this may sound strange...

I will try to explain myself clearly... though, not sure how, as these thoughts are too strange to be put in words.

So this goes back to a thread I started some time ago http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=188515 Sad eyes, feelings from past existences. I always felt my previous existence was not a happy one. I probably met some tragic end even. I don't know, as I did not dare to explore that yet too deeply. I done some astral projection where I projected myself all the way to birth of life on Earth, though.

So not so long ago it occured to me... what if my manias are some attempt to balance the darkness I carry? (I was superserious as a child... it took me years and years to learn to be spontageous. I still cannot let go fully and try to be in control all the time... so maybe it has to come out somehow...).

I am trying to find balance, trying to figure out myself, but there are times I swing too much either side. In meantimes I feel like I am walking on a tightrope.

(yeah, I know this may sound bit... crazy... but i needed to get it out and put in words).

I don't have any advice to offer, I am just wishing for you that you find this balance, and find the answers you seek. Doesn't sound crazy to me, I have often wondered the same thing. I once was told I was a horrible person in a previous life, and that is why my current life is so painful. I struggled with that idea for a long time, I finally disregarded it all together. I don't know what I believe in anymore.

oh, I am dabbling with various beliefs too. I don't know why I am so unsettled. I don't know why I am getting the experiences I am getting. I don't know... and it is hard to admit.

I believe I may have some purpose in this existence... but I am not sure how do go after it.

If you knew your purpose, the journey of life would be much less of an experience, doncha think? Part of living is learning our purpose over time, I think.
Also, you, my dear friend, think too much. Just like me and just like Dragon. We need to turn our brains off for a weekend.

sadly, I cannot do that.

I will at least distract myself with war in Libya, geopolitics and transnationalism. It worked before. Rebels and heartland (and status of McDonalds in different countries) might help me to take my mind of the kafka-esque thoughts in my head.

If you read Eckart Tolle he talks about "the pain body". Something that becomes a part of a person due to past negative experiences and events. He even expands that idea to include entire groups of people who may be descended from others who suffered greatly (for example Jews and The Holocaust). He proposes some ideas to be rid of "the pain body". An interesting read at any rate...

that is interesting. I am not Jewish, but as a Czech... we did not experience much of freedom in last few centuries... and without being flag-wavin' nationalist, I always felt that I carry some of the national traumas with me (just as we on national level have problem to trust others and often tend to give up and have problems standing up for ourselves... take it down to interpesonal level and you have *Venus*).

will check out the book for sure.

i was told not to think so deep (how deep may i go??) so with me it isn't so much turning off my brain but listening more, accepting what is as it is.

i was really religious and thought all types of things. others would judge me, try to help some times, others were , i don't know. but now, when things are going well, and i am wondering about how all is fitting into place, (this is frightening), when something hits to mess every thing up for me, i wonder seriously that whatever or whomever is trying to destroy me.

I just take it a day at a time and live for the moment...I do not dwell on the past but I don't shut the door on it either.

His book that I read where he writes about the "pain body" is "A New Earth : Awakening to Your Life's Purpose". Based on what you've written (and I won't pretend to know much of Czech history, but I did have a high school friend who escaped in the trunk of a car... and I am of Lithuanian descent myself...), I definitely think his theory may apply to what you experience. Check it out. You can get his book (used) on Amazon very cheap...

Don't know if you are familiar with the Bio-Social Theory....it's been applied to BPD, but it applies everyone's personalities (that which we carry with us making up how we relate to the world around us).

We are made up from our genes which are passed down through the generations & our social environment, the people/family we were around from the time of birth. I know that my lack of being spontaneous came from the fact that my father was serious....never remember him having a sense of humor....lost his mother to cancer when he was in high school & he was the one caring for her the complete time & then, off to WWII in Austria & Germany. My Mother wasn't much different than he was....grew up not being able to see well needing glasses because of undeveloped eyes at birth & once they finally realized that she wasn't just stupid & lazy & realized she could't see & needed glasses......came all the comments that were normal in those days, but not much better even now.

Yes, it's the genes from way back in our families that are passed on along with each generation is effected socially & passes that down the line also.

Not sure there is really much point to thinking back farther than that because heaven knows, just the last few generations are enough to really screw things up in us. It's well studied that BP is a genetic MI that is passed down from generation to generation....it's just that some of the past generations they didn't have the knowledge to Dx it....but that didn't mean it wasn't there.

My logical mind realizes that it doesn't matter much what happened before the last handfull of generations because that thinking takes to to many unproved things effecting us mentally.

The desire to find our purpose in this life is what we were created with, so it's going to be hard to avoid those thoughts. I feel blessed.....because I know the path I am walking along is the path of my purpose.....but I understand how if felt to be searching. At first I thought that purpose was the career I got my degree for & aimed my whole life after, but found that wasn't the case. I am just thankful that I have finally found my happiness.....but even with my happiness, it's on a more serious note....not all laughter & fun, but it is enjoyable & peaceful most of the time even when struggling with the irritations around me.

My environment has a lot to do with how I am finally feeling....I am thankful that my depression was situational & not genetic/chemical. I was able to get away from what was causing me the most trouble in my life & that opened so many doors & windows to see so much more of life that I was really surrounded by.

Think many times we can think way too deep.....sort of like being deep in the forest & can't see the forest for the trees.

Mine are def. to find balance. I've found I often become the most manic when I know that there are very hard times up ahead that could lead me into depression. I even attempt to keep myself manic so I dont have to come back down to earth and face reality. Reality often scares me, so I let myself fall into mania so I can become bigger than reality and own in. The world becomes mine and I run the show. No one can touch me. Then the crash comes and I'm worse off than I was before

I am not sure if I believe it was "proven" because lately the diagnoses of BP skyrocketed and I am thinking it has to do more with environment in which we live and to which we are to equiped than actually genetics/chemistry.

And looking at my very case... with my whole emotional struggle being accompanied with spiritual experiences (which are not mere delusions. I have been told by many people I have effect on them - mostly calming. Even by people who don't really believe in this kind of stuff)... I am sure there is more to that.