[dal37]

so im in the military and just got stationed overseas where my wife and son couldnt come with me. right before i left she started her mood swings. at the time i didn't think much of it because i just thought she was upset and pushing me away to make it easier for her when i left. i didnt like accepting how she was treating me, but thats how i took it. after about a month of me being here i finally convinced her to go talk to a doctor about whats going on and after some time they diagnosed her with bipolar disorder type 2. im learning as much as i can about this disorder and doing my best to get on the same page as her and her current mood, but when all we have is skype, text, and phone i can only get as much as she gives me.

So, obviously this is really rough on me and her but my huge deal and main concern for this post is the fact that people say that they cant control how they act and what they do when they are manic. in some things i can accept that, but one night when my wife was at a -2 she confessed that she spent the night with a guy, and had some foreplay with another guy, and had sex with yet another guy. all about a week apart from each other and only a few weeks after i left. i also have read that some bipolar people reach out with sexual desires and like the thrill of being chased, but wouldnt the love for your husband be enough to deter you from reaching out towards someone else? and its not the same but we do have skype "dates" and "sex" which we both really enjoy but yet this still goes down. and she cant even tell me that it wont happen again. i promised her that i would never leave her, but i cant be with someone who isnt faithful to our marriage. but that brings another problem is it even right for me to ponder divorce since she at least claims she cant stop herself from doing the actions?

now can anyone help me out and try and help me understand how someone that claims im the only person they want to be with can "allow" themselves to be with someone else and want to be chased by them and like flirting back?

[tattoogirl33]

I can't speak for your wife but I know from my own experiences that no, during a Manic episode, love for another is not enough of a deterant.. I know this is hard to hear, but if it were me I know these things would have happened as well.. and most likely will again. Bipolar = out of sight, out of mind.. you aren't available to be there for her, so in a way you have "abandoned" her... or maybe she's in the mindset of "eh, I'm having fun, he probably is too so what the heck" IDK.. there are soooo many different issues with Bipolar.. I wish you luck, wish I could have been of some help

[blueoctober]

Welcome Dal37. It really depends on the person, but I think it says a lot for your wife that she let you know what happened. That took a lot of courage on her part. I have never cheated on a partner and have had BP symptoms since I was 8 (I was diagnosed a 31). I think it also depends on how severe the manic episode is. In Bipolar II the person will not have full blown mania it will be something called hypomania which is less severe.

Bottom line is now that your wife knows about her diagnosis she does have control over how she manages the illness. i.e. taking medication as prescribed, keeping a sleep schedule, going to therapy, eating properly etc.

The book in my signature is for spouses, family etc. It's excellent.

[Tsunamisurfer]

Hi Dal37.
Living apart will put strain on any marriage, so its not an easy or ideal situation you are in regardless of your wife's health.

The dividing line between Bipolar II and Bipolar I in terms of mania is somewhat arbitrary, and is just a matter of degree.
People with Bipolar Disorder tend to experience emotions very intensely.
In mania, we tend to find many things fascinating, the ordinary suddenly reveals gems and pleasures previously unnoticed, and people we would normally have passed by become highly attractive. Our bodies surge with energy and excitement and fleeting moral dilemmas give way to dizzy and impulsive attractions. Our judgement becomes impaired.
We may drive recklessly or get intimately involved with people we normally would not.
If we are not able to keep our mania in check, it can lead us to do serious damage to ourselves and those around us.

I have been very fortunate to have a wife who I can count on to help me if I miss my warning signs.

While you are not with your wife she probably needs a good friend she is in contact with on a daily basis, whom she can count on to be honest about her signs and behaviour, and get medical help immediately. (When we are manic, often we resist help or don't seek it on our own). She will need help just as readily when she hits the depths of depression, which is probably the more dangerous part of bipolar II.

[dragonfly2]

Hi Dal37 and welcome to PC.

I know the military isn't known for their flexibility, but is there any way you can return home? There must be some provision for serious family illness, even if it's just temporary while she stabilizes.

Unfortunately, infidelity is not uncommon in spouses with bipolar disorder. The hypersexuality in mania of any degree can be overwhelming, no matter how faithful a person would typically be. It's part of the illness, but that does not mean it should be tolerated. It is still her responsibility to manage her illness and try to prevent being in that state in the first place. Does she have any other supports at home while she is trying to get this under control? I agree, having a good friend is essential.

