The same conversation

A conversation came to me today, and i have a feeling I'm not the only one. I just wish other people could understand what it feels like..what it feels like to be exhausted...from really nothing physical...it's mental tiredness..and it's impossible to explain. In the attempt to make sense they throw around labels like lazy and words like self pity and tell you to just get over it..to just go out into the "wonderful" outside and everything will be fine...they tell you..that it's your own fault your like this....then bi-polar pipes in and tells you how worthless you are and how you don't deserve to be understood or comforted...or loved...and then there you..hearing it from the "love" of your life..hearing from your life long "friend" bi-polar...and the only things that really make it stop...will kill you.....but your already dead...your already exhausted...

Partner: what did you do today
me: nothing....
Partner: i see that...
Bi-polar: I'm exhausted
Partner: From doing what....?
Bi-polar: from being me
Partner: I worked 10 hours today and i come home and find you laying in bed...what am i supposed to think
Bi-polar: I'm lazy, and i don't care about you because if i did i would have cleaned the house?
Partner:....sigh.....whatever
Bi-polar: just leave and get it over with i hate you
Partner: you know if you would go walk outside you would feel better...there is no sense moaning around the house all depressed
me: I'm tired...
Partner:.....*slamming dishes around* and I'm not? I have to work all day and come home and the house is a mess...and now i have to do the housework while you cry in bed all day and feel sorry for yourself?
Bi-polar: thanks for understanding......asshole
me: I'm sorry.....I'm tired

(((Hugs)))

Me too.

*hugs* yep...people don't quite know how it feels to be exhausted right from the get-go until it happens to them. It feels as if you're not physically able to do anything, and it's not simply a choice to be lazy. It's like being trapped inside your own body...

I certainly do understand that conversation

Thanks, at least i'm not the only one...

This kinda made me cry because it's how I feel.
Even though I've been taking my medication right, I still feel like he'd be better off without me. At least he wouldn't have to deal with my problems.
I shouldn't have, but I read an article about 'losers' in relationships, and now I feel even worse.
I can totally relate, though. :'(

i hear you on that....i feel extremely guilty...but it's difficult when you can't control it...

I understand....I understand the bone weary, soul weary exhaustion that makes it hard to feel like it is worth it to do even mundane things, like what is the point, it's too hard to move when gravity increased 100x somehow! and my H wonders why I couldn't even put the laundry away or what not, seems so simple to him, just do it, you're not weak, you're able......

Sounds familiar to me too. Although I have heard it with another part in it as well. "The things that have happened to you are not your fault." But I guess the same person can think that the by-product of the things that haunt us are.... "i.e. just shake it off!, just go outside and smile!, etc."
I have heard both sides from the same person in a matter of minutes. Which is very confusing to me.

I don't think people who haven't experienced the exhaustion depression can bring understand it. Even my parents who have dysthymia don't really and they come out with the advice of "do something" and while I admit that when I am doing things, I often fell better, sometimes I don't even have the energy to get out of bed.

I get so sick of "shake it off" "take a walk" "do something" "smile"
It's not that simple. I so wish it were.
You know, I still remain active as much as possible in my depression. It's 100 times harder to do anything and doing things doesn't make me feel any better. I just know I have to keep my forward momentum going.

Sounds so familiar - except for the part "hate you". We haven't gone there (yet). Usually it's just "I suck" and "I hate myself and you know it". Both parties do that in our household... as eventually my partner ends up hating herself for having been an arse about me being a lazy arse...
But the pattern repeats and I could easily put myself in the pants of both players.

I keep driving myself and moving too, because I know I have to keep forward momentum too, it's just harder and I give myself permission to let the less important things slide (not putting away laundry right away maybe so I have strength to make something for supper for the kids or read a book to them.....and just do the other thing whenever I can.....)

the i hate you comes out, in all honesty....i don't hate him...I'm giving him permission and a reason to leave...because i don't think he deserves it... I want him to leave because i say i hate him...not because I'm not worth loving....i dunno if that makes sence.

(((Ryask))) Obviously he cares for you deeply otherwise he wouldn't still be around. Maybe he doesn't completely understand or maybe he's just overloaded too. I often use the term "mentally exhausted" or "emotionally drained" to explain that "I just can't do it" feeling. It seems to help the people around me understand more how I'm feeling and how to help (or not help...just leave me be).

I understand your frustration. I used to be a complete extrovert, always going and around people before the bipolar disorder got bad. Now I need time alone to recharge and I've had a lot of trouble understanding that. Good luck with your situation. I hope you feel better soon!