[widgets]

Its been coming on gradually for a while but its full on now.
I didnt go to sleep last night, but did a 9 hour shift fine, i was productive at work, although didnt really feel like i was there.
Spent the whole night in a weird state, felt like there was a carnival going on in my head. I tried counting but couldnt get past ten for a while, my mind just couldnt stay put at all.
I dont want to see anyone, i just feel hard an numb, but wired at the same time.
I dont want to kill myself, i wish i could murder myself, killing yourself sounds like you feel sorry for yourself, but i hate myself so much if i could step out of my body i think i would shoot me or stab me.
Having said i had a good day at work, when i went on my break i wanted to smash windows and mirrors.
I cant feel like i actually care about anything or anyone, and everyone is getting on my nerves.
I finished work at 5.30 and i've only just got home, i spent three hours walking about in the rain to try and get my head straight but i couldnt.
I'm taking my meds every day, dont see why i have to feel like this.
I wonder if i will sleep tonight.
I have EMDR tomorrow, but i dont know whether i should actually do it, because you're not meant to do it, if you're not feeling good.
rant over

[popeye]

Can you call your Pdoc?

[cin1]

Originally Posted by widgets

Its been coming on gradually for a while but its full on now.
I didnt go to sleep last night, but did a 9 hour shift fine, i was productive at work, although didnt really feel like i was there.
Spent the whole night in a weird state, felt like there was a carnival going on in my head. I tried counting but couldnt get past ten for a while, my mind just couldnt stay put at all.
I dont want to see anyone, i just feel hard an numb, but wired at the same time.
I dont want to kill myself, i wish i could murder myself, killing yourself sounds like you feel sorry for yourself, but i hate myself so much if i could step out of my body i think i would shoot me or stab me.
Having said i had a good day at work, when i went on my break i wanted to smash windows and mirrors.
I cant feel like i actually care about anything or anyone, and everyone is getting on my nerves.
I finished work at 5.30 and i've only just got home, i spent three hours walking about in the rain to try and get my head straight but i couldnt.
I'm taking my meds every day, dont see why i have to feel like this.
I wonder if i will sleep tonight.
I have EMDR tomorrow, but i dont know whether i should actually do it, because you're not meant to do it, if you're not feeling good.
rant over

what is EMDR? my sister committed suicide and i have to tell you, she was a murderer and a victim , herself in both cases. i don't know what state she was in when she did it, but for those left like me, it will always hurt. if for no other reason to stick around , be there for someone who loves you and cares.. when i quit sleeping , i got really ill and ended up in the hospital. things looked up really quick once i got back to sleeping. i don't know how you can go to work without some sleep. meds dont' solve my feelings. they help me deal with day to day issues, or whatever. hope to hear things are improving.

[cin1]

Originally Posted by popeye

Can you call your Pdoc?

that is drunk, real drunk.

[widgets]

I'll speak to my T tomorrow but i dont see there's much that can be done.
I've got an appointment with my CW on Thursday.
I cant really see the point in calling her, i'm not going to be hospitalised, because i wont let that happen, so i cant tell them the truth about exactly how i'm feeling else that is what will happen and thats not going to help anything.

[widgets]

i couldnt sleep, i had nothing else to do so i just stayed in bed trying to sleep because i knew i had work but i literally couldnt sleep, it was so stressful and i was so scared.

[wing]

(((((widgets))))) I hope this passes soon for you. Please take care of yourself!

[popeye]

Originally Posted by widgets

I'll speak to my T tomorrow but i dont see there's much that can be done.
I've got an appointment with my CW on Thursday.
I cant really see the point in calling her, i'm not going to be hospitalised, because i wont let that happen, so i cant tell them the truth about exactly how i'm feeling else that is what will happen and thats not going to help anything.

My doc said she would not put me in the hospital unless I said I was going to hurt myself.

[widgets]

I'm not sure i'd be able to tell her in words anyway.

[BNLsMOM]

(((hugs)))

I hope this episode passes quickly for you and that stability and good times come behind it.

[CjnGyrl74]

(((((((widgets)))))))

Wishing you happiness and peace.

[~Christina]

Sorry you are feeling so bad right now ,, PLEASE take care of yourself and reach out for help ..
((((HUGS)))))

Wishing you some Peace and Love in this hard time!!!!

Feel better.

[widgets]

I've woken up and have the massive urge to go and buy storage :-/
But feel so anti-social and irritated i dont want to go into a shop.
I got 6 hours of sleep last night, but i had been up for 45 hours straight, people think, 'oh well six hours sleep is normal.'
But for me it really isnt.
When i'm feeling normal and happy, and i'm not in an episode, i would have had about 14 hours sleep, and that would be totally normal for me, when i'm so down, i have about 18, i'll get home from work and sleep until i next have work again. When i'm hypomanic i average at about 8-10, i'm just one of those people who naturally needs a lot of sleep.
When i'm feeling like this though i have a fear of going to sleep and for some reason enjoy making myself feel really ill, so i wont sleep or eat for ages and see how long i can go.
I wrote like 13 pages in my diary last night. Oh and i didnt go to EMDR today, (which if you dont know what it is, go to the other treatments bit, there's a post which explains it)

I really hope this goes away for you & you get more sleep. I know the urge to make yourself ill is overbearing, but you really need to resist that urge because ULTIMATELY you are going to feel a lot worse giving in vs. doing something to make yourself do better. I wish you had gone to EMDR, but... Ultimately, it is always your decision on what to do. I hope writing made you feel at least a little bit better by sorting out your thoughts. I used to write pages upon pages, but I haven't been able to get more than a page's worth of thoughts together.

[widgets]

My pdoc, (who isnt the one who sorted the EMDR) said not to go and do it if you're feeling down.
But then i was texting my EMDR therapist and telling her how i feel and the things that were going on, she said they could be as a result of my brain processing the difficult stuff that i never dealt with at the time, and that i should have come and we wouldnt do any processing just talk about things and try and work through them.
So now i regret not going.
I'm meeting with both my care workers tomorrow and i'm really nervous about it, its quite daunting going to see 2 people. One of them i feel really knows me cause she has been with me for over a year, but i think she is moving to a higher job now so i have a new one, and i know they've been doing it gradually, but i feel like i always have to explain things from the beginning to the new one.

Try to look at it positively: Even if you have to keep repeating yourself, perhaps you can use that process to make more sense to yourself. Maybe you could be your own best care worker in this situation! You just need a professional for when the figurative **** hits the fan. *hugs*