.

How old is your Daughter?

Thank you Miss Laura! My daughter will be 22 this year. She has lived with me all her life except just prior to college she moved in with her dad briefly, and now more recentl she just moved back to him again. I can't really talk to him because we have differing opinions on what is best for her. IE he allows her to smoke pot in his house because he feels she needs it. I feel it has a negative effect on her and makes an existing situation more complicated. He also does not recognize crisis situations because I believe he is in denial too. Frankly I think he has his own set of problems but that is another story. Your feedback has been very helpful and I thank you for taking the time to get back to me Hug to you.

Hey Joy,

I am sorry things are not the greatest. I think it's hard when your kids are adults and you have no control in a sense of what you are let in on.

I personally have had to let my folks in as I was majorly struggling. I hope in time your Daughter realises you are not her punching bag and she needs to appreciate you a lot more than what she does now. It's just hard when this happens.

Hopefully someone else can come along and give you a "parents" view

Laura, one more quick question -do you suggest I admit to her that I do believe she has an iillness and when she is ready to deal with it/accept it, let her know I am here for her as always? Or do I just keep quiet about that? Thanks for suggesting that book....I do intend on doing some reading on this subject. thx again

I think you should tell her you think she is ill but you will always be there for her through out the process of getting diagnosised and the correct help she needs. Other wise she may think you have lied to her later on in time.

Only your Daughter can tell if she is ill or not as she is riding the rollercoaster. From what you have written I personally think she is ill.

The book is a good one and my Mum has read some of it. She doesn't like reading things that mean reality ie now!! But she has read some of it and agree's I have Bipolar Type 1 so least we agree on something lol

Mental illness is very hard on the person diagnosed and their family and friends. My suggestion would be to speak to a therapist and perhaps he or she will have some suggestions on how to set boundaries with your daughter.

Thank you ! I read your blog also - thank you for sharing.

Hi Joy,
I'm glad that this site is helping you. You've been given very good advice on this thread. Just wanted to say, I don't think your daughter is trying to scare you when she says she's psychic, she probably believes it. I used to justify my weird thoughts, and voices etc I heard by thinking I was psychic. It was a way of making sense of quite nonsensical information that was coming in.

I'm glad that she's still talking to you now that she's out, though she'll probably remain difficult. At least the lines of communication are still open.

When she says something hurtful, you're quite within your rights to let her know... she may take offense and think you're attacking her, but perhaps if instead of saying something like, "you hurt my feelings," you said, "that statement hurts me," it might help. I'm not saying that you personalise things, in fact I'm pretty sure you don't, but remember that if she's paranoid she'll always be looking out for personal attacks. As best you can you have to remain calm. I remember one time it got through to me that I was hurting my Dad he didn't actually say anything. He just sort of teared up, and turned his head away. At that point I realised what I was doing, and I didn't think he was attacking me. It's important she understands that other people have feelings too, it may draw her out of herself a little.

I'm sorry I can't offer better advice than people have here. I do think though that you're doing all the right things. Stay hopeful. Things can improve.

I wanted to add one thing about delusions/paranoia. When she says something that you think is a delusion or paranoid which she seems to be expressing quite alot. You can be supportive without agreeing. Like for example if she thinks her room is bugged, instead of saying "it's not" or "maybe it's not" you could try to reflect some feelings back. I mean if you thought your room was bugged how would you feel? You would probably be scared right? It's important to support "i'm sorry you feel like that, it must be really scary" but equally important is making sure if she asks you, that you don't just agree with her delusion. I mean make sure if she asks she knows that it's not reality, meaning you don't think her room is bugged but...you are understanding how she feels about her "room being bugged". In my experience people are a whole lot easier to have a relationship with if you can offer supporting statements, because any time you challenge they get defensive, and anytime you agree for the sake of not fighting your not being honest, neither of which are a great position to be in.

Getting help for yourself is excellent, I'm really glad your going to be taking that step. I hope things get easier for you and that your able to have a relationship with your daughter, you seem to be a really caring person, not may people would do the research, even come on forums looking for help, that speaks volumes about you.

Best of luck,
Tina

Excellent advice about acknowledging what she is feeling - thank you so much!

Ditto what everyone else said..learning tools you can use to cope will go a long way towards connecting with your daughter.
You're doing great educating yourself so well; what a therapist can do is give you the specific tools you need for your situation and exercises that will help you turn those skills into habit. Some take time and practice - I spend 10 minutes every day sitting very still and focusing on my breathing. It's harder than it sounds, but the results are that it helps me stay more calm in a stressful situation. I have a list of things I'm supposed to do every day that my therapist has taught me and I wouldn't have known about without her help.
Hugs!