[SunAngel]

What dreams did you have for your life that died because of having BP Disorder?

My dream has always been to be a performer, either musician or actress.

BP killed this dream of mine because when I got really, really sick, I couldn't even perform a single task.

I remember when I volunteered for a blood drive, all I had to do was write down peoples names as they came in to give blood. I totally freaked out, my stress level went to 100% and I just got up and walked out.

I knew then that I would never be able to realize my dream because I freak out at the most simpliest tasks.

What dream of yours died because of BP Disorder?

[lunarpariah]

The dream that I fear losing the most is my career. I work for a great company and was on track to move up until my condition got to the point where, like you, the smallest thing would stress me out and caused me to lose concentration and my short term memory. I haven't totally given up, I'm praying the medications my pdoc is working on will take care of that. But for now I have to try to deal with the fact that I may never get where I want to be. Or maybe I just need to find another dream that is more realistic for now

I wish you well

[Phoenix_1]

My dream of being independent died with BP II.
I've been in business 6 times - I owned a bookkeeping service, I was a reflexologist, I owned a health food store, and so on and so on.
I had great plans and high expectations that crumbled into dust when the disorder turned on me. Things always started off great and it was all downhill from there.
With my last business I lost my life savings and all my hopes and dreams. I declared bankruptcy, and will never attempt to own my own business again. My hopes and dreams are dust and ashes now. I'm 8 years from retirement and I have nothing. I don't even own a car, let alone a house, and there's no money in the bank.
I'm reading a book by Dr. Ronald Fieve about BP II and he talks about people who are tremendously successful because of hypomania. Well I'm not one of them. Right now I can't even hold onto a job for more than 6 months.

[beatlefreak123]

I first was diagnosed w/ BP at 18. I was at college. I was having a great time partying and meeting new people. I never felt popular in high school so I was determined to change that in college. Then it all came crashing down. One morning I was so depressed and crying hysterically. I called my parents and told them I had to get out of there. I was only back from winter break two weeks. I found out some time later that my parents could not get the money that they paid for my second semester back. This made me feel pretty bad.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I never graduated from a 4 year college. I went to business/technical school which I graduated from. Not being a college grad is something I feel that Bipolar definitely interfered with.

Twenty some odd years later, I've been able to work (several different jobs, though), I've gotten married and I have an 11 year old son and an eight year old daughter. Even though bipolar feels like it could totally ruin your life, it doesn't have to. You cannot let it. One thing this illness has given me is some strength!

[Phoenix_1]

I was in University about 10 weeks when I crashed and had to go back home. 9 years later I tried to get my Certified Management Accountant's degree by correspondence but that crashed and burned too - I only finished 5 classes. I am too old now to go back to school - I really don't want student loans at the age of 57.

[Sophia57]

I never let bp stop me from doing anything. But I think it did stop me in subtle ways from achieving, esp. when I was younger. Rather than going to school and becoming a doctor or lawyer, which I could have done, I was self medicating with alcohol and very depressed.

Later, I did go back to school, but I had children by that time, and decided to become a teacher. I was very successful as an elementary music teacher, and also French, because the classes were short, and I was on task, and kept the kids going for the whole time which they loved. Hypomania was helpful in that case.

The other teachers wondered how I did it. Eventually, I burned out my voice, and then I got Rheumatoid Arthritis, so I had to give up teaching. I was also a musician and still play in church.

I think the worst dream BP destroyed is just being able to relate to people in a normal way. Not always wondering if they were thinking I was weird. Some very hard early years.

[BlackPup]

i've just finished my PhD in science and I'm now looking for a job... I don't think I will ever be able to get a job because I feel like I've been hit by a truck... my mind is numb and I can't think anymore...

I'm trying to use BD to my advantage in trying to accomplish my goals. I'm starting my colelge courses online &, though I feel helpless sometimes in trying to fight with the school to get registered, I try to summon all of the hypomania that helped me make stupid decisions in the past into keeping myself motivated now.
I'm doing my classes online so I don't have to be in rooms surrounded by people & can work at my own pace, be it fast or if I need a little time... Though once I finish my AA, I'm going to be going to a big university, so I'm going to need the hands-on experience, but hopefully by then I'll be medicated & will be able to talk to the disability team at the school so I can get a little leeway.
I have BD I, as well as Rheumatoid Arthritis & some other health problems... Though it has been a challenge, the biggest problem was allowing myself to hold me back & being surrounded by the wrong people. I used to be surrounded by a bunch of friends who, though they were fun & kept me entertained, would never try to help me out in a rut or understand me. It was poisonous, especially when I would be on a manic streak & was easily influenced into doing stupid things. The best medicine is a positive outlook. : )

BlackPup: What science do you have a PhD in? I'm going for neuroscience with a concentration in cognitive psychology. I used to want to be a theoretical physicist, but... While I love Richard Feynman & quantum mechanics, I couldn't pass up the chance to study both physical/biological science & my love of psychology! Hehe

[wing]

BP robbed me of the confidence I needed to become a doctor. I was sure (still am) that I would've cracked under the strain of medical school, so didn't even give it a try.

[SunAngel]

Sophia and Shay. I am so happy BP didn't take away too may dreams.

You both should be thriving to reach your dreams.

I am so happy you are not, or have not, let BP determine if you reach you dreams or not.

[allme]

It killed my dream of being a therapist and also killed any idea of being self sufficient and independent. Argh!

[mgran]

I'm schizoaffective, bipolar 2 subtype, so I'll answer if you don't mind.

I managed to get a good degree, but have had to give up on any dreams of a professional life. I find living independantly so difficult, bills, housecleaning, socialising, budgeting etc. I suppose the dream that died was that I'd be a succesful professional with her own house and car... I'm on benefits, not allowed to drive, and practically unemployable.

