feeling like a monsters inside of me....

I feel like I am a monster sometimes and i can't control my anger.....ok here it goes..I start off having a good day i wake up happy then one little thing dont go my way ,like maybe there is no cold soda in the fridge or sumthing dumb and i then its like i feel as if i could slam my head in a wall and scream at whoever is around me at the moment.which i know isnt fair now im calm but its like i find myself getting more angrier everyday and my anger sumtimes could last all day at ppl who didnt do anything to me. im so tired of feeling like a monster, the thoughts in my head go from racing thougts of what my husband told me one day to make me mad(when it happened a long time ago) or what sumone else did to me(or me thinking sumone did sumthing to me) when im not talking all these thoughts drive me nuts!! I have been self medicading for the last 10 years smokin pot to calm these feelings of rage and racing bad thoughts which i know is wrong but the meds never seemed to help me as good but im tired of not getting a good job because of me self medicating myself and I lost my medicad because i got a raise and then i fliped out one day in a rage mode at work and quit because of the way ppl talk about me and call me crazy!! i always do that and i keep quiting jobs on the spot when i get mad and feel myself about to blow up so now im depressed and cry all day bcuz i have no job and i feel like my husband deserves better than me so much so i told him that today while i was crying and on the verge of taking all my sleeping pills just so it all can go away!! i know its not te answer but i dont know what to do anymore?? i reapplied for medicad now i have n job so i can get back on my meds but what do i do besides pray the devilish thoughts away? help please? not to mention i cant sleep and when i do i dont wanna wake up just stay in bedroom forever!!!!!

Sounds like you need good stabilizing meds. I hope your Medicaid goes through soon so you can get them and start feeling better.

I definately understand the anger that you are going through. I'm a rapid cycling bipolar and I often will get irritated and angry at the drop of a hat, and then two seconds later I am just fine. It is hard to deal with these emotions. What makes it even harder is that fact that sometimes they are uncontrollable and interfere with everyday life (work, family).

I wish you the best of luck and hope that you are able to find the right combination of meds for you. Don't give up if the meds don't work right away. That is the one thing that really always gets me, is how long it takes for some meds to work, and the trial and error periods where it seems like nothing is going to work.

Hang in there (i know that seems like a pretty generic comment). Once you find the right mood stabilizer things should even out for you. Good luck.

((((((browneyes)))))) I am so sorry you are struggling with so much right now. It is such a painful place to be and it drains all your resources to cope. I know from my own experience how rage can cause so much havoc in your life. Rage has caused me to quit jobs on the spot over the years and then being stuck with the consequences. It is rough especially lossing your medicad. I hope that is resolved soon so you can get the help you need. Does that include see a doctor? If things get to hard to cope with in the meantime can you go to the hospital for help?

I am glad you posted so you can know that you are not alone during this time. We can all relate to your pain and sometimes, while we never wish any of this kind of suffering on anyone else it can be comforting to remember there are people out there who get it. Keep posting so we can be here to lift you up as you work through to a better place. You will get to a better place so hang in there browneyes.

I know too about self medicating with pot. It was my drug of choice to temper anxiety and like you I used it to quiet the raging. I am sure you have already noticed it is not only just a temporary solution but it can also over time begin to escelate symptoms. It seemed to make my depression worse but it took me awhile to accept that because the break from the anxiety was something I didn't want to give up. I go to it now and then but I avoid using for any length of time or it just becomes counter effective.

One thing I would really encourage you to do is to show yourself kindness. I get how the guilt and regrets can knock you down and get blown up when your brain is being mess with and your thoughts are all over the place. Add to that sleep deprivation and the restless brain goes into overdrive. You brain starts to play tricks on you.

Are there things you have done that have helped you when it gets this wild? Maybe a long bubble bath or a walk in the fresh air or listening to music? I like to watch a funny tv show or a movie. Laughter is great medicine. It often helps me turn things around a little to show myself some kindness. To just take some me time so it can distract me for a while from the buzing in my head. It can help bring the rage down a few knotches. Maybe your hubby can give you a message or a back rub. Give yourself permission to take a break and pamper yourself to help you get through this.

It can also help to remember that 'it is not you but it is the symptoms' that are out of wack right now. You are still the person your husband loves. None of this is your fault. The raging is a symptoms and once you get the help you need things can turn around for you. You have lots of people here who understand and can stand with you. You are not alone.

And by the way, welcome to PC. Wishing you better days ahead and I hope you can get some sleep soon.