This next week is going to be hard. I am already a nervous wreck thinking about it. I have an app to go to the volunteer board with my community support worker on Monday. That should be ok because I have her with me for support. The volunteer part tho freaks me out. A schedule, having to be somewhere at a certain time and around people. I know it will be good for me in the long run I'm just scared.

The scarier part is that I have been on a wait list for anorexia treatment for a long time. They called today and I an to come into the eating disorder clinic on Wednesday. I am soooo terrified of going. I gained 5 lbs putting me just at a three digit number which I am extremely uncomfortable with. I am terrified of getting weighed. I feel fat and short and just plain feel like I have to go to an Ed clinic as a fat anorexic ughh it's weird. I have this fur all over my body and face that I would live to be gone. But even that is not enough. I should mention that I was dx with anorexia at age 5 surprisingly and I am now 32. So its been a long long time just getting to this point. I'm scared I'll back out, and I'm scared I'll get better.

I didn't want to post this in the Ed forum because is amazingly dead in there and I know I'm going to need support with this. My moods set off my starvation modes very much so. When I loose control of my moods I can control my food.

Thanks for listening ,
Anika

[BNLsMOM]

Post about it as much as you want. We are here to support you. It is hard but you will get through it. I don't have any experience with ED but I am about to start volunteering at a cat shelter/adoption center. I go in Monday for training. I know how you feel about being scared to go to work, I feel the same way and I only will be working for two hours on Mondays.

[onlymedid]

I hope things go well for you.

[Trippin2.0]

Thinking about you! Please be kind to yourself. You're WORTH IT, I pr0mise! XOXO

I should say not fat. I am only using that term towards myself and never towards another person. I feel really bad that used I That word now. I am just feeling really not good towards meyself. I am sorry and would never mean to upset anyone here.

It's like an addiction I think. You want to stop doing it and get better. But your scared to stop or get better.

[Trippin2.0]

Talk to us, we're here to listen and support you hun...

Lots of ssssssssss and strengthening thoughts to you, Anika!
Try not to think on it all at once, or better yet, try to immerse yourself in something completely unrelated. Fun, even better. My head whirls too (I call it "dominoes in a blender"), so I know it can be hard, but it really does help if you can manage to do it. Even in short bits.

[Detach]

Yeah, I'm right with ya about the nervous stuff, I go back to work Monday after not being there for 2 months. I'm afraid I'm going to forget more about my job then I realize (I'm a nurse). I had horrible memory loss with this past episode. Also, A co-worker of mine died the other day and her funeral is Mon., so that's going to be weird....

Also, I was bulimic for 5 yrs. in my late 20's, but overcame it and I'm now 41. I finally went to over-eater anonymous (It's for binge eaters, bulimics and anorexics) per my Pdocs request and after 9 months....I've never done it again. Apparently I'm cured and it's been...hhmmm...over a decade let's say.

Good luck on Mon. AND Wed.
Try not to worry too much it won't do you any good. Try to stay in the "present" moment.... I know it's harder said then done, I'm trying to remind myself also.

[Phoenix_1]

Lots of good thoughts are going your way Anika. Hoping the best for you.
((((((Anika))))))

Thank you for the words of support, and encouragement , and boy do I need them, I worked myself into a frenzy.
I am really scared to give up my ed and be left with a huge gaping hole. Its become such a part of me over the years, kind of like my left arm. It just feels really scary. I am scared to go into therapy and pull off the blankets and see what's hiding under there, this is going to be really hard and I know it.

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

I am about to start volunteering at a cat shelter/adoption center. I go in Monday for training. I know how you feel about being scared to go to work, I feel the same way and I only will be working for two hours on Mondays.

I remembered that BNLsMOM. I hope that works out for you *crossed fingers* for a great second trip. It is scary isn't it, I've been on disability for 5 years and out of work for 8, feeling very rusty, and unsure.

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Lots of ssssssssss and strengthening thoughts to you, Anika!
Try not to think on it all at once, or better yet, try to immerse yourself in something completely unrelated. Fun, even better. My head whirls too (I call it "dominoes in a blender"), so I know it can be hard, but it really does help if you can manage to do it. Even in short bits.

Innersone, I like that, perfect analogy, I will really try to put it away untill Wednesday, or at least keep it folded.

Originally Posted by dijmart

Good luck on Mon. AND Wed.
Try not to worry too much it won't do you any good. Try to stay in the "present" moment.... I know it's harder said then done, I'm trying to remind myself also.

Dij, I am really sorry for your loss, and I know you are headed back to work, that's going to be hard Thanks for sharing about your struggle with an ed and overcoming it, that gives hope.
Also thanks for reminding to me to be present, perfect time to put it into practice, I have been trying harder.

ugggh, it's 4 30 am and I cannot sleep, I told myself to put it away, but my mind won't stop, I tried some relaxation, and meditation, but my head is still buzzing in circles, my thinking is getting more ridiculous as the night goes on. Trying to figure out how to loose x lbs by x day, thinking this might be my last shot. Ok I know that is not right. Also thinking about how I would feel if I recovered, would I have to make this child inside me grow up and be a woman. I do feel like someone is trying to steal my teddy bear away, my security.

Wishing you well, Anika. Dress warmly.

[kindachaotic]

(((((Anika))))) Giving up something that makes you feel secure is tough.
Giving up something that might be one of the few things you have control over is tough.

From reading your post & all you've been thru, if anyone can do this it's you!

Won't be easy, probably won't be quick. My prayer is that you get someone & a group you can trust to unveil the things you need to deal with.
Give this a chance, down the road you will really be glad you did.

Years ago... I got down to 92 lbs once & 94 lbs another time, I am 5 foot 4in
This can be conquered, don't be too hard on yourself.
You know we are all here for you?
Post about this as you feel comfortable.

Thanks Chaotic, thanks for believing in me! I'm not sure I believe in myself right now. My lowest in the last few years was 84 and looking back at pictures I can see that I looked ill and I couldn't see that at the time. I guess at least I can see it now. But my mind still says to get back to the 80's. It's such a number game in the head. I have a daughter who is 11 and I'm trying to keep in mind what message I am sending her.

At bikram yoga you kinda have to wear the least amount of clothing as possible. I am standing there trying to decide to take more clothing off. It's soooo hot in that hot room. And I just couldn't do it. It sucked. There was people there of all shapes and sizes that seemed perfectly comfortable in less clothing in public. But not me. This made me feel really upset at my lack of self confidence or esteem body wise. Like when will I ever be good enough for me. If not, when, when I am 40, 60, 80. I feel like I'm loosing out big time.

[dragonfly2]

(((Anika)))

I know you're scared right now. That's okay. Just know that you are not alone. You have your boyfriend, your kids, your treatment team, and of course you always have us.

Try to step out of yourself for just a moment. Imagine that one of your children needed to give up a security item. How would you help them? What would you say? Treat your inner child the way you would treat your physical children. Be gentle with yourself.

[Detach]

Originally Posted by Anika

thinking about how I would feel if I recovered, would I have to make this child inside me grow up and be a woman. I do feel like someone is trying to steal my teddy bear away, my security.

Try to take one day (or hour) at a time.

I put it away, yay that's a task and a half for me. And I'll try to leave it in the box until Wednesday. I'm feeling ok today. Thanks guys for all the support. I am really busy this week with costume making and I have a trip at the end of the week so I'm really trying to take it in small bites so I don't completely come undone. A bunch of little tasks for me equals huge stress.