I can't even ask for help

Outside of myself, mypdoc and my T, I am so alone in this bipolar thing. I am currently in the middle of a "secret" depression because everyone else in my life don't want to hear about it. This week I have spent entire days in bed with the exception of going to pick up my kids and making them lunch. I had to cancel my T appointment this week because my son was sick. He isn't old enough to be home alone for an hour+, and I didn't want to drag him out and make him wait in a waiting room with the way he was feeling. I spent that morning in bed, and then I went to pick up my youngest, dragging my sick guy in the car with me, we headed home, I made lunch, and went back to bed. Did it today too. I am beating myself up for it because I know I am not supposed to do that. I am supposed to use my coping skills that a bunch of people have been spending their time teaching me.

My mother asks if I am OK and I say yes. She likes to get into long detailed discussions when I feel bad and I just want to avoid that.

I tried to share with my husband how my week has been going. I said, "I am really sucking wind this week." Before I could elaborate, he was right on my answer telling me that I am fine. I shut right up because I get really angry when someone tells me how I am feeling unless I ask for that kind of help.

(((BNLsMOM))) You are so strong for taking care of your kids (sometimes at the expense of getting yourself desperately needed help) when you are so ill. What you've proven this week is that there is something stronger than depression driving your life (your love for your kids). Hold on to it, and remember that the darkness will pass, but that lamp will burn forever.

As for hiding how you truly are feeling from loved ones, I do that all the time. I don't want to worry them. I don't want them obsessing over me, I don't want them to force me to talk about it when I don't feel comfortable having those conversations with them...

Your husband trying to tell you that "you are fine" really annoys me. I hate having my feelings invalidated. Really, who could possibly know more about how you are feeling than you?! If you have the energy, I'd take him aside and discuss this. It really is a major issue; if someone chronically invalidates another persons feelings, it actually is considered emotional abuse. So, you want to gain control over this before it comes to that.

I hope you feel better soon.

It annoys me too. I can't remember if he does things like that consistently, but he grew up with a father who did that to his mother. He had a terrible example of what "love" means and how to express it.

I did actually a few minutes ago tell him that I thought he blew me off when i wanted to talk. So we did talk a little bit. I don't feel satisfied. Maybe I ask too much. I need someone who can step in and be strong when I am not, someone who doesn't blow me off and then expect me to feel bad for him because he is tired. When I want to go out and do something or learn something (which doesn't happen much anymore) I feel like I am somewhat under his thumb. More than in a "Gee, I should consider the family before I do this" way, I feel like I can't because he will not approve, like it, support it etc... So I just don't bother.
Another thing that really gets me is that instead of having conversations with me, he has all of his Facebook people to tallk to every night online and I don't know much about what is going on in his life. It's a big deal to get him to talk to me. I guess the bright side is that I get to spend more time on PC.

I know how you feel when you have people trying to tell you how you feel. I too are dealing with "secret depression." I always get I just want attention or that nothing is wrong with me. My friend at school always telling me that I have nothing to be stressed about, but she knows nothing about my personal life. People who do know always trying to tell me to just let it go or I should be over the things I've never really dealt with. I even had someone imply that I didn't have "real" problems.

I just wanted to let you know that I understand how you feel...you're not alone. Hang in there, hopefully you find someone who wants to genuinely help you dig deep instead of scratching the surface of your issues or assuming that you are ok.

Hope your son gets better & that you try your best to push pass the Depression. It's hard but you deserve genuine happiness & most of all peace. Take Care

I think people that have never been seriously depressed really know how awful it is. It sounds like your relationship with your husband is not helping you. Has he ever gone to a counseling session with you? Has he seen you really depressed and upset? You need to tell him how much you are suffering, maybe he does not realize. It sounds like your mom is trying to be supportive by talking. I'm sure she hates seeing you so down.

I hate it when someone tells me there's nothing wrong with me - invalidate really is the word for it. It can make me feel like I'm being melodramatic or attention-seeking. A few months ago (after several cocktails) I admitted to a friend that I was going to see a doctor. She was like why, you don't need to. That's her way of being supportive, to automatically deny anything negative, but it just really annoyed me. I even went into some detail about the particular event which had led to me accepting help, and she implied it was no big deal. She genuinely was trying to be supportive by making out there was nothing wrong with me (eg nothing to worry about) but it's the last thing you need when you know there IS something wrong. Anyway, enough about me.

I understand why it's difficult to share how you're feeling with loved-ones. Aside from people not understanding, I think there's also guilt at letting them see you're in pain, because it then causes them pain too, which in turn makes you feel worse, and it's a bit of a vicious circle, if that makes sense? But with your husband it sounds like you are both drifting apart by not sharing with one another, and finding comfort in others instead (him through Facebook, you through here). It sounds like you might both need some time to sit down and really open up to each other about what's going on in your lives, let each other in more. I get that that can be difficult though, and believe me I don't have the balance right with my husband yet.

I think you are amazing for being able to raise kids AND battle this illness which at times can be so crippling. The fact you feel guilt about your kids proves how strong your love for them is - I think depression can be so all-consuming that at times it can make us very self-absorbed as we drown in our own negative feelings, sometimes with little thought for others and how it might affect them. Instead, you've cancelled a therapy appointment to be there for your son. You are not selfish. You are amazing.

Thinking of you, and I really hope the depression passes as soon as possible. In the meantime, please don't beat yourself up. And as for feeling alone, remember that we are all here to listen and offer support xx

The saddest thing about that is that we have been in couple's therapy for almost 3 years.

Do you feel that you've made any progress during this time as a couple?

We aren't on the brink of divorce any more. I have the feeling that he is good with that and doesn't need to do any more work.

It doesn't sound like your happy with that though

No. I want more out of the relationship.

Have you said that in a session?

Several times, and we always have this great discussion about how to be better, how we can improve. Then we go home and the same old life just keeps playing over and over. I am at the point of giving up. I am too tired to keep trying so hard.

I used to make excuses for my depression and "bed days". For example I would say "I think I'm coming done with something..." or "I feel a migraine coming on and just have to rest in a dark room" or "I think I have a stomach virus". You get the idea---I had a myriad of excuses. Now I've stopped doing that. I am trying to come out of my depression the best I can with therapy, medications. coping skills etc., but sometimes my progress is slow and inconsistent. (Lol, is anything ever 'consistent' with BP?). Anyway I'm doing what the docs tell me but sometimes I still spend a a day or two in bed. Before it was a week in bed, sometimes longer. I wish it didn't happen at all, but it does. Maybe sometime in the future it won't happen. I do try to have hope. For me it seems my acceptance of low-energy days makes me recover more quickly. I just accept it. I've lost the guilt. My husband doesn't badger me about them anymore because he has learned more about BP and in a way I think he appreciates my honesty more than the cover-ups. It is what it is. People don't make excuses for having cancer... Don't beat yourself up. It is difficult for family members to understand, and it does take them awhile but it's my experience that they eventually come around even if they don't entirely understand mood disorders. Does your mother know your diagnosis? If she does and she still wants to get into details (and you understandably don't) maybe you can give her a book about BP to read. Maybe tell her honestly you don't have the energy for a detailed discussion. For me the key has been learning about and accepting my diagnosis, (that wasn't easy) and educating my family members about it.