My temper!

Isn't there some sort of repercussions for her actions? Sounds like she will keep doing it until she gets fired. The same thing happens in our office. It's a small company, we all work for a cardiologist. There's no system of written warnings, etc. People just complain and nothing ever changes. It's very frustrating. Your GM needs to do something or she will never stop. Does your company have a seperate HR department?

We do have a system in place. My GM really does take it as a personal failure if she cannot make employees work out. She truly believes that there is a niche for anyone she hires, it’s just her job to find the right one. She did say all the right things to me yesterday. That this was her issue, and that although she thought she’d gotten through to this employee she did not and it was her job to make sure that none of us got to our breaking point again. She realized that this would continue to be an ongoing issue but she was very angry that it happened so quickly after that last major event. To her credit she did not cite the co-worker’s personal problems. She thinks she just needs to find a way to reach her. She is most probably doing that as we speak. I do not have to see this employee until Thursday. I am concerned. I have let her know that she does get to me. You cannot unring that bell.

She discussed what she went through the last time (which I know she did it to make me feel better, but it made me extremely uncomfortable because if I am in trouble I do not want anyone else to know my personal business). The co-worker could not understand that while she had a right to her feelings and perspectives, that there is a right time, place and procedure. If the co-worker felt that another employee was not performing the way the co-worker thought she should, you take it up with the GM in the privacy of her office. The issues the co-worker brought up had taken place two years ago and the GM had dealt with the situation at that time. The problem was solved and to bring it up and exaggerate was wrong. To do so in front of the auditor was asinine. To be frank, I think THAT is what made my GM understand the magnitude of the situation. This co-worker has gotten away with this for 10 years.

Your GM in my opinion should write her up for every infarction of this magnitude, until the employee either "gets it" and behaves or is fired. Sometimes employers have to "reach" someone with the unpleasantness of consequences. A series of write ups with unpaid days off just might do the trick, however that is up to the GM to do, but you could always suggest it also. I hate when there is friction at work, sorry you're going through this.

So the GM would be admitting she made a mistake in hiring if she ever had to let this employee go? And she doesn't perceive herself as ever being wrong? So that leaves you without a GM capable of making mistakes--so things are always either someone else's fault or just not worked out yet.

Someone asked earlier about an HR department. Is there one? Is that what you mean by "a system in place"?

Otherwise, as individuals it all seems to be a matter of luck. I guess maybe, lacking a miracle, you're sunk. It's so unfair, & I'm truly sorry.

No we do not have an HR department. And the attitude that things have not been worked out yet seems to be my GM’s position. We have an employee handbook and a schedule of disciplinary actions. When she called me initially she started by defending the write up I received for my inappropriate behavior. Actually she apologized for the manager that wrote me up. I immediately stated that the write up was the correct thing to do. I was 100% wrong dealing with my problem in this manner. I knew full well that I should have waited for her to come in and give her the problem to deal with.

I know that my anger was justified. My issue is how I reacted. I take a great deal of pride (and we all know it comeith before a fall) in how I act in the work place. No matter what is going on in my personal life I try to be professional and dependable in the workplace. I have no delusions that this woman will change her behavior. I really need to develop a thicker skin so that she does not get to me.

My GM was irritated with the manager that let me go home. She wanted me to stay and work it out. Frankly I am sure she thought I was going to quit. Heck I thought I was going to quit. She must be pretty intuitive or at least know me pretty well because she gave me a long time to calm down before she called. After I got my emotions somewhat under control I started a job search. I was going to have a plan in place before I saw her on Tuesday. By the time she called me I was pretty reasonable. If I would have stayed, I would have probably blew up again and quit on the spot. Which is one of the things this co-worker of mine wants. She’s flat out told me that she’s afraid I’m going to steal her job (which makes no sense, we do the SAME job. They have 4 of these positions). She does not believe I should be working there because “I don’t need the money.” I have told her many times I would trade her bills for mine any day of the week, but because I don’t go into details sharing my personal finances I don’t need the job.