I wouldn't jump into thinking about divorce just yet. As with any chronic illness, it takes time to learn to manage it and get the medication right. There are skills she can learn to help her get through the manic impulsivity - does she have a therapist? Therapy is essential in learning how to manage this, especially when first diagnosed. You mentioned that she was "at a -2" when she told you about the infidelities. On one hand, it sounds like she is charting her moods, which is very good. On the other hand, it sounds like she is cycling between the hypomania and depression, which can be very dangerous. Oftentimes after a manic episode, there is a "crash" into depression. This is when the guilt of the stupid things we did when we were manic comes up. Right now I would try to look at the big picture and not focus on the sexual part of the illness. Even though her doctor is bound by confidentiality laws to not divulge information to you if she doesn't allow it, you can still talk to her doctor and voice your concerns. He/she may not know that she is cycling if it is happening quickly. It is often the people around us who are able to see things that we cannot.

It sounds like you love your wife very much and have taken this new diagnosis as best as you can. Continue to be there for her, but do not neglect your own needs. Is there someone you can talk to about your feelings about all of this? I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you to try to help her manage this from a distance. Does she have any family nearby who could take some of the pressure off you to watch out for her? Don't be afraid to ask for help.

This isn't an easy road to travel, but it can certainly be worth it. Hang in there and have faith that things will be better once her illness is effectively treated.

[mgran]

Oh, I'm sorry your wife hurt you like that. She really didn't mean to, I'm sure of that. You have to imagine how you would behave if you were to take drugs that made you "lose it". Your wife's brain occasionally overloads her with chemicals and hormones that act like a drug... it's not her fault. There are things that you can both do that will help prevent that kind of behaviour in future... firstly I think she needs to be medically compliant. And I think there are books I could recommend, if either of you have time or are interested?

[dal37]

yes i would love some books. i just read "when someone you love is bipolar'" by Cynthia Last. She does have a therapist and a doctor. one evaluates her moods and the other pretty much looks over her therapists notes and prescribes her meds accordingly. she takes them regularly. she does unfortunately take naps during the day and has a hard time getting a a strict schedule. she has a friend down the road from our house that helps her out and gets her out of the house sometimes. i do have someone i can talk to. to get some of my emotions and feelings out.

the military does have a thing for people with family delimas at home and im doing my best to get them to accept my request but i need one more form before i can submit it and then about 2 weeks to find out if they accepted it or declined it and from there it could be a week to a few months before i get back home to her. and yes i do love my wife very much. i also love our 18 month old son. who is at his grandparents for a few weeks to help my wife out as well.

and i know she would never hurt me intentionally but i cant just let it happen everytime she goes manic when im deployed or just not around for some reason or another.

[blueoctober]

Originally Posted by dal37

i know she would never hurt me intentionally but i cant just let it happen everytime she goes manic when im deployed or just not around for some reason or another.

I completely agree. Have you considered couples counseling? There are counselors that do therapy over skype, so that may be an option. I hope your leave is accepted and I think it's great your son can stay with the grandparents.

[elliemay]

Welcome and thank you very much for your service to the country. I am very sorry to hear about the problems that you are having with your family.

My mother is bipolar and I can certainly empathize with your situation. Your desire to help your wife is commendable, but I hope you can also focus enough to ensure your own safety overseas.

You're right, the military does have resources to help with spousal issues while you are deployed. I know about the endless forms, however. Gotta have the right DD 123 or whatever.

Also, I have noticed that when my mother is in a manic phase, well, she lies. She lies a lot. Usually in an attempt, conscious or otherwise, to be hurtful. Are you sure your wife's confessions are genuine?

IMO it is ultimately up to your wife to manage her own illness and, while there can be understanding and compassion on the part of family members, I have found that it is very very important to set boundaries regarding the kind of behavior you will and will not tolerate. It may seem hurtful, but, if you choose to stay with your wife, then I have found this a helpful and beneficial way to keep you "there" and safer from the hurt.

Finally, although you may be limited in what help you can provide, I think it is very very important that someone think about your son in this situation as well. Does he understand what is happening with his mother? Is there help (and more forms!) available for him.

This disorder can be so confusing, so hurtful and so exhausting for those of us that love someone with it.

Recruit as much help and as many resources as you can for yourself, your son and your wife.

And keep you safe.

[biblioknitter]

I am bi-polar II and have never cheated on a boyfriend(making out with another guy when I was 15 does not really count) Is your wife on medication and in therapy? If not she needs to be. I personally do not think she should use being bi-polar as an excuse for cheating and if I were you I would tell her that if she continues to cheat she will lose you. As for your child I feel for him since the stable parent is away and he is with someone who needs help. Sorry if this was harsh, but you deserve a spouse who will be faithful, especially if you are serving the country.