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#26
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I slept until 11 this morning, but I woke up a bunch of times in the night even though I took two Trazodones. (It is written on my script bottle, take 1 or 2.)
No thoughts tis morning, but last night when I checked in on the kids, it started again with the burning their faces into my memory so it's the last thing I remember... I see T in a couple of hours. |
#27
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My T appointment went well, and he was able to remind me that these are just thoughts and that I will not follow through on my thoughts. If it is still happening through Tuesday, he said I should call my pdoc to see if there are med changes we can do. Of course, I can go to the ER if things get bad.
It made me feel better and I am going to just see what happens over the next couple of days. |
#28
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Did you show him the printouts of your posts here?
__________________
roads & Charlie |
#29
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I forgot to bring it with me, but I logged in and let him read a little.
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#30
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Do you feel safe?
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roads & Charlie |
#31
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I do feel safe, well, as safe as one can feel in this situation. I am not going to do anything dangerous or stupid. Mostly I am going to take it easy and sleep. I'll have the house to myself for a few hours tomorrow and I plan to curl up in my bed and try to rest.
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#32
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And you're sure that being alone in the house for a few hours is a safe plan?
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roads & Charlie |
#33
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I think so. If anything happens or is about to happen I will call 911 and my husband. He'll be only about 20 minutes away at a birthday party for the kids.
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#34
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That's good.
As long as you're 100% positive that nowhere within lurks the teeniest thought that you won't be here when people come home. Are you absolutely sure of that? ![]() ![]()
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roads & Charlie |
#35
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I would say 99.9% and I only say that because my mind did go down the path of thinking it would be a perfect time. However, I don't want my family to find me that way.
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#36
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That 0.1% scares me so much.
I'll be praying for you, asking your guardian angel to hold you very close. Much caring & love going out to you, BLNsMOM. ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() Please stay in touch.
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roads & Charlie |
![]() BNLsMOM
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#37
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Don't worry, my T said he is around this weekend and would take my calls.
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#38
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Thanks, dear girl. But I'll worry till you're out of the woods. Guess that's what friends do, eh? And that's okay.
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roads & Charlie |
![]() BNLsMOM
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#39
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Thak you foor caring. And yes, that's what friends do. I just hope I can support you when you need it.
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#40
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You will.
![]() & I'll be very grateful. ![]() Take care.
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roads & Charlie |
![]() BNLsMOM
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#41
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I hope all will be ok... One thing I did not add to my story earlier was that once I had made up my mind (after deleting my work emails) there was no turning back to me. My son (16 at the time) had not left for school yet and I when he left I just said "bye", nothing else. I didn't want him to be suspicious of anything. Once I had made up my mind nothing mattered, not even my family finding me.
Not saying you will do what I did, not saying you won't be ok, just warning you what the mind can do....basically, the mind can take over your rational thinking.
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#42
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Thanks for adding that, dijmart. I guess that's the 0.1% that BLNsMOM couldn't account for, consciously, eh?
Stay very alert, BLNsMOM. That 0.1% may step in & take over at any time. dijmart is (thank god) here to testify to that. ![]() ![]()
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roads & Charlie |
#43
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Thank you for being in my corner. I slept late this morning and my family was out during most of that time. They are here now. I am feeling a little better today. My T and you guys helped talk me down so to speak. The weekend was mostly stress free and that helped too. We'll see what happens when the stress comes back this week.
I am on high alert. |
![]() Detach, roads
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#44
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I had some thoughts when I was getting in my PJs just now after my shower. Things like "when would I do it, but I can't because of..."
I don't feel suicidal. I am not that low. These thoughts just pop into my head like a slide on a slide projector. |
#45
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((BNLsMOM)) I'd imagine that not understanding where the thoughts are coming from would make it even scarier.
![]() In the meantime, take care of yourself. Consider ridding your house of anything you could use in an impulsive attempt. Maybe even have your husband dole out your meds to you and hide the bottles somewhere only he knows. We're all glad that most of you does not want to die. ![]() Another thing to consider, as these thoughts seem intrusive: do you have any other obsessive thoughts? Do you have any rituals that you feel you must perform, such as tapping an object a specific number of times, or touching something, or doing some action? People always think of germaphobic obsessions and cleaning/straightening compulsions when they think of OCD, but the disorder can manifest itself in a variety of different ways. Maybe it's an issue for you. |
#46
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I think you need to acknowledge that some part of your mind is still considering, entertaining plans for, suicide. So it will pop up. It's always got to be a warning, every time it surfaces.
Sometime it may pop up and just say, "Go!" Then you'll have to react even faster. ![]() |
#47
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Quote:
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#48
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Quote:
That's scary. |
#49
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Quote:
Of course, a med change may help this, but I found with my own past depressions that med changes were not the only changes that were needed to end the thoughts. Sometimes it was that my life had become unmanageable, or I needed to change my thinking patterns or I needed to make a life change that I had been holding back from, etc, etc...
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![]() BNLsMOM
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#50
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I am wide awake after 12:30 a.m. Not happy about that because the morning will be a wreck. However, the reason I am awake is that my thoughts are racing about pills, place and time and tons of other things. I don't want to die, but it sure seems like my mind wants to.
Dijmart, I think you are right, and roadrunner I think you touched on this as well, that the thoughts have to be coming from somewhere. I don't know how to dig deep about it, but I can tell youthere is plenty of self hate. I remember as a young child, even first grade, hating myself. I had a few good years through high school and the first two years of college where I was very confident and accepting of who I was. A life change that I might be holding back from? I think I know what it is, but it isn't practical and would probably hurt people as much as killing myself. I am so very unhappy with my life and my marriage. I think I would be mentally better on my own with my kids, but it doesn't make sense because I don't have enough money coming in, because I am on disability. And what if I have an episode, what do I do then, and would it cause a custody battle from both ex's? Also one son is from my first marriage and if he were able to live with me, I would have to deal with visitation from both ex's. It would just be a big pain in the you know what and it would break up the family. Maybe worse than being dead. We have been in counseling for 3 years and I just don't know if it is helping. In the few years that I have been dealing with bipolar, he hasn't educated himself, hasn't sought support for himself, he just panicks when there is a crisis. That's why I don't want to tell him what is going on. I was upstairs in bed and I was thinking that I am trying to convince myself to do something. Not a total death, but maybe just a few pills? I shouldn't have read Trippin's post. I think it triggered me. I read it and thought to myself, Oh yeah, I could do that. These are definitely not healthy thoughts. Thank goodness this forum is anonymous. Of course someone could trace my IP address and find me, but that's just paranoia talking, right? Yeah, my mind is totally gone right now. It's just about 1:00 a.m. now and I am not tired at all. I need to be up in about 6 hours. |
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