I was manic from May to Sept. During this time I craved nothing except stability. All through Sept to about two weeks I ago, I spent my time shifting between depressed, flat and hypo. The last two weeks I have felt fairly, not completely stable, but in the best place I have been since May.

However now I am completely craving hypo or just plain mania. Like really really bad, desperately bad. Like go off all my meds bad. Or not sleep bad, which for me is always a sure fire trigger. Mania is never fun for me, I end up very psychotic every time. It used to be fun, very fun.

I am just wondering what the heck is wrong with me. Why am I so self destructful. I am never stable for very long, why can't I just enjoy it. It feels so flat, so boring, so mundane, and basically it just feels wrong, not right. It doesn't feel like me. And I just want to feel alive. Is stable not feeling alive? It's just such a strong pull inside myself, I don't know what to do about it, It's really uncomfortable and I just want to feel good, I am know I am in trouble with this thinking. But ultimately I don't feel good like this, and I want to feel good, or great, and alive, and would pretty much give anything to get it.

[hamster-bamster]

Anika,

On another thread you said that you are a single mother of a 10,11,12 year olds. I just cannot imagine how you do it. Kudos to you!

I can tell you as a child of a strongly Bipolar I mother that both high and lows are not good. Highs, for a period of time, can be fun, but it wears off. Depression basically equals not being emotionally present in my life as your child. Stability, over the long haul, from the standpoint of the child, really pays off.

I know what I said does nothing to the cravings for the high, but it is just one perspective worth considering.

Take good care of yourself.

Natayla, Thanks, It is true. And I like to think I always have my kids best interest in mind, I too had a severely Bipolar 1 father, and I like to think that I am not so much like him. Sometimes you need it spelled out haha

Although I will try to do the right thing, I just cannot understand why being semi stable does not feel good or right.. I have been stable before, so what's the problem, should be a breeze. I feel like I am lost in here or I am not me in my own skin, I am not real good at describing things, but it feels really uncomfortable, I am not sure what is missing.

I was just outside watching a bird in my pond, and thinking "I wonder if animals ever have these problems, they seem to be so naturally gifted at life"

[dragonfly2]

I know how you feel sometimes. Especially craving the mania. But even beyond that, this unsettled feeling during the more stable times - almost as if I thrive on some sort of sense of chaos. Or sometimes it's the dreaded "waiting for the next shoe to drop" feeling that being well can bring on. It's almost like, I know it's going to come eventually, let's just get it over with.

But craving the mania is a big one with me. It's almost like a drug, it's addictive at times.

It's been a long time since you last felt stable. Allow yourself to just sit with that feeling for a while, as boring as it may seem at times. Try to find safe, "stable" ways to bring more joy and excitement into your life. The rush of the Bikram-style yoga you're doing, maybe riding a bike, playing with your kids, playing in the rain....I think you get the idea.

I've given it a lot of thought and the last few days have really tried to just be in the present moment. I'm feeling a bit better about it. I agree after being manic for so long I guess the stable part just feels a liitle foreign.

I went to bikram yoga last night and I felt great after, I'm just trying to hold onto that feeling. I'm trying to take breaks through out my day and just meditate for a few moments and reign myself back in. My mind has been very busy but I think this is helping.