Normally when I get angry, normal angry, I am amazing at work. I focus only on my job. I could not focus on even the most menial tasks yesterday. My job usually requires me to be thinking three steps ahead. I enjoy that part of the job, it is like a time management game. Sunday I was in a fog. I’m angry with myself that 1) I let myself get that angry. 2) when I realized that I was that angry I did not leave before I acted on my feelings. 3) that I made an absolute fool of myself. And 4) that I revealed so much of myself to someone I do not like.

It is all very frustrating. Either she is going to be openly hostile towards me when I work with her next or worse she has this passive aggressive thing she does. AAAAA is my friend now. We're friends! It is so strange.

I think the question is, what will be best for you in choosing your approach to this woman when next you encounter her?

How she acts really isn't an issue, except as it triggers you. You need some defense against her triggers.

Imagine that she will be coming at you, at your next meeting, with bow & arrow at hand, behind her back, ready to zing/trigger you the first time she figures she has a clear shot.

What's your defense?

Is there any way to approach this woman that would disarm her? Remember, what you do has to cost you nothing. What comes naturally to you that might catch her unawares just long enough to throw her off her stride?

I think this initial encounter is going to be pivotal. If you can get the upper hand (again, without costing you), I think you have a small chance of turning this around. At least for the time being.

You sound like you've calmed way down & certainly seem to have more of a long view on the situation. All good.

Well we had the meeting and she just doesn't get it. First she said (with a straight face) I wasn't running around telling everyone, I only told A, B, and C. I may have mentioned it to D also. Um, What would this be called then. Also, she just kept saying "well this is what I was told" I tried to explain that either she could confront me directly or if that made her feel uncomfortable then take it right to the General Manager and let her investigate.

She just doesn't understand the problem. The GM was not there, I KNOW she's going to ask me how it went, but what do I say? Would get more progress with the wall?

Don't give this moron another thought. You would have better luck reasoning with a two-year-old. I'm sure she will be moving on the harrass someone else soon. It sounds like your GM will just let her get away with it. So, let whatever she says, roll off your back. Just smile at her and be extra "super-nice" to her! This is how I usually get back at my annoying coworker. She enjoys making others miserable so just show her that you are not.

AAAAA,

I would not necessarily look at this experience as simply a break in your 20 year streak w/out having lost your cool. I know it sounds cliche, but look at it as a learning experience and a chance to strengthen your ability to prevent future meltdowns.

Who knows, if it hadn't been this co-worker, it might have been something else. You sound tuned in and intelligent, so I know you know this, but you cannot control this person at work or many of the external stimuli and stressors that come your way. You can only control your reaction to them and/ or be proactive in preventing these stressors from getting the best of you.

Perhaps it won't be effective in your particular case, but you might want to consider writing a letter to anyone involved that you deem appropriate, keeping the focus on your behavior w/out even mentioning the co-worker. I lost my cool once, and a heartfelt apology for my behavior went a really long way towards repairing the damage. In fact, I developed a closer bond to my supervisor (sadly, she's gone now...the new one is not so great) than ever before. She made a point to thank me for the letter and said it meant a lot, and we still keep in touch in fact. I really felt like it cleared the air, so to speak, and I was able to express myself so much better in a letter than I ever could have face-to-face.

Those HR meetings sound so horrendous. Definitely not conducive (unfortunately) to open and honest communication. They sound about as effective as performance evaluations.

Anyway, if you went 20 years w/out any temper flare ups, you have CLEARLY demonstrated that you are in control of your emotions, so again, this can be viewed as an anomaly to otherwise consistently appropriate behavior and demeanor. There's no reason why you can't get right back on track while taking some lessons away from this experience on how to avoid a similar situation in the future.

Anyway, best of luck to you, and don't be too hard on yourself.

Thank you Heyitsryan. Yes, I know I cannot control anything she does. My problem remains that I allowed her behavior to influence mine. I know the tools to use to avoid this type of confrontation. It bothers me that I did not use those tools. Her behavior will undoubtedly remain the same. I have to come up with a plan of attack to center myself so that I never respond like that again.

"Well," I'd say, "she surprised me. She admitted she's been gossiping about me to A, B, C, & maybe D--& based on nothing more than gossip she's picked up from other people."

That's what I'd say, & if possible that's all I'd say.

Isn't that what she told you?

Yep, that is basically what she told me. Well, actually she said she didn't tell anyone but.... but you get the picuture.