[hahalebou]

I don't even know what I'm doing here. Well, I guess I can start by introducing myself. Hi. I'm fifteen, home-schooled, and I have no clue what's wrong with me but I'm pretty sure something is wrong. I don't know where else to put this, even though I don't think I'm quite bipolar. I apologize in advance if there are typos or sentences that don't quite make sense, it's almost 3AM where I live and I really just need to get this off my chest.

So, it all started on the first day of sixth grade I guess, when my mother and I got into a car accident. I remember the exact date, too. I was so shaken up after that day. That was the event that triggered a number of my mother's health problems, as well as my anxiety. I was also depressed for awhile after that, but it was nothing major. It was barely mild depression.

Then, I entered seventh grade. All my friends were gone, and by then my depression morphed into mild, almost moderate depression. It was difficult for me to make friends. My mother pulled me out and decided to home-school me a month or two after school started, which really messed me up. I was severely depressed and angsty for almost two years after that, up until the latter portion of eighth grade. Then I started going "up and down". Two years later (I'm in 10th grade now), my moods are still up and down. I've never had a manic episode, although by the definition of it, I'm guessing I've had a number of "varied" hypo-manic episodes. I say "varied" because not all of the hypo episodes were pleasant. Some of them made me highly irritable, to the point of picking fights for no reason and wanting to stab something. Other times I'd be really depressed and wanting to curl up and cry.

Just recently I've fantasized about cutting myself (which I have NEVER done before, and do not plan on doing!) I'm just so terrified right now, all I want is to know what's wrong with me. My mother has been saying for years that it's just hormones, but I just talked to her today about everything (minus wanting to stab things and fantasizing about cutting myself), and she said she'd take me to her therapist. That's all fine and dandy I guess, but I don't trust strangers...especially therapists. I'll try to open up to her, but I doubt I'll be able to.

Anyway, I'd like to apologize in advance if this ruffled some feathers. I'm not trying to make light of manic depression, I just really needed to say all this before I exploded. It probably just is hormones, but...I'm just scared, I guess. I honestly feel like it's something more than just a phase. Anyway, thanks for listening.

[hahalebou]

I forgot to add that the mood swings and fatigue I've been experiencing has made it increasingly difficult to focus on school. It's getting to the point where I can't even fake it anymore, and I feel so dumb. I went from being an honor student to something of a "lazy" slacker in four, almost five years. I would have added that in, but I can't edit my posts. :P

[missbelle]

There are some forums about cutting..check on them. and hopefully some of the members will see this and respond....
teen years are the worst, raging hormones etc....Only a Dr. would really know if you have something wrong. I do think you should start with a therapist and be really honest about stuff. There are good people out there. This here is an excellent place to start as we have so many people here with a lot of knowledge and dealing with their own demons.

My demon has been depression, probably starting in High school but I lived along time ago where depression and anything "wrong" was not really recognised. I was not diagnosed with major depression till twenty years later.

I hope you find some answers. So glad you are here!!!

[hollowone]

i am listening hahalebou, and i hear you. dont be scared. you arent alone. thank you for coming here, and please do see that therapist.

[bekthar]

(((((((hahalebou)))))))

My issues started in sixth grade as well, towards the end of the year, when I got a substitute teacher. It took me another three years to be diagnosed with bipolar disorder, when I was fifteen. Yes, it's possible that you could have it, but I'm not a psychiatrist, so I can't evaluate it. I would look into talking with a therapist or psychologist about your issues and they can suggest self-management techniques as well as a doctor who could diagnose you and possibly give you medicine, if needed. If you need any more advice I'm always here!

[hahalebou]

Thanks guys, I really do appreciate it. I'm feeling much better today, and my appointment with the therapist is set for next Thursday. I'll be sure to update you guys on how it goes!

[setemfree]

Welcome, Hahalebou!

Your post was perfectly coherent. I understand.

There is a chat system here, and it can be a lifesaver when you are at the edge.

I'm assuming, since you wrote that you are homeschooled, that you are working within some type of program which expects you to meet goals and show progress, is that so? If not, I'm guessing, you would just take a leave of absence to deal with these very important issues (much more important than dangling participles).

You're right, something is wrong. Seeing a therapist is one way to get on the road to "right" and hanging out in a forum where you can talk to others who have the ability to truly understand is another. Do you also have someone in your daily life who you can depend on for support?

Please let us know if there is anything we can do to support you through this process.

[hahalebou]

@setemfree yeah, I tried to go for the chatroom before making a post here. I'm trying to get to five posts so I can participate.

Yep, every month I meet with a CT (credentialed teacher) and give him samples of my work to turn into the state, to prove that I am meeting state standards and we're not trying to scam the system. I can't take a leave of absence without failing, and I really don't want to repeat the year. It would absolutely destroy me.

I have both my parents, my grandmother (to a certain extent), and I have friends that I can talk to. I trust them, it's just that I don't want to worry them, or burden them with my problems. It's such a relief to come here and say what's honestly on my mind, and I think that's what I need most right now.

[blueoctober]

Originally Posted by hahalebou

I trust them, it's just that I don't want to worry them, or burden them with my problems.

Welcome hahalebou. I can understand that feeling of not wanting to burden others with your problems, but it may help if you think about it from your friends/family's perspective. You probably wouldn't feel like they were a burden if he or she shared their concerns with you. Don't suffer in silence.

Seeing a therapist is a great idea and my only suggestion is to be honest with him or her.

[hahalebou]

Thanks, beth. I'll try my best to trust her.

[hahalebou]

Welp, my appointment with the therapist got pushed back to an unspecified date, due to scheduling conflicts and illness. Sigh.

I've been tracking my moods, and somehow I've been able to avoid severe depression, probably through better eating habits. I get mild depressive episodes but not as bad. I'm getting way more hypomanic episodes though, and one of them flirted dangerously with full-blown mania. I got two hours of sleep today, a major change from yesterday's (or is that the day before yesterday?) twelve hours and reluctance to get out of bed.

[Can't Stop Crying]

Hang in there hahalebou....try to talk to your parents, it might help relieve some of the stress you're feeling. Emotions are mulit-faceted things - hormones, situations, illnesses all contribute. Keep reaching out for help and welcome to PC

[Martina]

I hope you are able to see a therapist very soon. And I want to suggest - bring your mother with you, but don't have her sit in on the entire conversation unless YOU want her to.

I ran away from home at age 11 (and also attempted suicide, but my family didn't know that). The state forced my family into counseling.....but not once did I get to talk to the counselors ALONE. My family was always in the room. So I was afraid to be honest because of how my mother would react.

If I would have been diagnosed then, it would have saved me over 17 years of untreated hell.

Hang in there. You can get better. Please do your best to be honest with the therapist, and keep bugging your mother to make sure you get an appointment.

Medication might be an option as well, but I think most meds aren't approved for teens under 18. Some psychiatrists will still use them, though. Just be careful.

[Capriciousness]

Hugs to you! Hang in there. I'm glad you found this place. I applaud you for being so mature and self aware. You are really trying to take control of a really difficult situation. It can be better!

[hahalebou]

Thanks to all of you. Seems I spoke too soon about the depression thing, since it just hit me like a freight train...and not in a mild way. I will keep hanging on though, my willpower is hopefully stronger than my depression.