[SunReach]

I came across this:

And...I got an answer to this gnawing feeling I've had that I shouldn't have been so traumatised by my childhood, that despite the bullying and family turmoils, my reaction was just too much and the darkness too deep...And then I remember or my mum tells me things I was saying, and I do remember thinking...And drawings, and stories I made up, and...I won't get into any of it. But I still can't of course diagnose myself retrospectively as a bipolar child and I don't know if it matters either...But I keep being drawn back to these years either through nightmares or flashbacks and it would explain why I find it so unbelievably hard to say what's 'my' normal...I feel myself when I'm mildly depressed..

But then maybe I underestimate the horrors of childhood everyone goes through..? Or I'm just looking for something to blame for how confused I am every time I look at myself...

Childhood is tough, but it's not supposed to be so troubling or haunting. I know what you mean, SadRobot. I'm pretty sure I was bipolar as a child as well. I'm listening to this & hopefully it won't trigger me... I'd like to feel informed, rather than traumatized!

[SunReach]

For me, it offered an outlet to this self-irritation that I can't get rid of lately..I did cry a little but with recognition, not despair. I think it is a tough issue and I'm not sure about the approach in some of the other things by BPChildren, but I'm glad I found something to give me some sort of relief about those years, even now...

Jesus, this brings me back. The depression didn't hit until my teens, but I was a MAAAANIIIIIC little kid.

[SunAngel]

I am so sorry your childhood was so tough. Must be really difficult to even think about it.'

If you are questioning if you were BP as a child, it is possible because I have been BP since then.

[SunReach]

What strikes me SunAngel is that the pieces came to me like thunderbolts, bang, bang, bang, with long spaces between them, but still...And I guess it makes sense, if 'this' is mostly all I've known as 'that's me' (if even putting mostly is necessary), how could I have questioned things to such a great extent...My sister had always been the one with the issues not me...And my mum's advice always being to ignore anything bad...I guess I might benefit from some long-term therapy once I can afford it..

Thank you for your replies

[Confusedinomicon]

I got bullied etc., when I was younger. Also believed in some wild things. (Abducted by aliens??) But I came to accept what happened and moved on. There isn't anything you can do to change the past, but come to terms with it, anyway. (If you can change the past tell me please, lol)

I am really tired and going to work now. Idk if I was coherent. x_x

[SunAngel]

Originally Posted by SadRobot

What strikes me SunAngel is that the pieces came to me like thunderbolts, bang, bang, bang, with long spaces between them, but still...And I guess it makes sense, if 'this' is mostly all I've known as 'that's me' (if even putting mostly is necessary), how could I have questioned things to such a great extent...My sister had always been the one with the issues not me...And my mum's advice always being to ignore anything bad...I guess I might benefit from some long-term therapy once I can afford it..

Thank you for your replies

I do think you need some therapy to help you with this. Your mom was wrong in telling you to to ignore the bad. My mom refused to take me to a pdoc when I was really suffering. She didn't want the stigma that went along with having a daughter with a MI.

Things from our childhood do creep back into our minds, like you said, "like thunderbolts". I think you tried to ignore what you were going through and everything is popping into your head now and it really, really sux.

I know that feeling well and am working on it with my therapist.

Good Luck!!!

[SunReach]

Thank you
I think you're right. And working through it must help with anxiety as well, everything is surely related to one another.

Good luck to you too!

[SunAngel]

Originally Posted by SadRobot

Thank you
I think you're right. And working through it must help with anxiety as well, everything is surely related to one another.

Good luck to you too!

I just sent you a pm.

[jk2833]

Originally Posted by Confusedinomicon

I got bullied etc., when I was younger. Also believed in some wild things. (Abducted by aliens??) But I came to accept what happened and moved on. There isn't anything you can do to change the past, but come to terms with it, anyway. (If you can change the past tell me please, lol)

I am really tired and going to work now. Idk if I was coherent. x_x

Me too I was bullied and I remember the school nurse coming in and noticing my slash marks on my wrists,I was 9.
Then I had a child pdoc through my teens until I was 15 until I stopped going because I thought I was ok but really it was the hypomania mixed with drugs,so I thought I was better until I had a tumour pregnancy then of course because Id stopped all drugs before I fell pregnant and this had happened it was now manic depression.
The pdoc asked me why I'd never told anyone about the episodes and I just replied well I'm not going to see a dr when I feel top of the world am I? Hence the late investigation into my BP diagnosis.
I had a good up bringing with everything I wanted but my dad worked away a lot and my mum worked full time and I had a child minder so I always had attachment issues but I do believe I've had bipolar since childhood,just the highs were never seen or put on my file.
I remember my husband telling me how I physically assaulted him on several occasions whilst we were dating I was 17 but yet I couldn't remember any of it,how embarrassing.
I dream about the house I lived in when I was 9 it re occurs a lot but I think its due to the bad memories.
Sorry to ramble on take care aLl
JK

[manicminer]

I was fat, glasses since the first grade and few friends. I had terrible suicidal and homicidal thoughts as a pre-teen. I kept it all to myself. I tried to pierce my own tounge witha sewing needle with a lead fishing weight crimped to the end and succeeded. All I used for numbing was some ora-gel.
My parents never let us do sports for fear we'd get hurt and they couldn't pay the bills. So I took up high risk behavior during my 11 years in the Boy Scouts. We'd drink, chew tobacco, and even smoked some white powder. This was @ age 13. Started stealing booze sometime before that.
When they let us do track in highschool, I took up the javelin and pole vaulting because they were the most high risk events.
@ the end of my junior year I got contacts and decided to make a change. I was in the gym everyday and spending at least $100 a month on suppliments. I transformed my body that summer into a jacked, tan, muscle man. I got very angry when people accused me of using steriods. But the thoughts of self-worthlessness ensued.
I had detailed plans of how to get away with killing almost everyone I knew and how the final showdown would go with police.
This kept up til I lost it junior year of college and was finally hospitalzed. I got myself admitted and didn't tell my parents til a few days later.

[CjnGyrl74]

I remember as a child having anxiety attacks. It used to scare my mother to death, I'd scream and cry and couldn't stop. I remember the sleepless nights with my "dreams" racing in my mind. This before the age of 8. By 14 I was a promiscuous alcoholic. Diagnosing a child with Bi Polar was unheard of until recently. And

[Sophia57]

I'm also convinced I was bipolar as a child. Every report card came back with straight A's and a comment "lacks emotional control". Brilliant but erratic. I never got depressed till I hit puberty and then life was a roller coaster till I hit 21 when I was finally committed with post partum mania. But getting through menopause has really helped. I'm still bipolar, but I can keep it under control, unless people know better. The long life of a bipolar woman. LOL

And Original Poster, I have left the blame game behind. But you may need to do some therapy to come to grips with what you went through. My parents were always in denial that something was wrong with me. Until I completely flipped out, that is.