On the other hand, I can't say I'm a failure, because I have a beautiful son, and he loves me.

[BlackPup]

Originally Posted by Shayatanica

BlackPup: What science do you have a PhD in? I'm going for neuroscience with a concentration in cognitive psychology. I used to want to be a theoretical physicist, but... While I love Richard Feynman & quantum mechanics, I couldn't pass up the chance to study both physical/biological science & my love of psychology! Hehe

microbiology

[Ryask]

I don't think your dreams have to die because of bi-polar, they may have to change a bit . Anything you want to do can be done, you maybe just need a bit more support to do it, i have always wanted to be a therapist, and I'm in school right now doing it, It's not easy, there are many things i have to deal with that my classmates dont like a paralyzing fear of doing a practicum where i will have to actually have to...converse with people i don't know...in a place i don't know, being in a classroom with several people, having to talk in front of the class. These are just some of the things that cause me some pretty intense anxiety, however, anxiety has never killed anyone and no matter how hard it is i am still doing it. I think sometimes people are afraid to try but don't kid yourself that's not bi-polar killing your dreams...that's you.

[Beezup2]

Originally Posted by SunAngel

What dreams did you have for your life that died because of having BP Disorder?

My dream has always been to be a performer, either musician or actress.

BP killed this dream of mine because when I got really, really sick, I couldn't even perform a single task.

I remember when I volunteered for a blood drive, all I had to do was write down peoples names as they came in to give blood. I totally freaked out, my stress level went to 100% and I just got up and walked out.

I knew then that I would never be able to realize my dream because I freak out at the most simpliest tasks.

What dream of yours died because of BP Disorder?

You've posed the toughest issue for me that I've struggled with for 20 years...I almost couldn't read your post. I've spent time on this w/3 therapists, gone inpatient b/c of it, had broken relationships and misunderstandings, self-doubt, cracked self-esteem, bitterness, anger, self-hatred...is that too to share? Sorry!

I lost a 20 year consulting business then things went down from there in every aspect of my life. There's much more, but I'll have to leave it there. Wish I could be uplifting to all the others who lost the dream but cannot tonight - it's just too hard. Thanks for letting me vent.

And thanks - because I AM taking comfort in your described problems In that I's not alone cause I've been there, done that too!

[Secretum]

So far, bipolar hasn't taken too much from me academic-wise, though it does make things a lot harder and more stressful. I want to be a medical doctor (a psychiatrist, actually; how's that for irony?!). There is a very real chance that I won't make it into med school if I don't get a better grip on my motivational problems, but right now that dream is still breathing. : )

Bipolar has, however, been very harsh on me socially. It is almost impossible for me to build strong, lasting friendships (or even just to have long-lasting social connections) because the first thing I do when I get low is isolate myself. Oftentimes, I do not even perceive the situation that way; I feel like others are rejecting me. This has lead to considerable social anxiety, which, of course, makes things even harder. I do have a few long-term friends, but I don't feel like they understand me. I cannot really talk to them about painful things like depression or sui thoughts. So, bp has taken my dream of having meaningful human contact and a real support network.

Bipolar has also taken my ability to see myself as a real human being with real needs and abilities. No matter how much I accomplish, my life usually feels dream-like and fake. I'm not dead...but I'm not fully alive either, and I hate that.

I'm hoping that with therapy, I'll be able to recapture some lost ground...

Ryask is right; bp doesn't have to hold us back. But we cannot deny that it makes things 1000x harder. I wish you all luck in achieving your endeavors, including those you thought you had to give up on. It's never too late to do something great; Julia Child didn't learn to cook until she was 50! All of you are inspirations, even if the only thing you accomplished today was getting out of bed for a few hours. : ) Most people have no idea what it is like to battle something like bipolar.

[Hydrophobic1212]

Mine is the same as you, SunAngel. I LOVE to act and to perform, but my anxiety gets the better of me. I also know that if I were to ever become famous, my mood swings and stress levels would get to me. I fear I'd be one of the people who'd do something stupid to themselves because of all the trauma caused.

But really, it hasn't taken too much from me yet. I'm still a teenager with much of my life left to be lived. I don't know what will happen in the future, I just hope I can keep battling it with the same strength and courage I do now.

[OneDown]

The biggest loss for me are the relationships lost or that never were because of some aspect of my illness; be it the anxiety, the paranoia, or the behavior from the mood swings. There are a number of instances that I wish had gone differently and I have stayed awake many nights just filled with regret over my actions or my inaction. Sometimes I really do wish I had another chance...

[IdoubtIT]

I used to be a top performer in my field. Then about 7 years ago all this business started and I'm just getting by. My reviews are crap, my coworkers don't trust me, it feels like 100 years since that top entrance score into professional school. Yeah, I still work, but I'm no where near where I was supposed to be at this point.

[dirt69juggalo]

I dropped out of school got my teen age girl friend pregnant maybe another girl too never did find out if I was daddy. I've quit jobs on a whim cause I thought I was that good I would find more work which I always have but still along with blowing my savings anytime they amount to anything I've ruined all my dreams

[GottaHaveHope]

I gave up meeting the man of my dreams (or any man for that matter). I have been a shut in for so long that I cannot be in the company of anyone except my family.

[GreenIvy]

I dreamed of becoming a successful, independent career woman. I have had 2 good jobs I have lost because of BP and did try to go back to school for accounting but BP got in the way again. I used to be confident in what I could do and was very good at what I did, but now my self-esteem has been crushed and other people make me very anxious.

On a positive note, I have a wonderful daughter that I am raising that will be able to accomplish what I couldn't.